It’s almost that time of year, folks. It’s that time of year when the streets of our fair city are filled with strange people wearing weird costumes and t-shirts with ridiculous phrases. (It’s a Rat Flail!) They speak in code and carry strange polyhedrons on their person. They hold elaborate free form plays in crowded hotel suites and thousands converge on the Indianapolis Convention Center in search of swag, treasure, and the chance to find that issue of Dragon Magazine that had the chick with the chainmail bikini. That’s right…It’s almost time for Gen Con. 

I know what you’re thinking…”Oh no, not that again!” “What’s Gen Con?” “Whoa whoa whoa…you mentioned bikinis?”

The answer is Yes, I’m about to tell you, and shame on you. Google is your friend.

Gen Con is one of the largest gaming conventions in the United States. Dedicated to Role Playing Games (RPGs), Collectible Card Games (CCGs), and Wicked Tarrasque Fights (WTF), it’s a four day convention of epic nerd proportions. Attracting over 28,000 people from all walks of life it’s quite exciting. It can also be really overwhelming if you are not prepared for it.

That’s where I come in! For years I’ve posted entries on my other blog talking about Indianapolis and Gen Con and I decided to offer some friendly advice on what to do while you’re here. I’m here to give you the skinny on Gen Con, some info about downtown Indy, and some old fashioned common sense for while you’re visiting.

The Con Itself

Lets start with some history. Gen Con was originally held in Lake Geneva Wisconsin, home to the legendary Gary Gygax. It was small then, only having 100 attendees who were mainly members of the  International Federation of Wargamers. The name Gen Con comes from “Geneva Convention”, and the shortened version of the name has been used ever since.

The con has grown steadily over the years. It outgrew it’s home of Lake Geneva and was held in Milwaukee for many years. In 2003 Gen Con had outgrown it’s location yet again and moved to Indianapolis where it has been ever since. The con has changed greatly since it’s early days, where board games, wargames, and the first iterations of Dungeons and Dragons were it’s mainstay. Now you can find everything from video games to live action dungeons!

What’s the appeal? Gen Con certainly is a different sort of convention than what many people are used to. I had to attend a convention once for work where we spent the days attending panels on Group Management and Inspiring Our Peers; I would have given my left arm to have left and wandered a dealer’s room or played a round of Nuclear War instead of awkward meet and greets where you pretend to discuss what you “learned that day.”

Gen Con is a lot of fun though and has done it’s best to branch out. If you love board games, their are ready to play demos in the Exhibition Hall (Dealer’s Room) as well as tournaments you can take part in. (There’s even an Apple to Apples tournament if I remember correctly.)

Don’t like gaming as much? Perhaps you want to meet and greet with celebrities or attend workshops that deal with things you are interested in? How about these celebrities to hold you over!

Felicia Day, of The Guild and Doctor Horrible Fame. She’s hilarious and an amazing singer. Wil Wheaton, who plays the “Evil Wil Wheaton” on Big Bang Theory and a supporter of geeks everywhere.

 As for workshops, Gen Con has just about everything you can ask for. From workshops on making actual chainmail, art sessions where you can learn to improve your fantasy art, to writing workshops which touch upon the important skills and fun thrills of being a writer, Gen Con tries to offer something for every member of the family.

Would you like to know more? Click here for the Gen Con event catalog! 

In Ze Indy Indeed!

…I’ve got nothing on that title. I needed one, so I went with the first thing in my mind which was a stereotypical Frenchman. Sue me!

(Please don’t, I’m poor.)

 So many of you reading this have probably never been to Indy before. For those that have you might not realize all that our city has to offer. Let me tell you about Indianapolis.

Indianapolis has done it’s best to be as family friendly and fun as possible. With the largest zoo in the state you can stop by and see our White Rhinos and as of this summer the Cheetah exhibit! (Did you know they may technically be canines? Weird.)

Downtown is almost home to the Indiana State History Museum and the Eiteljorg Art Museum. Showcasing Indiana history and some of the best Native American art in my opinion, they’re great places to take the family and take in some culture. On the Circle you’ll find the Indiana War Memorial, cateloging Indiana’s involvement in every US conflict.

 Located just around the corner from the convention center is Circle Center Mall! Circle Center not only has great places for shopping but has a large food court, many restaurants for those looking for a bite to eat. The Circle Center Theater on the top floor of the mall usually has specials and shows geeky movies during the con. Last year I caught the midnight showing of Serenity while at the con.  How can you say no?

My favorite places to eat downtown during the con are as follows:

The Ram is a popular bar downtown that caters to the Gen Con crowd. They run a special menu during the convention which includes their incredibly tasty Ram Chips as well as their equally fantastic hamburgers. They are also a microbrewery and showcase new beers at the event. I remember when Privateer Press hosted the bar during the convention. I miss me some Khadoran Ale!

The Palomino. You want to take your princess out for a nice meal? Maybe your knight’s been especially patient during the con. The Palomino is a nice place to go and eat downtown. It’s menu is a mix of Italian and Continental but the food is great if you don’t mind the wait!

The Claddach Pub is my personal favorite while downtown. An Irish pub, I’ve lost many a braincell and flat out abused my liver while there. It does tend to get crowded but some of the best friends who I have no idea who they were at the time were found there. The beer is great and the Jameson Steak is 2d4. (2d4? Two die four? Get it? It’s a gaming article!) 

Asian Ciao.  Asian Ciao is Asian Ciao.  It has bourbon chicken.  Look, bitch all you want but if you’re in a hurry and need to stuff your face Asian Ciao has cheap bourbon chicken.

There are also plenty of CVS style stores and liquor stores downtown to cater to your needs. Make sure to check with your hotel concierge or search Google Maps for the closest one to you!

Now to end on a serious note but something really important…

 It’s Safety Centaur Time!

Hi folks! I’m the Safety Centaur! I’m here to give you helpful tips on how not to hurt yourself and enjoy your time at Gen Con!

What? You don’t want to be lectured to like you’re a kid and I’m not a licensed mascot? Touche, but with the fact that some people end up hurt every year while downtown  and the fact I’ve seen people been taken advantage of means I’m going to do it anyways. 

I’ll start with the touchy issue first: Indianapolis like many large cities has a homeless problem. At almost every street corner you can find war veterans, single mothers, and homeless men asking for money. In years past I have warned people away from providing money to them because of safety issues. I’ve also had a change of heart on the subject and have given money to them anyways. It’s a serious issue for which I have no real answer.

But what’s important to realize is that the people asking you for money aren’t some Random Encounter put in to make the adventure more interesting. They’re real people, which means like real people there’s a ton of things to  consider. Some of them really do need the money and without the help of telepathy it’s hard to tell who really needs the money to feed their kids and who is looking for their next fix.

If you are uncomfortable with the panhandlers I recommend walking with friends and ignore them. If they step in your path do your best to walk around them and if they get aggressive do not be afraid to seek assistance. If you wish to help them, remember that they can use more than just money and some really appreciate cool drinks on a hot day or food. If you do give them money, be careful about flashing any large amounts of money around on the street as that can attract the wrong attention.

(For the record despite working for United Way I want to reiterate I am not a trained social worker, so please treat that last paragraph as advice.)

DRINKING! Lots of people are going to do it. Hell, ther are going to be parties every night while at Gen Con. Depending on where you go you might find flavorful theme drink specials at some bars or if you are really lucky you might get into the White Wolf party where there is an Open Bar.

Now we’re adults here. I’m not telling you not to drink. But drink safely when you do. Seriously.

Cabs can be found on every street near the bars downtown, and while cabs can be expensive here is something you should consider: Indianapolis is struggling in this economy. While I respect our local police department I do know that they are in a pinch and are being extra vigilant in monitoring cars on the road. Most of the time this involves writing up tickets to people but they will crackdown on drunk drivers. Drunk driving is also a pet peeve of mine. 

If you plan on drinking, either walk from your room to the bar or drink locally. Arrange for a ride to pick you up or see if a friend can give you crash space. Call a cab if you’re drunk. Anything is better than the alternative and I know people who get pulled over by the police or crash their car and regret it.

Health! I know people who burn out pretty quickly at the con. They tend to not sleep or don’t drink enough water and they end up crashing hard with no energy after two days. You’re going to be around thousands of other people who will be carrying germs from their hometowns to the convention. In other words…take care of yourself dummy!

Drink water regularly and try to get some rest. While it might seem lame taking a break while at Gen Con you should listen to your body. Make sure you pack snacks if you’re going to events that take place during times you regularly eat, and bath regularly.  Like, seriously? Bath regularly. I hate smelling like ass at the con so I shower every morning and change clothes a lot.

I hope I was helpful to you in some way! Remember, Gen Con can be one of the best events of the year. I know I’m going to have fun so I really hope you all have as much fun as me!

SHAMELESS PLUGS

“Buy My Book!  Buy My Book!  Buy My Book!” - Jay Sherman from the Critic

….seriously, buy my book (that I worked on)

Maschine Zeit is going to be on sale at the con!  It’s a Science Fiction/Horror RPG set in abandoned space stations. It will be at the Indie Press Revolution booth! We will have flash drives, copies of the book, and other swag. While there I also recommend games like 3:16 or SHOCK! Try something different, gamers!

WoD: Mirrors will be at the White Wolf booth. I’ve heard so many great things about this book that I am crazy mad that I can’t find it locally. Chuck Wendig pretty much convinced me if I don’t buy this book my head will explode and ever since then I’ve had migraines. Would it satiate you Chuck if I say the magic phrase, “My beard is so fat I wanna do laser?”

Want to buy some great art? Check out Chris Dunn’s art booth in the Artist Gallery! He’s amazing and has done great pieces featuring famous movie monsters as well as character portraits. Make sure to stop by and see what he’s got!

Have something at Gen Con and want to share it with the world? Leave a comment and I’ll make sure to post it here! I’m a giving sort of person.

See you in Indy! 

(I apologize about the format of this entry, for some reason Wordpress is not letting me change the color of the font or it’s layout without breaking the entry.)

First, take in the above photo. Lets check the CRITERIA OF COOL SHIT to see where it falls on there:

• Werewolves fighting Vampires? Check! (Bonus for not being Twilight)
• Pyramids in the background with a full moon? Check!
• Half serpent vampire coming up to a werewolf with Egyptian paraphernalia? Check!

In short, this picture is indeed, in layman’s terms, Cool Shit.This picture comes from Werewolf: the Apocalypse, an “RPG of Savage Horror” from White Wolf Publishing. It’s was published in the 90s after the release of Vampire: the Masquerade and featured tribes of Werewolves fighting the demonic hosts of the Wyrm and the Weaver in a never ending battle doomed to end in fire. In other words, you get to be a werewolf that wields three foot blades of fury.

Also, some Werewolves use big ass silver swords in addition to their claws. But Why am I bringing up Werewolf: the Apocalypse? Why would I bring up the game people love to hate or tend to love too much? Cause I really God damn miss it. W:tA was one of the first RPGs I ever played.

My best friend picked up the book at the local comic shop and he was the first to become obsessed with it. We were sitting around the gaming table one night when he tried to introduce us to something new. I believe the pitch went something like this…

Him: Hey, you guys want to play Werewolf: the Apocalypse?Us: I dunno, that sounds dumb. What sort of werewolf can I play?Him: Dude, you can play as a WEREWOLF.Us:…..can I play a werecat instead? Or a wereshark?Him: I don’t have the books for those, but you can play as a Wendigo or a stealthy kungfu warrior.Us: SOLD!He ran our first game but I soon took over and ran a game for three years. I ran a game for almost the entirety of high school, and had three separate chronicles. It was one of the first games I ever ran and it gave me some of the best memories. I still miss those guys as well.

Was it a perfect setting? Not really. I think what drew me most to it was that it reminded me of a lot of movies I watched when I was a teenager. It was a game that reflected the 90s in a sense; you could play werewolves with long pony tails or dreadlocks who wielded overly long swords that cut muscular demon princes in half. It’s setting reflected some of the weird existentialism that the 90s seemed to offer.  You traversed the Umbra, a great shadowy realm where echos of fallen cities sat alongside pocket dimensions full of winged bird creatures. It was almost a superhero game when you think about it. At the drop of a hat you could turn into a giant muscular killing machine that fought guys who belched hellfire and were covered in scales.

The game also had an interesting metaplot. The game’s story revolved around the werewolves (or Garou) being the chosen warriors of Gaia. You fought against the forces of the Wyrm and tried to preserve the natural balance while asserting dominance. Each book added something new to the metaplot, such as when Sam Haight and Blacktooth first appeared as big menacing foes that threatened to turn the world on it’s heel to their eventual defeat. BTW, kudos to the WW staff for working with the players and leaving Blacktooth’s downfall something that could be worked into a campaign.

Back then I thought all of this was cool and I admit, part of me still does. What part of giant sword wielding werewolf doesn’t sound cool? But certain other aspects are dated, and no longer appeal to me. The complicated storyline was full of plot holes unless you could afford each and every book and at times it took turns that didn’t appeal to me. Villains were introduced that just seemed to be world enders and yet they were hard to work into the average campaign. Finally, the “We must all work together for Gaia” storyline locked players in. While intertribal conflicts could still occur it still became a game of “Gaia is the world, you must fight monsters until you die, and believing anything different is just impossible.”

Still, I’m nostalgic for the way things were. I even admit I liked the game. I reread the old Tribebooks and smile when I remember some random tidbit I forgot about the setting. I still have my favorite Tribes and wonder which was cooler, a Shadowlord Philodox or a Ratkin Twitcher.

For all it’s faults the game was entertaining and I remember when my players cheered and high fived each other when they defeated Alzagor and drove his spirit from Earth, when they actually showed fear when the Scottish Get of Fenris King Sweet Tooth declared war on them, or their intrigue into the mystery of the Spirit Shards of Charon. Good memories, good memories indeed.  

In Other News…

Chuck Wendig has a good point about movie theaters.   Movie theaters sound like the place where you can go spend an evening watching a movie on an enormous screen in comfort and with great food to eat. The reality is as different as night and day.

I live on the Eastside of Indy, where going to see a movie in a crowded theater is literally more a pain in the ass. Besides the seats which frequently give you a pain in the ass because they’re cut up or worn down, it’s really hard to enjoy a movie when the audience is talking amongst itself. I live five minutes from the Washington Square Theater but my main issue with seeing a new movie there is the noise. Seriously, the fucking noise.

You know the signs that say to turn off your cell phones, to talk amongst yourselves in a soft voice, and to be considerate of others? They do not apply there. When I went to see the Wolfman, an old woman kept talking loudly to people who called her on her cell phone. A mother brought her three young children who started screaming in fear during the trailers before the movie. While we sat off on our own in the theater a trio of men sat behind us reeking of cigarettes and between spilling their sodas down the aisle on our feet, talking over the movie so that they could hear each other, and laughing inappropriately during the film.

“But that’s just one movie,” you might say. “You should not judge a theater by one bad experience!” Unfortunately, I”ve had too many movies where I’ve had to deal with crap. Push, Avatar, one of the Star Trek showings, etc.

Do I go to some other side of town? Will that let me escape the noisy theater goers here on the Eastside? No! Unfortunately, I’ve had the same experience everywhere else. Watching Push while I had a head cold at the theater downtown was a treat when the rowdy group of teens in the back started a food fight. Driving all the way to the theater in Castleton was nice when all the reasonable movie times for when I wanted to see Avatar were sold out. And I won’t even go into detail about the time I tried to see a movie and the woman at the concessions stand decided to get on her soapbox and complain about my “Free Comic Book Day” t-shirt (a noble cause worth arguing against if there ever was one. Or not.)

I like going to Landmark out in Keystone but the problem is the price, the drive, and the fact that few people want to go with me. It’s a small but really nice independent theater that has the luxury of having a bar inside the theater so you can enjoy a drink when you watch a film. It lacks the convenience of other theaters however and I’m not convinced I won’t run into a bad time there at some point in the future.

Will I still see movies at theaters? Yeah. I love seeing them so much. I like going with friends to see the latest release even if the audience gets loud. I’ve had some really good experiences as well, especially if I can go really early on a weekday to see a film or if I wait until the movie is at the end of its run. I just hate how for something that should be considered a luxury usually turns out to be a pain in the ass. It’s a $9 ticket to mediocrity, with $15 of stale or poor food added on top. 

This Just In…

Gen Con is upon us. In two weeks I will be attending the Geekiest Place on Earth, here in my hometown of Indianapolis. Gen Con is one of the largest gaming conventions in the US and for 5 days I’ll be hanging out with fellow geeks, playing the latest in RPGs and video games, and relaxing with my friends. Is anyone else going? What are you looking forward to this year? 

Hello loyal readers, it’s me, your mighty ruler. I hope you are all well or at least well enough to continue serving the Crown.

I’ve got a problem.

My laptop died. It was my faithful friend for 4 years but hardware errors did it in. It cracked along the hinges and  with time the cracks caused the hinges to break off and the screen to fail. I can’t take it in to be fixed as no one wants to do hardware repairs on plastic frames and the place where I bought it was Circuit City. In short, it’s royally fucked.

I do have some money in my savings, though my savings has diminished a bit with having to renew my registration, pay for repairs on our house after the lightning strike,  replace things fried in the lightning strike, etc etc etc Shenanigans Veritas Fidelis.

Now I need to replace my laptop as I need a portable computer. My first thought was a netbook but the screen is too small. People have noticed the incredibly thick laser goggles I wear on my face that are otherwise called MY GLASSES. I need a decent sized screen so I can increase the size of print. I can read 12 point alright, but sometimes I really need 14 point when it’s late at night and I’m tired. I don’t want a desktop replacement sized screen however because that’s just really freaking big.

So a basic laptop is what I’m looking at. I want something with good memory and a large hard drive, but I don’t need something that’s a top of the line gaming laptop. I need a laptop for work so it needs to be able to have Word, a pdf reader, a web browser, and possibly a chat client open at the same time without slowing down. This is especially true for the pdf reader as I’m sick of having to wait for pages to load as I read pdfs. I do have a bunch that I read for fun but all too often I’m doing research or helping proofread something and need to be able to read it with some ease.

Has anyone heard of Asus before? I have never heard of it, but they seem to have the best prices for what I’m looking at. Asus appears to be a Taiwanese company that’s known for rugged computers but I’m not sure I want to pay for a company I’m not familiar with. I’ve also heard rumors that the fans inside the laptops tend to fail and this can melt the graphics card, but I read this in a comment on the internet. Does anyone have any credible evidence on this? I don’t want to diss the brand based on someone’s bad experience.

Right now, this laptop seems to be what I want. It’s either this one or it’s $700 Sony one that’s available at Best Buy as well.

A friend recommended www.ibuypower.com but they seem to be geared mainly towards gaming laptops. I don’t need something that strong or that expensive.

Finally, I really need something for the long term. I can’t afford replacing my core technology that often and I like to use things until they absolutely die (like my last laptop!) I would like it to be reliable and something that I can repair easily. I’m not one to take my laptop in to the store when the first little malfunction occurs as I’m a little skilled at debugging and fixing issues. It would be nice though if I had the option to take the laptop in for repairs.

Enough about that, lets talk about the most important issue on the Internet last week. The issue wasn’t whether one country can own a date (suck it Canada, we do!) or if the growing strife between Republicans and Democrats will disenfranchise yet another generation of Americans and only deepen civil strife within our nation. No, I’m afraid the biggest disaster facing the Internet last week was whether one woman deserved to wear pants.

 Wonder Woman is getting some new clothes and a new storyline with them. For her 600th issue, DC is launching Wonder Woman in a new storyline that I will even admit is pretty bold. Spoilers below, though I guess you’ll need to read them anyways to understand my argument.

Wonder Woman is going through a radical change. The Greek Gods are withdrawing their support of Themoscyra, their home island. By withdrawing their support this allows some unknown opponent to alter their timeline and erase them from history, scattering a few lone survivors across the planet and changing their identities. Wonder Woman will have to struggle to find her place in a world that doesn’t remember her for what she was and she must tackle the mystery of who did this to her people.

Is it the bold storyline that’s causing people to get upset? I admit, it’s not my cup of tea but it might be cool. I think it sounds like an alternate history for the character that’s better suited for Elseworlds but I’m not really a Wonder Woman fan. I’ll give the new story a shot. But people aren’t just upset by the storyline. They’re angry over the fact she has PANTS.

Wonder Woman has had the same iconic costume since her inception, with only a few notable changes to it. The biggest change to her costume was in the 70s when she was depowered and made into a super spy, but her powers and costume were later returned to her. In her signature one piece leotard, she is Linda Carter’s most well known role.

I get how it’s a signature look to her. Superman has the blue costume with the red underpants on the outside. Batman has the cape and cowl. The Tick is dressed as a big blue whatchamacallit. So naturally when people think of Wonder Woman’s new clothes they get upset because something is different.

I’ve read comics for a long time so I remember when everyone changed costumes. Batman was replaced with a crime fighting psycopath in power armor, Superman’s powers were changed and he had a blue suit to contain his new electric form, and Green Lantern had a suit of metal armor with huge shoulder pads.  Wonder Woman is just going through a natural evolution of the character and as you can tell, I like it.

It just seems more natural to me. I didn’t mind the character’s old outfit, but the new one makes more sense on so many levels. Not only does it cover more of her body, but she seems more modern. She’s still the same Amazon warrior of myth but now her clothes better reflect her time. People who claim she is somehow losing her sexuality by covering up more are just wrong or weird.

My only real complaint is the jacket. I remember the late 80s and 90s where Captain America, the Black Knight, Animal Man, and others had jackets. They could sit around and look cool in their spiffy new jackets which they never bothered store shit in the 20 pockets they had. As you can tell those jackets never lasted, and I’m not sure the jacket with shoulder pads will last on her. 

And that’s it for me rambling.  G’night all!

Good morning, folks. Today is the 4th of July, which in the United States is the day we celebrate our independence from England. For many Americans, we get together with our families and enjoy good old fashioned American junk food while watching things blow up in the sky. (Like Star Wars!) But what does our independence really mean? Do people really know the story of America’s founding or do they just assume some movie will tell them? (Like Star Wars!) I’ll give you today the true history of the United States of America.

 The United States of America started off on the continent of Old Columbia, named after their discoverer the great sage Christopher Columbus. In the 15th and 16th centuries colonists from across the world settled there, even coming from far off lands like Holland, England, France, and New Neptune to settle her shores. The Colonies were formed, each formed after an astrological sign that best reflected their disposition. When John Smith pointed out how unfair it was for his colony to be called Cancer (as he sensed it would some day become something tragic), they changed their names to the 14 Colonies we know today.

1. Furste! (A colony reknowned for showing up early but never contributing to the conversation afterwards)
   
2. Virginia
3. Virgnia 2
4. Kingdom of North Carolina
   
5. Soviet Republik of Carolina
6. Boston
7.  Bawstin’ (Boston’s louder, more fun neighbor.)
   
8. Rhodes Island
   

And a few others who I think everyone is familiar with.
As the Colonies prospered, King George looked from his ancient draconic throne and grew angry that he was not receiving proper tribute. After having just emerged from a brutal civil war between those demanding democracy in England and the Deatheaters, King George wished to expand his influence amongst the colonies and receive more proper tribute so that he might evolve from Colossal to Ancient. But how could he expand his power to a land so far removed from his own?
But King George had something up his sleeve, or rather it was on top of his head. A long kept secret of the Line of Old Saxon Kings was the truth behind their unholy power. Ancient Druids gathered together the mightiest magics and dragons England had to offer during the Battle of Hastings and constructed the most enduring relic in England today: the Magna Carta. Often misrepresented as some dusty document, the Magna Carta is actually the crown that gives one of royal blood access to the vast undead armies of England. 

Sho’ nuff.

With the Magna Carta to bolster their ranks, the British were able to keep a stranglehold on America’s resources and keep us occupied. The Redcoats, named so for their often bloody and worn garments the undead soldiers wore, were brutal enforces and incapable of rational thought. They massacred brave colonists for opposing modest taxes on common goods and often cheated at cards.

Not one to be kept down the American people met in secret to discuss ways to gain our independence. George Washington and other members of the Heliopic Order of Beech Teeth met in Masonic temples to commune with their clerics to see what could be done. The Hierophant told young Washington that he saw him leading a vast army against the Redcoats but that the cost would be dear. Imbued with righteous power after having recently multiclassed into Divine Avenger, Washington formed his group from the best and brightest bold adventurers New England had to offer. He chose,

Thomas Jefferson, Bard and renowned poet. With his faerie dragon familiar Mitzi they were adept at confounding the King’s Troll Man.

Benjamin Franklin, Inventor, Politician, Philosopher, and dashing Rogue. He was adept at charming women as he was at picking up new skill points. Washington considered his wise counsel quite a feat which bolstered his abilities in combat. (Combat tactics.)

Samuel Adams, Dwarf Brewer and Viking Warrior. Descended from the proud people of Adamnadin, Samuel would enter combat while singing proud sagas of his people and swinging his double headed axe. He often butted heads with Franklin who he considered “A Yankee dandy like an elf.”

 Betsy Ross, renowned seamstress and source of emotional support for Washington. While no one had heard of someone who weaved magic before (3rd party supplement), they welcomed her counsel and she was instrumental in making the Ward Shields that would later become the US flag.

As Washington led his band of adventurers on many battles across the United States, the British won the battles of Bunker Hill with their impressive Zerg Rush technique. This technique was inspired by Lord Admiral Hemington Zerg, a battle hardened commander who equipped his Undead Overlords with extended eyestalks to increase their range. Anxious to end the surveillance of his home base and eliminate their advantage, the commander of the Terran forces gave his famous quote “Don’t shoot until you see the Wights or their Eyes.”

The war would go back and forth between General George Washington (who had just maxed out his Leadership skill tree) and General Cornwallis, a man often played by actors who play villains. I’m not trying to judge but if you think about it, he was played by the same guy who was General Fromme in Valkyrie. Washington and Cornwallis would fight back and forth for several years, as they commanded dozens of individual movements and their soldiers had to march across difficult terrain which knocked 2 inches off their march ability. (This isn’t counting Impassible terrain and the slow Dwarf units.) Cornwallis showed the cheesiness of the Gunline special ability while Washington refused to play into Cornwallis hand and used a variant of the Infiltration rule and skirmishers to piss him off.

Cornwallis himself said this after one lengthy battle where after two days of constant shelling he emerged the victor:

“In truth the Rebels fight like rabble, and their militia is in shambles. My men scatter them easily on the field while we fight to maintain order in the colonies. I would like to give one credit of honor to my opponent however, as he is a proper gentleman and maintains himself with the proper conduct of an officer. That being said if he could stop with the atrocious American practice of “teabagging”, this might truly be a just and proper affair rather than some messy fragfest.”

Cornwallis, for all his credit, overreached himself after the beginning of his campaign. After cashing in his cards (Cards being an efficient way to communicate with Britain that you needed more troops, cavalry, and cannons), he went on a massive streak of victories across the American territories. Despite the advantage of the defenders his incredible luck prevailed and he surged across the Colonies. Unfortunately he overextended himself and when France (White player) and Spain (Yellow player) lent Washington their own cards, Washington was able to lead a counterattack against the vastly overextended Cornwallis. Military historians point to the fact that while uniting America under one rule seems like an efficient means the fact it is linked to Central America, Norway, and Asia means it’s a real bitch to hold in multiplayer.

Washington emerged the victor at Yorktown and crushed Cornwallis. Despite calling upon his fell allies the Hessian Prince, Vlad the Impaler and Solomon Grundy, Washington was revealed to be one of the Lost Sons of Erin and burned with holy light. Cut off from the source of his powers Cornwallis fell to his knees and offered the same vorpal blade that he had used to kill Washington’s father to his opponent, begging him to save his honor and take his life. Washington was merciful to his opponent however, as it was against the Path he had set out upon since Character Generation and was not eager to give up on Humanity yet. Cornwallis was sent home with his tail between his legs while Washington stayed and helped establish a new nation.

And that is the story of the 4th of July. Always remember the sacrifices that our forefathers made and celebrate the pain and suffering they went to by having a second helping of hot dogs or nachos tonight. High five someone who was in the armed forces because their history of sacrifice, bravery, and skilled camping and sniping skills are what have led us through the most grueling death matches.

GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

So if you followed up with my last post (and you did cause otherwise you’re a total loser) you may have heard about my ongoing feud with Rick.  He disrespected my mother and claimed he was a better kisser than my dog.  That’s not true, but if it was true that would be deeply disturbing on SO MANY LEVELS.

Anyhoo, I challenged him to a writing contest. I was confident that he wouldn’t accept but he did! I then gave him an easy out; he had his choice between writing an epic novel series complete with a metagame  and transmedia section OR we could compete with a flash fiction contest. Guess which one he chose?

I may have shot myself in the foot on this one.

So now I have to come up with something in the vein of Medieval Romance (cause he’s a crafty one) in order to win this feud that I’ve already forgotten what started it.  So after meditating on the matter, seeking advice from my spiritual adviser Flot the cat, and ignoring this whole thing for as long as possible I had a vision. I had an idea for the greatest medieval romance story known to man. I am proud to share with you today my greatest addition to the literary world:

Sir Edward walked with Lady Belladonna through the forests of the Count of Spokania. The sky was gray as ’twas the norm but the weather was pleasant and their surroundings surprisingly well lit, thought Lady Belladonna. She had grown close to this strange knight that she had met at the Alchemy class last week. He was quite queer, with strange mannerisms and a penchant for standing within five feet of an unmarried woman which was considered shocking by the gossips but she felt comforted by his presence. After he had saved her from a rampaging bull and took her under his personal protection she felt like she owed this youthful knight with the ancient eyes.

Her long black hair was held back by an azure ribbon the same shade as her gown. Adorned with the gold rings of her station she had lamented being sent off to far Spokania to provide comfort to her father, the Sheriff, but she was slowly getting used to such plain life. Some of her closest friends were serving girls who spoke with relative ease and strength though she felt pained by not spending enough time with her former childhood friend Jacob of Wolfham.

As they stopped in a glenn she wrapped her arms about her as a cool breeze seemed to blow about them. She shivered while Sir Edward seemed at ease with the elements. His black robe and tabard clung tightly to his form and the mail he wore under it shone brightly. He wore an open faced helm with a snarling bat face carved into the top. His hands were constantly clenched even while sitting and Lady Belladonna often caught him sniffing the air when she was around, his eyes focused on her body as if he were thinking craven thoughts. The idea of him engaging in courtly love with her made her blush a bit.

“I can’t be with you,” gasped Lady Belladonna as she turned from Sir Edward. “I know who you really are.”

“Pray tell, my Lady,” whispered Sir Edward as he inched close enough to smell  her perfume anointed hair. “What is this that you be speaking of?”

“You avoid the sunlight if possible. You rarely take the Sabbath. You refuse to wear the Red Cross on your armor.”

“Goeth on,” said Sir Edward through clenched teeth, as a hint of fangs emerged over his lips. “What am I?”

“A Saxon!”

Silence fell over the glade. It was as if all of Spokania had fallen still with her unholy revelation. The clouds broke above them and Sir Edward seemed like he was suddenly something else, as if every fiber of Lady Belladonna’s being cried out against this unholy abomination. Her tight blue silk dress seemed too tight and she struggled to catch her breath as she trembled before him. And yet, she thought, this strange knight had never seemed so more enticing than before now. Unwelcome thoughts appeared in her mind, thoughts of listening to poetry in the garden or wrapping her silk scarf around his lance. Such things were almost unheard of with so strange a creature and made her feel like a harlot.

Holding out his gauntlet he beckoned with his head towards the horizon. “Come, my lady,” said Sir Edward with a voice like thunder. “Come, come my lady, be like a close friend to me, my sugar sweet lady.”

Still trembling Lady Belladonna could not control herself as she extended her hand to his. He felt cold as she gripped his armor and did not resist when he put both of his arms around her. Just a second ago he seemed like an invader intent on destroying her homeland but now she could not resist him. Her inner fire still raged within her but she felt comfortable in his presence.

With swift alacrity and overwhelming celerity Sir Edward held on to her tightly and began running up the mountainside. He moved faster than any mortal could, his black armored form like a shadow darting between rocks. As they climbed higher in the mountain Lady Belladonna watched as the world moved by in a green blur. Her long silk dress trailed behind her and whipped with the wind.

When Sir Edward stopped they were in a clearing near the top of the mountain. Setting her down in the mud he removed his cloak and set it  neatly on a rock. Removing his helmet revealed curly brown hair that seemed to stand up on it’s own. Climbing on top of the rock he turned to stand in front of her, the wind lifting up his tabard slightly as the clouds parted behind in. He raised his hands out to his sides casting a shadow like a lower case T on the field in front of her as the sun shown down on them.

Lady Belladonna’s breath caught in her throat as his skin began to shine. It glimmered like stars in the night sky, like tiny diamond stretched across his skin. Truly, these Saxons were not human but something truly beautiful. Only now did her thoughts turn from tying her ribbon around his lance as a favor to something completely different…

Uh oh.  I upset someone.  ON THE INTERNET. 

My dear friend and colleague Rick Carroll posted something about lightning this morning on twitter and I felt compelled to correct him. I mean, if anyone here is an expert on lightning it’s me!  I recently had the misfortune of getting Zeus’ wrath after we got back from vacation earlier this month and had lightning blow out all the electronics in our house.

Didn’t I tell you all about that?  It’s been no easy task dealing with insurance companies in the aftermath of it.  Lightning struck a tree in our neighbor’s yard which then arced into our fence.  The train of destruction is as follows and reads like a Family Circus strip. 

1. From the tree into the fence where it tried to weld our fence shut.
2. Through the fence to the gutter where it knocked off the drain spout and went into the gutters.
3. Through the metal gutter guard into our roof, knocking off shingles and popping the top vent. It also warped some metal.
4. Part of the lightning hit our phone line which was spliced with the cable line because of Comcast’s Triple Play package (I’ll rant about them later)
5. Went into the cable line and into our house frying every electronic on the first floor and popping nearly all the fuses.
   

Some of my friends said “Why didn’t you use surge protectors? They would have stopped the lightning cold!” Ha ha, no. No how much your average surge protector can stop? It can stop a fuse blowing or a short circuit. Not only do they not stop lightning but lightning fried out our surge protectors as well as the power supply to the 360.  

Come to think of it, I think Rick was teasing me because he was the one who sent the lightning bolt!  He must have stolen one of Zeus’ lightning bolts and tried to nail our house but missed because he’s a horrible person shot!

Oh it’s ON! I challenge you to a writing contest good sir! Are you game?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION!

Or How I Learned To Stop Caring And Shoot My Gun.

 I beat Red Dead Redemption the other night, and let me tell you: This game was something different.

You take on the role of John Marston, a notorious outlaw who is blackmailed by the US government into trying to take down former members of your old gang.  After being left for dead outside of Fort Mercer you are taken in by the MacFarlanes who tend to your wounds and set you on your path that takes you through the beautiful mesa of New Austin, down into the troubled times of Mexico, and back north into West Elizabeth where you take haven in the city of Blackwater.

The game is good, no doubts there. The graphics blew me away once I started playing the game. Everything from trail dust hugging your legs to grass swaying in the breeze makes you feel like you are in the Old West. Animals scamper about as you go hunting and towns have that old fashioned feel to them.

When it comes to the missions, they all seemed to blend in after a while but they still had a fun if simple premise; shoot the bad guys dead. It was fun sneaking into hideouts or Mexican army bases but some of the other missions usually involved “Ride to Point A While Listening To Boring Monologues Then Shoot Crap.”  I liked some of the minigames though so these are just minor complaints.  The Dead Eye system made hunting too simplistic but was absolutely necessary for gun fights.

Gunfights gunfights gunfights. The game really appeals to the wild west nuts and those who crave violence. With at least 6 types of weapons to choose from you can customize what weapons you take with you into a fight.  Certain outfits either granted you camouflage against a certain group or gave you bonuses as well.  I admit, it was satisfying to shoot from the distance with my Elephant Gun, switching out for my Mauser as I assaulted the base, then pulling out the Semi Auto Shotgun for close quarters.

Some of the little things in the game were great but were balanced out by equally aggravating things.  I loved playing Texas Hold ‘Em and Blackjack in the saloons to raise money!  Hunting was also a pretty ingenious way to test a player’s skills by having challenges in the game required by killing certain creatures. I also learned how to play Liar’s Dice which I’m dying to play in person with someone now. On the other hand, the Ranching missions were a PAIN IN THE ASS.  I’m an outlaw who brings vigilantes to justice and I’m an expert gambler, why do I need to learn how to drive cattle? What was to be gained by playing Horseshoes to give me the final piece I needed for my outfits? Why would you give me certain outfits in the game but lock me out of changing clothes towards the end?

One major problem I had was the inconsistent dialogue. In Grand Theft Auto you overhear lots of people talking as you walk down the street and the radio helps fill you in on gaps in the game.  There was something to be said for listening to some good music as you drive ten minutes across the map to your destination. In RDR, the game has a beautiful soundtrack that lets you know when certain events are happening. It changes to a quick racing sort of music when you see outlaws make off with a wagon or the lively tunes in the saloon in Armadillo help with the poker games. Everywhere else though it’s quiet  VERY quiet.

The game gets sort of haunting in fact while you creep along in the dark trying to sneak into an outlaw camp or if you’re just sitting and waiting for a deer to run by. When there is music, it is either the same generic riding music or it only plays as long as the encounter lasts. If I shoot the outlaw, the music starts over again or goes to silence.  The same monotonous music got to me especially since I know the game has a great soundtrack because it came as a free download when I preordered it. Also, while the saloon in Armadillo had piano music none of the other bars did so the games there are filled with the same dialogue that repeats over and over again. (Like the racist guy who keeps saying Sure as Shootin’. I wanted to throw down my cards and plug him right there!)

Another problem comes from glitches. I have yet to see the humorous Cougar Man or Amazing Chinese Acrobat, but I have encountered a few weird ones.

• My horse phased into a bridge so that half of him was dangling below it and the other half was stuck on top. 
• Hit a man with dynamite and knocked him down. He then got back up and started running away!
• Bear Rump. A Bear was fused with a tree so that only his butt was sticking out. It reminded me of Winnie the Pooh except this guy was roaring and trying to hit me!
• Jumped over a small rock and my horse died suddenly as if it had fallen and impacted something.
• As long as I’m locked on to someone in Dead Eye Mode and keep moving, even if I run by a tree and Marston holds his gun up in the air the bullets go straight up and into my target.  SEEKER BULLETS!

 Overall the game gets a solid 4 1/2 out of 5. Amusing antics, beautiful graphics, and fun missions make this a near solid win. If they could fix some of the errors and simplify dueling I think it would definitely kick ass.

So Chuck Wendig has an amazing contest going right now.  Each day Chuck checks the analytics for his website and finds out what search phrases people have used to find his site.  Most recently, someone used the weirdest phrase in the world.

“My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser”

Since uncovering the phrase Chuck is determined to make it the next great Internet meme.  Apart from posting it on Fark and hoping it takes off form there he came up with a brilliant idea!  He’s asking people to write flash fiction or come up with something creative centered around that phrase!  It can be an Internet Meme, a poem, or a batshit crazy story.  More details right here!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/13/my-beard-come-so-fat-i-wanna-do-laser-the-goddamn-contest-and-the-effing-t-shirt/

So what did I do?  Well…I’m a little drunk.  I started drinking some cider while watching Deadliest Warrior (shut up, I like it!) and hit upon the idea of a Saturday morning Kid’s TV show adapted from Japan.  So I present the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors in this week’s adventure, Rage of the Digital Raven! Enjoy!

BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD, LASER! BEARD, LASER! BEARD (Beard) LASER (Laser) BEARD BEARD LASER LASER, BEARD BEARD LASER LASER,

BEARD.

LASER.

GO!!!

Am hellsten Tag!

in der dunkelsten Nacht!

kein Übel entgeht meinem Anblick!

lassen Sie die, die evil’ anbeten’s konnte!

passen Sie meine Energie auf!

Beard Laser s-Licht!

Last Time on Beard Laser Go!

Our incredible team of teenage ne’er do wells was hot on the pursuit of the evil Monochrome and his mutated avian monstrosity the Digital Raven! But with only 10 minutes of Energastic Power remaining in their Battle Rigs, can the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors defeat the vile Monochrome before he drains all the color in the world?

Lt. Boone chewed on the toothpick in his mouth like it was the cool thing to do as his Battle Rig navigated the dark tunnels of the Peruvian Underworld. Over 30 feet long his Lion Rig leapt from wall to wall as wicked cool lights blazed from it’s eye sockets. Thumbing up his cowboy hat he stared at the blinking lights on his console with disgust.

“Nothing! We’ve been down here almost an hour and we haven’t found diggity squat!”

Crawling around the corner was the dainty form of Tasha’s Chihuahua Rig. While small and covered with sparkling gemstones it could reflect laser fire and it’s twin linked chain guns could tear a man in half. Her cockpit was full of pictures and stuffed animals that did little to interfere with how Rig handled.

“Gee guys,” said Tasha as she stared at an oversized digital clock nervously. “I’m worried about us running out of power down here. We’ve only got a little bit of Energastic Power left in our Rigs!”

“What’s wrong little girl, scared?” echoed a voice in the darkness. Scuttling in the shadows was the terrifying form of the Buku-Battle Rig. A combination of a velociraptor, a fox, and a giant octopus the Buku-Battle Rig was as terrifying as its driver. Martin brushed back his bangs as he lit up a clove cigarette then closed his eyes with pleasure.

“Afraid something in the dark will get you?”

The massive Wolfgang Rig bounded down the hull, it’s sleek hull covered in numerous gun ports. As it bounded into the air and hung for 30 seconds, it’s pint sized driver cheered loudly through the tunnel.

“I’m not!” shouted Jimmy enthusiastically.  Jimmy laughed as his Rig landed on the ground and sent dust everywhere. Bounding again he was dancing in circles around the Lion Rig must to Boone’s irritation.

“I wanna do Laser!” said Jimmy.

“No, we’re not”, replied Lt. Boone as he gripped the controls tightly. “Stay in attack formation.”

“I wanna do laser!” shouted Jimmy, his hand inching closer and closer to the big red button on his dashboard. “That new beard we’ve got is so phat, I wanna do laser!”

“Holy Mars,” uttered Tasha as she struggled to bring her Rig under control. “We’re barely holding on here and you want to do laser mode? Are you crazy?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Good, now get into formation and we’ll fight our way to the surface while we still have pow-”

A massive explosion sent the Lion Rig crashing to the ground. All the other Rigs reflexively posed. A loud flapping noise could be heard throughout the tunnel as a sinister yet familiar high pitched laughter echoed around them.

“Pity you’re showing common sense when it’s just too late!”

Rising from a pit in the ground roared a monstrous beast. It’s jet black armored scales and furiously blazing red eyes caused the Lightning Lumberjacks to back up with fear. With a massive shrill shriek, the Digital Raven rocketed down the hall scattering everyone about. It arched up to the ceiling of the tunnel which seemed impossibly high and from a tiny saddle on its neck the villainous Monochrome in his white and black checkered suit grinned down at our heroes.

“I’d like to thank you for saving me the time it would take to dig your own graves!” The Digital Raven shrieked again and began pounding the ground with massive sonic blasts, causing the tunnel to shake violently.

“Team?” Boone bled a little bit from his mouth. This often happens when you chew on toothpicks carelessly in life or death situations. Word to your mothers, kids.

“Ready!” they shouted in unison.

“Go Laser.”

The four Rigs began to fold and compress into strange shapes that seemed in opposite to their original designs. The Buku-Battle Rig folded in half and and the tentacles slithered around to form a belt as it became the pants. The Chihuaha lengthened and split on both sides, the tiny head of the canine becoming five fingered hands. The Wolfgang seemed to roll into a sphere twice, first as a smaller ball but then as a much bigger one!  The other parts connected to it as the wolf face flattened to become the chest piece.

Finally, the Lion Rig shrank just a bit and looked like a massive man’s head with a thick, burly beard. It was the type of beard you grow when you have shit to do and the skills to do it. Like a mechanic Moore, when the Rigs joined together the whole form glowed with energy. A long wood cutting axe slipped out of nowhere into it’s hand and blazed with fire, lighting up the hallway.

Massive tendrils formed on the face and their ends widened into massive gun ports. Each terrifying curl became it’s own rail cannon, and smoke whisped out of it’s ears. From behind the Great Lumber-Rig glowed the sun, causing Monochrome and the Digital Raven to reel with terror at it’s majesty.

As one the entire team put their hands on a massive button that sprung out of nowhere in their cockpit. Each one grinned at each other as they pushed down in unison, their battle cry causing Monochrome to pee a little in fear.

“BEARD LASER GO!”

In Other News…

I HATE VUVUZELAS!

I have nothing against national pride.  Hell, I’m from the United States where everyone proudly says they are of one ethnicity or the other when the appropriate holiday comes up. But the vuvuzela is as enrapturing as a bee sting and as pleasant to listen to as Rush Limbaugh’s sex talk with Michael Moore!

http://thedailywh.at/post/703105640/animated-gif-of-the-day-dammit-gimli-reddit

It’s the end of Lost as we know it!  Soon we will no longer be Lost but still very confused as to what the hell happened in the past six years.  It’s been six years of confusing twists, weird explanations, and just the general feeling that manatees with volleyballs were responsible for picking out the plot.

This doesn’t mean the show has not been really amazing.

If I had to sum up the show, I’d sum it up as a sci fi mystery thriller with hints of comedy and suspense. Each season seemed designed to turn the show on it’s head, almost as if it was trying to taunt it’s own audience.  It was like the show was the TV version of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal, as the show was observed it then had to change. In layman’s terms, if the show was a person it would say this:

Audience: hooray!  I know what’s going on!  The Island was host to some big science experiment!
Show: FUCK YOU IT’S MAGIC
Audience: ……….
Show: Not just magic but magic Ghosts. Yeah, hows them apples?
Audience: OK, so the magic ghosts-
Show: Highlanders.
Audience: What??
Show: It’s the Highlanders now…HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION???

Fans of the show would agree with this.

But so many questions were left unanswered!  I mean, fuck…this show is having its series finale but leaving behind more questions than shows that end on cliffhangers.  Seriously, Heroes had a few questions behind when it ended but Lost is going to fill encyclopedias with unanswered questions and mythology.

Here are some of my biggest questions, and some possible answers will come after it.

1. What happened to Walt?  How did Linus know Walt would get rescued?
2. How did Hugo and Miles get their abilities?
3. Is it really magic, science fiction, or a bit of both? How did Jacob know the “spells” to grant powers to others?
4. What are Jacob’s powers?
5. What is the Man in Black’s real name and what is his history?
6. Why is Desmond in the parallel universe a big freaking dick?
7. How come no one else went into the Source and became separated from their body? Even on accident and with a guardian, there were years where no one guarded the Source and it was possible others could be created.
8. Who are the others the Man in Black was talking about? He wasn’t referring to the Others that lived on the island.

I am entertaining any answers you might have.
Spoilers Below…YOU WERE WARNED.

My final theory on the history of the island:

• The Source is a fragment from the creation of universe. It centered itself on the Island and mankind achieved sentience because of it. Sipping from the water gives you knowledge of everything and gives you immortality, which explains how Jacob and the Man in Black are able to manipulate events and see into the future.
• The reason physics on the island don’t conform with the rest of the world is because the Source is made up of strange quantum particles that change reality around them. Organic structures don’t decay on the island and some damage can be regenerated. The water causes people’s bodies to never get old.
• Jacob and the Man in Black were from some ancient Judeo Christian civilization.  They were from possibly 4000 B.C. though I don’t know how to date this accurately.
• After the separation of the Man in Black from his body, he became a spirit which manifested as an angry storm. He then became the representation of Baal and Apep to the civilizations that found him next.  When Egyptian explorers found the island he was confused with Apep (God of Destruction) and to appease him they built the massive statue of Taweret to appease him.  Man in Black uses the colonists who come afterwards to build the Temple, the Wheel, and the Ruins.
• Dharma Initiative learned about the island from records kept over the years from those who escaped the island and when it’s discovered they build the bases there. Their research sets up strange events throughout the world, such as the Bermuda Triangle.
• Man in Black influences each civilization that comes to the island to his own means, then eventually when they turn on him he destroys them whether in storm form or with corruption.  The Egyptian hieroglyphs of Anubis battling Apep show his battles.
• The Dharma Initiative is destroyed due to conflict with the Others who are the descendants of those who get lost on the Island. The Samurai was a businessman who became lost at sea after the death of his son, so he devotes himself towards alchemy and the pursuit of Bushido.
• The Dharma Initiative left the island when the majority of the base was killed off and Charles uses his outside resources to keep resources flowing to the island but keeps people from finding it.
• The Flash Sideways are just of a universe where the people get a better life. I have a theory that Jack is responsible for doing this after obtaining powers.

Oh Green Lantern…I love you but I’m probably going to make fun of you at least one more time before this is through.

No I’m not giving out free comics. There’s already a holiday dedicated to it on the first weekend of May. Perhaps you heard about it…

There’s never a more perfect time to get into comics, especially when they’re free. And that’s what I’m here to tell you about today. Lets look at that more understood method of storytelling, the comic!

I can already hear the excuses because I worked in a comic store for many years: Who reads comics?  I’m too mature for them. I read things off the Bestseller list or what Oprah recommends.

That’s just bologna. Millions of people across the world read comics, and many of them are adults. Comic books are a wildly diverse medium these days, featuring everything from classic spandex clad do-gooders fighting for God, Country and the Common man to worlds dominated by zombies who eat the good guys for breakfast…literally. 

Please note I’m not challenging the judgements of the mighty Oprah. Woe be to those who displease her.

Her gaze turns men to stone!

Recently my good friend and archnemesis Chuck Wendig asked for help with comics. Being a helpful sort of villain I obliged him with my baseball bat of good picks. As I rattled off my shortened list of comics I’d recommend, it got me thinking: Is there anyone else who is interested in comics? I used to make my living helping people spend their money wisely, so I’m here to offer my services to the internet!

Yay! I’m a 4 Color Prostitute! 

So lets get started by answering some fears people might have about comics.

I wouldn’t know where to start.

 Tackling the big one here. If you walk into your local comic store (or well stocked chain book store) you will notice the huge amount of comics there. There’s your Batman comics, your Superman, even your Green Lantern…for starters. Here’s a pic of one wall from Von’s Comics back when I worked there.

ONE wall.  One.  Of Four potential walls and that’s not including the rows of back issues we had.

Comics are pretty daunting especially if you are a complete novice to them. Some of them have over 80 years of history to them, and their back stories have been rewritten, retconned, or left in editorial nightmares for many years. (Looking at you, Hawkman.) This doesn’t include guest appearances in other comics, big cosmic events they may have taken part of, and character deaths. Just FYI: Get used to characters coming back to life frequently in comics if they were at all popular.

So how do we overcome this? Two ways come to mind. First, you can just dive in feet first and take it as a newbie and get it over with. This way everything is still a mystery and brand new to you and if you really get stuck, you can buy more issues to catch up on the story. For those of you who have to have the answers and want some prior knowledge to the comics, you can turn to our old standby and best friend the Internet for answers!

Comic fans *love* Wikipedia. I’m not making a broad generalization here; each Wednesday the comic book related entries are in a state of flux as fans hurry to update their favorite heroes page with what happened next. If Green Lantern is revealed to have an unhealthy fixation on squirrels it’ll appear.

Sometimes the Lantern IS a squirrel! (See? Told you it would happen!)

In the end it’s going to be best to go with what you think you will like. If you have fond memories of the Hulk comics from your childhood I recommend starting there. If a friend recommends a comic to you feel free to take them up on it. You are bound to find some comics you don’t like (Mine is the Boys) but eventually you will find something you love. 

Superheroes are boring!

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Err, sorry about that. That wasn’t fair. I was only kidding baby!

Truth be told, superhero comics can get pretty boring. There are only so many times you can watch Superman beat up Lex Luthor before it becomes old hat. The problem with superheroes is the same thing that can occur in other genres where they literally start to lose focus and their stories get repetitive. But fortunately those who aren’t interested in superheroes still have options with comics.

Comics weren’t always about guys in leotards fighting villains with doomsday devices. Some of the first comics included horror comics featuring Frankenstein and Dracula. Gritty detectives would have shoot outs with crooks by the docks and in space monsters would devour spaceships whole while their crew struggled to escape.

Would it surprise you that comic books were once considered so violent and pornographic that Congressional hearings were held to determine their effect on our nation’s youth? Comic books were held back for decades when the Comic Authority code was passed and comics became very formulaic and cartoonish. That’s a rant for another day though.

Every genre is available for comics these days. 

Horror: Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Science Fiction: Dan Dare by Garth Ennis
Comedy: Invincible by Robert Kirkman. K, this is a superhero comic but the comedy is the real center of this comic.
Philosophy: Action Philosophers! by Fred Van Lente. Seriously, if you need to study  for a Philosophy 101 class check out Action Philosophers! It’s funny and educational!

And yoooooou thought I was kidding! Where’s my $5?

I only like (Insert Writer Here.)

Fair enough. I’ve heard this one several times before.

I know some people who follow certain people religiously. They follow their favorite writer on twitter, they’re a fan of their Facebook page, and they own just about everything they’ve published. I do the same thing. I like Neil Gaiman and I find what he does interesting. The problem comes when I hear people who absolutely refuse to hear or read anything else.

I used to have a customer at Von’s who came in each week asking for the latest thing by Warren Ellis. He’d stand there and trash other comics, frequently pointing out how gay superhero comics covers were. If Warren Ellis wrote an article claiming the sky was neon pink instead of blue the guy would challenge people to honor duels defending that fact.

When I would try to show him something else he’d flat our reject it in favor of what he knew. No other writer could hold up compared to his favorite so why would he try?

While there is such a thing as comfort, this can stifle comics in my opinion. Warren Ellis is a fantastic writer! I have a hard time thinking of anything bad about the guy. But when I hear someone flat out deny the rest of the medium in favor of just one writer it annoys me.

So lets assume that Joe Schmoe prefers to read comics just by Garth Ennis. Garth Ennis is a guy who makes very action oriented, gritty comics. His version of the Punisher executes bad guys in a very messy, graphic style and his comic the Boys focuses on how flawed superheroes are, often making caricatures of famous pop icons and giving them some dirty secret like pedophilia or sex addiction.

For Joe, I’d recommend he try out Mark Millar for a while or Mark Waid.   Mark Millar did the popular Kick-Ass series, which delivers on the graphic violence Garth Ennis is known for and tells it’s own version of comic superheroes administering street justice. Waid’s series Irredeemable features a world where their version of Superman goes completely nuts and we’re introduced to what made him fall.

So there you go, true believers!  I just hope that some of you took something from this thing today. If you need any recommendations feel free to ask, I’ve read so many comics that I know more than a few good ones.

Leave your comments in the comment section if you want to know more about comics!  I’m always willing to help.  Get yourself to your local comic shop post haste!

Lets talk about moms for a second. Not yours, though from what I hear your mother who by all accounts is a classy lady!

My Mom though?  Awesome.  All the time.  Even when we argue she’s still amazing.

I get my love of reading from my mother who always took me to the library when I was a kid.  She’d let me check out any number of books I wanted which back then usually included Where’s Waldo, dinosaur picture books, and books on mythology.  My Mom continues to be more than a little understanding when she sees me reading a new graphic novel or book even though I have more than most people would consider humanly possible!

This is one bookshelf.  ONE.  OF MANY.

That’s not true….that bookshelf is outdated.  I have 3! RPG/comics, Comics, and novels and non-fiction.

But enough about my awesome library…

How cool is my Mom?  Remember that game that came out back in the day that involved fighters beating each other to a bloody pulp?  I’m not talking about  Pug Pirates, though that game would be just adorable.  I’m talking about Mortal Kombat!

(Taken by Amy Tucker from www.everyjoe.com)

My Mom sat me down once as a kid to talk to me about violence in video games.  I don’t remember much about the conversation but it went something like this:

Mom: “You know not to hurt people and that video games are fake, right?”
Lil’ Me: “Yep!”
Mom: “That’s great.  I trust you.  Here’s this new game everyone is talking about and I got you the blood code for it because apparently it comes pre-censored.”

A B A C A B B: The motherfucking blood code for Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis.  I still remember it to this day!

The only time she ever showed concern over what I was playing was when I started playing Grand Theft Auto III around the same time I started driving.  If I started running over pedestrians or failed to stop for red lights she’d take away my car keys. C’mon!  Everyone knows that Liberty City is in Soviet Nazistan and the pedestrians and prostitutes are baby sacrificing zombies from hell!
(Mom’s to smart for that lie, but yours might not be! See if that line will work kids!)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Pepperoni is pretty greasy, get some nice pineapple on your pizza instead.  As for the rest of you you’re thinking “You keep saying your Mom is great but that’s cause she does all these things for you!  What does she do for the rest of the community?”

My Mom is a Special Education teacher for IPS and is working with kindergarten at the moment.  In the past she’s had to work with emotionally handicapped students which can be really challenging, since a list of injuries for her have included: Broken thumb, numerous threats, and globs of spit.  It wasn’t a job for the faint of heart but she did it for 15 years!  That’s 15 years of dealing with stressful situations from day to day.

She’s also been an air traffic controller, a police dispatcher, and raised the 3 of us without batting an eye.

When she wasn’t helping out other people’s kids she helps take care of her grandson and my mighty nephew Jack!  Jack is over a year old now and is quite the handful!  He’s  a running, screaming, milk bottle throwing machine of cuteness!

  If there needed to be Jack vs. Evil Robot Baby, Jack wins 10x over.

My Mom somehow manages to juggle working at school all day and taking care of my nephew at night whenever my sister and brother in law are busy fighting evil as Lawyerman and Attorneywoman!  While they’re putting the bad guys away in jail she takes care of him (with the occasional guest appearance from me!)

Side note: Giant Robot Babies.  Do they grow up to be Giant Robot Giants?  THIS IS WHY WE’RE LOSING THE WAR ON GIANT ROBOTS, PEOPLE! President Obama, when will we prioritize funding towards building superdroids instead of stealth bombers?  Call me, I have some ideas.

To a special little lady out there who has helped make me who I am: You’re great and I love you.  Thank you for everything and for being the coolest person I know.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!