As the above title suggests, I saw Predators recently. It was actually pretty entertaining for what it was. What was it? It was a movie full of army guys with big guns fighting aliens with ray guns. That’s all it is, that’s all I expected it to be, and in the end that’s all I wanted.

The Predator is one of my favorite movie monsters. I remember watching the Predator on Channel 4 when I was a kid and despite my love of Arnold and Pancho, I always rooted for the Predator. He was supposed to be the quintessential best at everything; super strong, fast, and he possessed technology that let him cloak himself and fire bolts of plasma. When Predator 2 came out I loved it because it was not only as good as the original but it combined an urban setting for an alien tribal hunter and it did it successfully! 

Minor spoilers below. 

The new Predator did introduce a new “tribe” of Predator. This tribe differed in their style of attack and slightly in their anatomy. They had more of a conical shaped skull and had defined roles rather than just being an “Alien Hunter.” They used tactics and incorporated animals to aid them in their hunt. They had different styles of fighting, where one of the new Predators enjoyed fighting his victims one on one with a hand weapon and another used hounds to help him. 

I heard some complained about the new design even though it’s similar to the old one. The old design had a flatter head and was more beefy while this new one is slimmer and taller with a more conical shaped head. The new design has longer fangs on the front as well as a darker skin color. Still the two designs are identical and not too different, and the general feel of the old Predator is clearly in the new one. 

The film was a continuation of the Predator series that bypassed the AVP series entirely; set on an alien planet where the Predators had set up an elaborate game preserve the film made several homages to the first film. The humans were all specialists who were the best at what they do and had extensive military backgrounds. There were massive explosions and plenty of terrifying jungle scenes but the subtlest homage they did in the whole movie involved a minor (and easily forgotten) subplot involving yet another alien race on the planet.

This race was insectoid and was also brought in for hunting. They had slimy skin and were riddled with small cochroaches that lived in them like parasites. They were silent and fast and nearly killed one of the soldiers before it was brought down. Now, why do I bring up this creature?

Because believe it or not, the iconic Predator design we all know and love? It wasn’t the first design. The original design of the Predator was more reptillian and a bit impractical for their design needs back in the day. The suit had to be scrapped (some claim it was stolen) and a new design had to be developed. For the new Predators the special effects department wanted to design an alien that was also prey for the Predator so they adapted the old monster design into the new one.

Here’s a picture of the old Predator that could have been. I’m partial to it but it does look more like a Power Rangers villain than a scary alien hunter.

In Other News

Gen Con is right around the corner! Lets see what is going to be available at the con this year… 

Third Eye Games, who I have worked for and they are run by my amazing friend Eloy, have opened up a Fan Reward Program. You guys should check it out! While at Gen Con you should also stop by his booth (Studio 2 which is located at #320) to check out his new game!

http://thirdeyegames.net/index.php/forums/viewthread/76/

 Maschine Zeit will be for sale at the Indie Press Revolution booth!  You all know you want a copy (or three!) and they will have plenty of merchandise ready. I believe there will also be demos as well so you can all find out what the game is like! I do hope you all like it, I really do think it’s an amazing game. 

http://machineageproductions.com/?page_id=143

WoD Mirrors will be at the White Wolf booth. I haven’t had a chance to read it so I don’t know for sure if it will be amazing…but I know half of the writers who worked on it and they have produced amazing things in the past. Chuck Wendig? Yeah, he wrote for it. If you need something to help make your WW chronicle stand out or need something to help expand your own World of Darkness, I recommend picking it up!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/07/14/world-of-darkness-mirrors-post-mortem-qa/ 

My schedule for the Con is below but subject to change:

Thursday

Wishes from Space: A Green Lantern based heroes game at the Crowne Plaza. 12-6PM

Friday

JSA vs. Cthulhu: 16 of DC’s Golden Age heroes must face off against the ultimate evil at the Hyatt. 12PM - 6PM

Saturday

Mostly free, but I do have a dinner with friends around 6 and a game afterwards. I might attend the White Wolf party that evening but I’m not sure.

Sunday

Free all day but probably will be shopping and connecting with friends.

Does anyone want to do a meet up this year at Gen Con? I will be arriving on Wednesday and staying until Sunday! 

(I apologize about the format of this entry, for some reason Wordpress is not letting me change the color of the font or it’s layout without breaking the entry.)

First, take in the above photo. Lets check the CRITERIA OF COOL SHIT to see where it falls on there:

• Werewolves fighting Vampires? Check! (Bonus for not being Twilight)
• Pyramids in the background with a full moon? Check!
• Half serpent vampire coming up to a werewolf with Egyptian paraphernalia? Check!

In short, this picture is indeed, in layman’s terms, Cool Shit.This picture comes from Werewolf: the Apocalypse, an “RPG of Savage Horror” from White Wolf Publishing. It’s was published in the 90s after the release of Vampire: the Masquerade and featured tribes of Werewolves fighting the demonic hosts of the Wyrm and the Weaver in a never ending battle doomed to end in fire. In other words, you get to be a werewolf that wields three foot blades of fury.

Also, some Werewolves use big ass silver swords in addition to their claws. But Why am I bringing up Werewolf: the Apocalypse? Why would I bring up the game people love to hate or tend to love too much? Cause I really God damn miss it. W:tA was one of the first RPGs I ever played.

My best friend picked up the book at the local comic shop and he was the first to become obsessed with it. We were sitting around the gaming table one night when he tried to introduce us to something new. I believe the pitch went something like this…

Him: Hey, you guys want to play Werewolf: the Apocalypse?Us: I dunno, that sounds dumb. What sort of werewolf can I play?Him: Dude, you can play as a WEREWOLF.Us:…..can I play a werecat instead? Or a wereshark?Him: I don’t have the books for those, but you can play as a Wendigo or a stealthy kungfu warrior.Us: SOLD!He ran our first game but I soon took over and ran a game for three years. I ran a game for almost the entirety of high school, and had three separate chronicles. It was one of the first games I ever ran and it gave me some of the best memories. I still miss those guys as well.

Was it a perfect setting? Not really. I think what drew me most to it was that it reminded me of a lot of movies I watched when I was a teenager. It was a game that reflected the 90s in a sense; you could play werewolves with long pony tails or dreadlocks who wielded overly long swords that cut muscular demon princes in half. It’s setting reflected some of the weird existentialism that the 90s seemed to offer.  You traversed the Umbra, a great shadowy realm where echos of fallen cities sat alongside pocket dimensions full of winged bird creatures. It was almost a superhero game when you think about it. At the drop of a hat you could turn into a giant muscular killing machine that fought guys who belched hellfire and were covered in scales.

The game also had an interesting metaplot. The game’s story revolved around the werewolves (or Garou) being the chosen warriors of Gaia. You fought against the forces of the Wyrm and tried to preserve the natural balance while asserting dominance. Each book added something new to the metaplot, such as when Sam Haight and Blacktooth first appeared as big menacing foes that threatened to turn the world on it’s heel to their eventual defeat. BTW, kudos to the WW staff for working with the players and leaving Blacktooth’s downfall something that could be worked into a campaign.

Back then I thought all of this was cool and I admit, part of me still does. What part of giant sword wielding werewolf doesn’t sound cool? But certain other aspects are dated, and no longer appeal to me. The complicated storyline was full of plot holes unless you could afford each and every book and at times it took turns that didn’t appeal to me. Villains were introduced that just seemed to be world enders and yet they were hard to work into the average campaign. Finally, the “We must all work together for Gaia” storyline locked players in. While intertribal conflicts could still occur it still became a game of “Gaia is the world, you must fight monsters until you die, and believing anything different is just impossible.”

Still, I’m nostalgic for the way things were. I even admit I liked the game. I reread the old Tribebooks and smile when I remember some random tidbit I forgot about the setting. I still have my favorite Tribes and wonder which was cooler, a Shadowlord Philodox or a Ratkin Twitcher.

For all it’s faults the game was entertaining and I remember when my players cheered and high fived each other when they defeated Alzagor and drove his spirit from Earth, when they actually showed fear when the Scottish Get of Fenris King Sweet Tooth declared war on them, or their intrigue into the mystery of the Spirit Shards of Charon. Good memories, good memories indeed.  

In Other News…

Chuck Wendig has a good point about movie theaters.   Movie theaters sound like the place where you can go spend an evening watching a movie on an enormous screen in comfort and with great food to eat. The reality is as different as night and day.

I live on the Eastside of Indy, where going to see a movie in a crowded theater is literally more a pain in the ass. Besides the seats which frequently give you a pain in the ass because they’re cut up or worn down, it’s really hard to enjoy a movie when the audience is talking amongst itself. I live five minutes from the Washington Square Theater but my main issue with seeing a new movie there is the noise. Seriously, the fucking noise.

You know the signs that say to turn off your cell phones, to talk amongst yourselves in a soft voice, and to be considerate of others? They do not apply there. When I went to see the Wolfman, an old woman kept talking loudly to people who called her on her cell phone. A mother brought her three young children who started screaming in fear during the trailers before the movie. While we sat off on our own in the theater a trio of men sat behind us reeking of cigarettes and between spilling their sodas down the aisle on our feet, talking over the movie so that they could hear each other, and laughing inappropriately during the film.

“But that’s just one movie,” you might say. “You should not judge a theater by one bad experience!” Unfortunately, I”ve had too many movies where I’ve had to deal with crap. Push, Avatar, one of the Star Trek showings, etc.

Do I go to some other side of town? Will that let me escape the noisy theater goers here on the Eastside? No! Unfortunately, I’ve had the same experience everywhere else. Watching Push while I had a head cold at the theater downtown was a treat when the rowdy group of teens in the back started a food fight. Driving all the way to the theater in Castleton was nice when all the reasonable movie times for when I wanted to see Avatar were sold out. And I won’t even go into detail about the time I tried to see a movie and the woman at the concessions stand decided to get on her soapbox and complain about my “Free Comic Book Day” t-shirt (a noble cause worth arguing against if there ever was one. Or not.)

I like going to Landmark out in Keystone but the problem is the price, the drive, and the fact that few people want to go with me. It’s a small but really nice independent theater that has the luxury of having a bar inside the theater so you can enjoy a drink when you watch a film. It lacks the convenience of other theaters however and I’m not convinced I won’t run into a bad time there at some point in the future.

Will I still see movies at theaters? Yeah. I love seeing them so much. I like going with friends to see the latest release even if the audience gets loud. I’ve had some really good experiences as well, especially if I can go really early on a weekday to see a film or if I wait until the movie is at the end of its run. I just hate how for something that should be considered a luxury usually turns out to be a pain in the ass. It’s a $9 ticket to mediocrity, with $15 of stale or poor food added on top. 

This Just In…

Gen Con is upon us. In two weeks I will be attending the Geekiest Place on Earth, here in my hometown of Indianapolis. Gen Con is one of the largest gaming conventions in the US and for 5 days I’ll be hanging out with fellow geeks, playing the latest in RPGs and video games, and relaxing with my friends. Is anyone else going? What are you looking forward to this year? 

Hello loyal readers, it’s me, your mighty ruler. I hope you are all well or at least well enough to continue serving the Crown.

I’ve got a problem.

My laptop died. It was my faithful friend for 4 years but hardware errors did it in. It cracked along the hinges and  with time the cracks caused the hinges to break off and the screen to fail. I can’t take it in to be fixed as no one wants to do hardware repairs on plastic frames and the place where I bought it was Circuit City. In short, it’s royally fucked.

I do have some money in my savings, though my savings has diminished a bit with having to renew my registration, pay for repairs on our house after the lightning strike,  replace things fried in the lightning strike, etc etc etc Shenanigans Veritas Fidelis.

Now I need to replace my laptop as I need a portable computer. My first thought was a netbook but the screen is too small. People have noticed the incredibly thick laser goggles I wear on my face that are otherwise called MY GLASSES. I need a decent sized screen so I can increase the size of print. I can read 12 point alright, but sometimes I really need 14 point when it’s late at night and I’m tired. I don’t want a desktop replacement sized screen however because that’s just really freaking big.

So a basic laptop is what I’m looking at. I want something with good memory and a large hard drive, but I don’t need something that’s a top of the line gaming laptop. I need a laptop for work so it needs to be able to have Word, a pdf reader, a web browser, and possibly a chat client open at the same time without slowing down. This is especially true for the pdf reader as I’m sick of having to wait for pages to load as I read pdfs. I do have a bunch that I read for fun but all too often I’m doing research or helping proofread something and need to be able to read it with some ease.

Has anyone heard of Asus before? I have never heard of it, but they seem to have the best prices for what I’m looking at. Asus appears to be a Taiwanese company that’s known for rugged computers but I’m not sure I want to pay for a company I’m not familiar with. I’ve also heard rumors that the fans inside the laptops tend to fail and this can melt the graphics card, but I read this in a comment on the internet. Does anyone have any credible evidence on this? I don’t want to diss the brand based on someone’s bad experience.

Right now, this laptop seems to be what I want. It’s either this one or it’s $700 Sony one that’s available at Best Buy as well.

A friend recommended www.ibuypower.com but they seem to be geared mainly towards gaming laptops. I don’t need something that strong or that expensive.

Finally, I really need something for the long term. I can’t afford replacing my core technology that often and I like to use things until they absolutely die (like my last laptop!) I would like it to be reliable and something that I can repair easily. I’m not one to take my laptop in to the store when the first little malfunction occurs as I’m a little skilled at debugging and fixing issues. It would be nice though if I had the option to take the laptop in for repairs.

Enough about that, lets talk about the most important issue on the Internet last week. The issue wasn’t whether one country can own a date (suck it Canada, we do!) or if the growing strife between Republicans and Democrats will disenfranchise yet another generation of Americans and only deepen civil strife within our nation. No, I’m afraid the biggest disaster facing the Internet last week was whether one woman deserved to wear pants.

 Wonder Woman is getting some new clothes and a new storyline with them. For her 600th issue, DC is launching Wonder Woman in a new storyline that I will even admit is pretty bold. Spoilers below, though I guess you’ll need to read them anyways to understand my argument.

Wonder Woman is going through a radical change. The Greek Gods are withdrawing their support of Themoscyra, their home island. By withdrawing their support this allows some unknown opponent to alter their timeline and erase them from history, scattering a few lone survivors across the planet and changing their identities. Wonder Woman will have to struggle to find her place in a world that doesn’t remember her for what she was and she must tackle the mystery of who did this to her people.

Is it the bold storyline that’s causing people to get upset? I admit, it’s not my cup of tea but it might be cool. I think it sounds like an alternate history for the character that’s better suited for Elseworlds but I’m not really a Wonder Woman fan. I’ll give the new story a shot. But people aren’t just upset by the storyline. They’re angry over the fact she has PANTS.

Wonder Woman has had the same iconic costume since her inception, with only a few notable changes to it. The biggest change to her costume was in the 70s when she was depowered and made into a super spy, but her powers and costume were later returned to her. In her signature one piece leotard, she is Linda Carter’s most well known role.

I get how it’s a signature look to her. Superman has the blue costume with the red underpants on the outside. Batman has the cape and cowl. The Tick is dressed as a big blue whatchamacallit. So naturally when people think of Wonder Woman’s new clothes they get upset because something is different.

I’ve read comics for a long time so I remember when everyone changed costumes. Batman was replaced with a crime fighting psycopath in power armor, Superman’s powers were changed and he had a blue suit to contain his new electric form, and Green Lantern had a suit of metal armor with huge shoulder pads.  Wonder Woman is just going through a natural evolution of the character and as you can tell, I like it.

It just seems more natural to me. I didn’t mind the character’s old outfit, but the new one makes more sense on so many levels. Not only does it cover more of her body, but she seems more modern. She’s still the same Amazon warrior of myth but now her clothes better reflect her time. People who claim she is somehow losing her sexuality by covering up more are just wrong or weird.

My only real complaint is the jacket. I remember the late 80s and 90s where Captain America, the Black Knight, Animal Man, and others had jackets. They could sit around and look cool in their spiffy new jackets which they never bothered store shit in the 20 pockets they had. As you can tell those jackets never lasted, and I’m not sure the jacket with shoulder pads will last on her. 

And that’s it for me rambling.  G’night all!

Good morning, folks. Today is the 4th of July, which in the United States is the day we celebrate our independence from England. For many Americans, we get together with our families and enjoy good old fashioned American junk food while watching things blow up in the sky. (Like Star Wars!) But what does our independence really mean? Do people really know the story of America’s founding or do they just assume some movie will tell them? (Like Star Wars!) I’ll give you today the true history of the United States of America.

 The United States of America started off on the continent of Old Columbia, named after their discoverer the great sage Christopher Columbus. In the 15th and 16th centuries colonists from across the world settled there, even coming from far off lands like Holland, England, France, and New Neptune to settle her shores. The Colonies were formed, each formed after an astrological sign that best reflected their disposition. When John Smith pointed out how unfair it was for his colony to be called Cancer (as he sensed it would some day become something tragic), they changed their names to the 14 Colonies we know today.

1. Furste! (A colony reknowned for showing up early but never contributing to the conversation afterwards)
   
2. Virginia
3. Virgnia 2
4. Kingdom of North Carolina
   
5. Soviet Republik of Carolina
6. Boston
7.  Bawstin’ (Boston’s louder, more fun neighbor.)
   
8. Rhodes Island
   

And a few others who I think everyone is familiar with.
As the Colonies prospered, King George looked from his ancient draconic throne and grew angry that he was not receiving proper tribute. After having just emerged from a brutal civil war between those demanding democracy in England and the Deatheaters, King George wished to expand his influence amongst the colonies and receive more proper tribute so that he might evolve from Colossal to Ancient. But how could he expand his power to a land so far removed from his own?
But King George had something up his sleeve, or rather it was on top of his head. A long kept secret of the Line of Old Saxon Kings was the truth behind their unholy power. Ancient Druids gathered together the mightiest magics and dragons England had to offer during the Battle of Hastings and constructed the most enduring relic in England today: the Magna Carta. Often misrepresented as some dusty document, the Magna Carta is actually the crown that gives one of royal blood access to the vast undead armies of England. 

Sho’ nuff.

With the Magna Carta to bolster their ranks, the British were able to keep a stranglehold on America’s resources and keep us occupied. The Redcoats, named so for their often bloody and worn garments the undead soldiers wore, were brutal enforces and incapable of rational thought. They massacred brave colonists for opposing modest taxes on common goods and often cheated at cards.

Not one to be kept down the American people met in secret to discuss ways to gain our independence. George Washington and other members of the Heliopic Order of Beech Teeth met in Masonic temples to commune with their clerics to see what could be done. The Hierophant told young Washington that he saw him leading a vast army against the Redcoats but that the cost would be dear. Imbued with righteous power after having recently multiclassed into Divine Avenger, Washington formed his group from the best and brightest bold adventurers New England had to offer. He chose,

Thomas Jefferson, Bard and renowned poet. With his faerie dragon familiar Mitzi they were adept at confounding the King’s Troll Man.

Benjamin Franklin, Inventor, Politician, Philosopher, and dashing Rogue. He was adept at charming women as he was at picking up new skill points. Washington considered his wise counsel quite a feat which bolstered his abilities in combat. (Combat tactics.)

Samuel Adams, Dwarf Brewer and Viking Warrior. Descended from the proud people of Adamnadin, Samuel would enter combat while singing proud sagas of his people and swinging his double headed axe. He often butted heads with Franklin who he considered “A Yankee dandy like an elf.”

 Betsy Ross, renowned seamstress and source of emotional support for Washington. While no one had heard of someone who weaved magic before (3rd party supplement), they welcomed her counsel and she was instrumental in making the Ward Shields that would later become the US flag.

As Washington led his band of adventurers on many battles across the United States, the British won the battles of Bunker Hill with their impressive Zerg Rush technique. This technique was inspired by Lord Admiral Hemington Zerg, a battle hardened commander who equipped his Undead Overlords with extended eyestalks to increase their range. Anxious to end the surveillance of his home base and eliminate their advantage, the commander of the Terran forces gave his famous quote “Don’t shoot until you see the Wights or their Eyes.”

The war would go back and forth between General George Washington (who had just maxed out his Leadership skill tree) and General Cornwallis, a man often played by actors who play villains. I’m not trying to judge but if you think about it, he was played by the same guy who was General Fromme in Valkyrie. Washington and Cornwallis would fight back and forth for several years, as they commanded dozens of individual movements and their soldiers had to march across difficult terrain which knocked 2 inches off their march ability. (This isn’t counting Impassible terrain and the slow Dwarf units.) Cornwallis showed the cheesiness of the Gunline special ability while Washington refused to play into Cornwallis hand and used a variant of the Infiltration rule and skirmishers to piss him off.

Cornwallis himself said this after one lengthy battle where after two days of constant shelling he emerged the victor:

“In truth the Rebels fight like rabble, and their militia is in shambles. My men scatter them easily on the field while we fight to maintain order in the colonies. I would like to give one credit of honor to my opponent however, as he is a proper gentleman and maintains himself with the proper conduct of an officer. That being said if he could stop with the atrocious American practice of “teabagging”, this might truly be a just and proper affair rather than some messy fragfest.”

Cornwallis, for all his credit, overreached himself after the beginning of his campaign. After cashing in his cards (Cards being an efficient way to communicate with Britain that you needed more troops, cavalry, and cannons), he went on a massive streak of victories across the American territories. Despite the advantage of the defenders his incredible luck prevailed and he surged across the Colonies. Unfortunately he overextended himself and when France (White player) and Spain (Yellow player) lent Washington their own cards, Washington was able to lead a counterattack against the vastly overextended Cornwallis. Military historians point to the fact that while uniting America under one rule seems like an efficient means the fact it is linked to Central America, Norway, and Asia means it’s a real bitch to hold in multiplayer.

Washington emerged the victor at Yorktown and crushed Cornwallis. Despite calling upon his fell allies the Hessian Prince, Vlad the Impaler and Solomon Grundy, Washington was revealed to be one of the Lost Sons of Erin and burned with holy light. Cut off from the source of his powers Cornwallis fell to his knees and offered the same vorpal blade that he had used to kill Washington’s father to his opponent, begging him to save his honor and take his life. Washington was merciful to his opponent however, as it was against the Path he had set out upon since Character Generation and was not eager to give up on Humanity yet. Cornwallis was sent home with his tail between his legs while Washington stayed and helped establish a new nation.

And that is the story of the 4th of July. Always remember the sacrifices that our forefathers made and celebrate the pain and suffering they went to by having a second helping of hot dogs or nachos tonight. High five someone who was in the armed forces because their history of sacrifice, bravery, and skilled camping and sniping skills are what have led us through the most grueling death matches.

GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

Uh oh.  I upset someone.  ON THE INTERNET. 

My dear friend and colleague Rick Carroll posted something about lightning this morning on twitter and I felt compelled to correct him. I mean, if anyone here is an expert on lightning it’s me!  I recently had the misfortune of getting Zeus’ wrath after we got back from vacation earlier this month and had lightning blow out all the electronics in our house.

Didn’t I tell you all about that?  It’s been no easy task dealing with insurance companies in the aftermath of it.  Lightning struck a tree in our neighbor’s yard which then arced into our fence.  The train of destruction is as follows and reads like a Family Circus strip. 

1. From the tree into the fence where it tried to weld our fence shut.
2. Through the fence to the gutter where it knocked off the drain spout and went into the gutters.
3. Through the metal gutter guard into our roof, knocking off shingles and popping the top vent. It also warped some metal.
4. Part of the lightning hit our phone line which was spliced with the cable line because of Comcast’s Triple Play package (I’ll rant about them later)
5. Went into the cable line and into our house frying every electronic on the first floor and popping nearly all the fuses.
   

Some of my friends said “Why didn’t you use surge protectors? They would have stopped the lightning cold!” Ha ha, no. No how much your average surge protector can stop? It can stop a fuse blowing or a short circuit. Not only do they not stop lightning but lightning fried out our surge protectors as well as the power supply to the 360.  

Come to think of it, I think Rick was teasing me because he was the one who sent the lightning bolt!  He must have stolen one of Zeus’ lightning bolts and tried to nail our house but missed because he’s a horrible person shot!

Oh it’s ON! I challenge you to a writing contest good sir! Are you game?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION!

Or How I Learned To Stop Caring And Shoot My Gun.

 I beat Red Dead Redemption the other night, and let me tell you: This game was something different.

You take on the role of John Marston, a notorious outlaw who is blackmailed by the US government into trying to take down former members of your old gang.  After being left for dead outside of Fort Mercer you are taken in by the MacFarlanes who tend to your wounds and set you on your path that takes you through the beautiful mesa of New Austin, down into the troubled times of Mexico, and back north into West Elizabeth where you take haven in the city of Blackwater.

The game is good, no doubts there. The graphics blew me away once I started playing the game. Everything from trail dust hugging your legs to grass swaying in the breeze makes you feel like you are in the Old West. Animals scamper about as you go hunting and towns have that old fashioned feel to them.

When it comes to the missions, they all seemed to blend in after a while but they still had a fun if simple premise; shoot the bad guys dead. It was fun sneaking into hideouts or Mexican army bases but some of the other missions usually involved “Ride to Point A While Listening To Boring Monologues Then Shoot Crap.”  I liked some of the minigames though so these are just minor complaints.  The Dead Eye system made hunting too simplistic but was absolutely necessary for gun fights.

Gunfights gunfights gunfights. The game really appeals to the wild west nuts and those who crave violence. With at least 6 types of weapons to choose from you can customize what weapons you take with you into a fight.  Certain outfits either granted you camouflage against a certain group or gave you bonuses as well.  I admit, it was satisfying to shoot from the distance with my Elephant Gun, switching out for my Mauser as I assaulted the base, then pulling out the Semi Auto Shotgun for close quarters.

Some of the little things in the game were great but were balanced out by equally aggravating things.  I loved playing Texas Hold ‘Em and Blackjack in the saloons to raise money!  Hunting was also a pretty ingenious way to test a player’s skills by having challenges in the game required by killing certain creatures. I also learned how to play Liar’s Dice which I’m dying to play in person with someone now. On the other hand, the Ranching missions were a PAIN IN THE ASS.  I’m an outlaw who brings vigilantes to justice and I’m an expert gambler, why do I need to learn how to drive cattle? What was to be gained by playing Horseshoes to give me the final piece I needed for my outfits? Why would you give me certain outfits in the game but lock me out of changing clothes towards the end?

One major problem I had was the inconsistent dialogue. In Grand Theft Auto you overhear lots of people talking as you walk down the street and the radio helps fill you in on gaps in the game.  There was something to be said for listening to some good music as you drive ten minutes across the map to your destination. In RDR, the game has a beautiful soundtrack that lets you know when certain events are happening. It changes to a quick racing sort of music when you see outlaws make off with a wagon or the lively tunes in the saloon in Armadillo help with the poker games. Everywhere else though it’s quiet  VERY quiet.

The game gets sort of haunting in fact while you creep along in the dark trying to sneak into an outlaw camp or if you’re just sitting and waiting for a deer to run by. When there is music, it is either the same generic riding music or it only plays as long as the encounter lasts. If I shoot the outlaw, the music starts over again or goes to silence.  The same monotonous music got to me especially since I know the game has a great soundtrack because it came as a free download when I preordered it. Also, while the saloon in Armadillo had piano music none of the other bars did so the games there are filled with the same dialogue that repeats over and over again. (Like the racist guy who keeps saying Sure as Shootin’. I wanted to throw down my cards and plug him right there!)

Another problem comes from glitches. I have yet to see the humorous Cougar Man or Amazing Chinese Acrobat, but I have encountered a few weird ones.

• My horse phased into a bridge so that half of him was dangling below it and the other half was stuck on top. 
• Hit a man with dynamite and knocked him down. He then got back up and started running away!
• Bear Rump. A Bear was fused with a tree so that only his butt was sticking out. It reminded me of Winnie the Pooh except this guy was roaring and trying to hit me!
• Jumped over a small rock and my horse died suddenly as if it had fallen and impacted something.
• As long as I’m locked on to someone in Dead Eye Mode and keep moving, even if I run by a tree and Marston holds his gun up in the air the bullets go straight up and into my target.  SEEKER BULLETS!

 Overall the game gets a solid 4 1/2 out of 5. Amusing antics, beautiful graphics, and fun missions make this a near solid win. If they could fix some of the errors and simplify dueling I think it would definitely kick ass.

So Chuck Wendig has an amazing contest going right now.  Each day Chuck checks the analytics for his website and finds out what search phrases people have used to find his site.  Most recently, someone used the weirdest phrase in the world.

“My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser”

Since uncovering the phrase Chuck is determined to make it the next great Internet meme.  Apart from posting it on Fark and hoping it takes off form there he came up with a brilliant idea!  He’s asking people to write flash fiction or come up with something creative centered around that phrase!  It can be an Internet Meme, a poem, or a batshit crazy story.  More details right here!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/13/my-beard-come-so-fat-i-wanna-do-laser-the-goddamn-contest-and-the-effing-t-shirt/

So what did I do?  Well…I’m a little drunk.  I started drinking some cider while watching Deadliest Warrior (shut up, I like it!) and hit upon the idea of a Saturday morning Kid’s TV show adapted from Japan.  So I present the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors in this week’s adventure, Rage of the Digital Raven! Enjoy!

BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD, LASER! BEARD, LASER! BEARD (Beard) LASER (Laser) BEARD BEARD LASER LASER, BEARD BEARD LASER LASER,

BEARD.

LASER.

GO!!!

Am hellsten Tag!

in der dunkelsten Nacht!

kein Übel entgeht meinem Anblick!

lassen Sie die, die evil’ anbeten’s konnte!

passen Sie meine Energie auf!

Beard Laser s-Licht!

Last Time on Beard Laser Go!

Our incredible team of teenage ne’er do wells was hot on the pursuit of the evil Monochrome and his mutated avian monstrosity the Digital Raven! But with only 10 minutes of Energastic Power remaining in their Battle Rigs, can the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors defeat the vile Monochrome before he drains all the color in the world?

Lt. Boone chewed on the toothpick in his mouth like it was the cool thing to do as his Battle Rig navigated the dark tunnels of the Peruvian Underworld. Over 30 feet long his Lion Rig leapt from wall to wall as wicked cool lights blazed from it’s eye sockets. Thumbing up his cowboy hat he stared at the blinking lights on his console with disgust.

“Nothing! We’ve been down here almost an hour and we haven’t found diggity squat!”

Crawling around the corner was the dainty form of Tasha’s Chihuahua Rig. While small and covered with sparkling gemstones it could reflect laser fire and it’s twin linked chain guns could tear a man in half. Her cockpit was full of pictures and stuffed animals that did little to interfere with how Rig handled.

“Gee guys,” said Tasha as she stared at an oversized digital clock nervously. “I’m worried about us running out of power down here. We’ve only got a little bit of Energastic Power left in our Rigs!”

“What’s wrong little girl, scared?” echoed a voice in the darkness. Scuttling in the shadows was the terrifying form of the Buku-Battle Rig. A combination of a velociraptor, a fox, and a giant octopus the Buku-Battle Rig was as terrifying as its driver. Martin brushed back his bangs as he lit up a clove cigarette then closed his eyes with pleasure.

“Afraid something in the dark will get you?”

The massive Wolfgang Rig bounded down the hull, it’s sleek hull covered in numerous gun ports. As it bounded into the air and hung for 30 seconds, it’s pint sized driver cheered loudly through the tunnel.

“I’m not!” shouted Jimmy enthusiastically.  Jimmy laughed as his Rig landed on the ground and sent dust everywhere. Bounding again he was dancing in circles around the Lion Rig must to Boone’s irritation.

“I wanna do Laser!” said Jimmy.

“No, we’re not”, replied Lt. Boone as he gripped the controls tightly. “Stay in attack formation.”

“I wanna do laser!” shouted Jimmy, his hand inching closer and closer to the big red button on his dashboard. “That new beard we’ve got is so phat, I wanna do laser!”

“Holy Mars,” uttered Tasha as she struggled to bring her Rig under control. “We’re barely holding on here and you want to do laser mode? Are you crazy?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Good, now get into formation and we’ll fight our way to the surface while we still have pow-”

A massive explosion sent the Lion Rig crashing to the ground. All the other Rigs reflexively posed. A loud flapping noise could be heard throughout the tunnel as a sinister yet familiar high pitched laughter echoed around them.

“Pity you’re showing common sense when it’s just too late!”

Rising from a pit in the ground roared a monstrous beast. It’s jet black armored scales and furiously blazing red eyes caused the Lightning Lumberjacks to back up with fear. With a massive shrill shriek, the Digital Raven rocketed down the hall scattering everyone about. It arched up to the ceiling of the tunnel which seemed impossibly high and from a tiny saddle on its neck the villainous Monochrome in his white and black checkered suit grinned down at our heroes.

“I’d like to thank you for saving me the time it would take to dig your own graves!” The Digital Raven shrieked again and began pounding the ground with massive sonic blasts, causing the tunnel to shake violently.

“Team?” Boone bled a little bit from his mouth. This often happens when you chew on toothpicks carelessly in life or death situations. Word to your mothers, kids.

“Ready!” they shouted in unison.

“Go Laser.”

The four Rigs began to fold and compress into strange shapes that seemed in opposite to their original designs. The Buku-Battle Rig folded in half and and the tentacles slithered around to form a belt as it became the pants. The Chihuaha lengthened and split on both sides, the tiny head of the canine becoming five fingered hands. The Wolfgang seemed to roll into a sphere twice, first as a smaller ball but then as a much bigger one!  The other parts connected to it as the wolf face flattened to become the chest piece.

Finally, the Lion Rig shrank just a bit and looked like a massive man’s head with a thick, burly beard. It was the type of beard you grow when you have shit to do and the skills to do it. Like a mechanic Moore, when the Rigs joined together the whole form glowed with energy. A long wood cutting axe slipped out of nowhere into it’s hand and blazed with fire, lighting up the hallway.

Massive tendrils formed on the face and their ends widened into massive gun ports. Each terrifying curl became it’s own rail cannon, and smoke whisped out of it’s ears. From behind the Great Lumber-Rig glowed the sun, causing Monochrome and the Digital Raven to reel with terror at it’s majesty.

As one the entire team put their hands on a massive button that sprung out of nowhere in their cockpit. Each one grinned at each other as they pushed down in unison, their battle cry causing Monochrome to pee a little in fear.

“BEARD LASER GO!”

In Other News…

I HATE VUVUZELAS!

I have nothing against national pride.  Hell, I’m from the United States where everyone proudly says they are of one ethnicity or the other when the appropriate holiday comes up. But the vuvuzela is as enrapturing as a bee sting and as pleasant to listen to as Rush Limbaugh’s sex talk with Michael Moore!

http://thedailywh.at/post/703105640/animated-gif-of-the-day-dammit-gimli-reddit

It’s the end of Lost as we know it!  Soon we will no longer be Lost but still very confused as to what the hell happened in the past six years.  It’s been six years of confusing twists, weird explanations, and just the general feeling that manatees with volleyballs were responsible for picking out the plot.

This doesn’t mean the show has not been really amazing.

If I had to sum up the show, I’d sum it up as a sci fi mystery thriller with hints of comedy and suspense. Each season seemed designed to turn the show on it’s head, almost as if it was trying to taunt it’s own audience.  It was like the show was the TV version of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal, as the show was observed it then had to change. In layman’s terms, if the show was a person it would say this:

Audience: hooray!  I know what’s going on!  The Island was host to some big science experiment!
Show: FUCK YOU IT’S MAGIC
Audience: ……….
Show: Not just magic but magic Ghosts. Yeah, hows them apples?
Audience: OK, so the magic ghosts-
Show: Highlanders.
Audience: What??
Show: It’s the Highlanders now…HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION???

Fans of the show would agree with this.

But so many questions were left unanswered!  I mean, fuck…this show is having its series finale but leaving behind more questions than shows that end on cliffhangers.  Seriously, Heroes had a few questions behind when it ended but Lost is going to fill encyclopedias with unanswered questions and mythology.

Here are some of my biggest questions, and some possible answers will come after it.

1. What happened to Walt?  How did Linus know Walt would get rescued?
2. How did Hugo and Miles get their abilities?
3. Is it really magic, science fiction, or a bit of both? How did Jacob know the “spells” to grant powers to others?
4. What are Jacob’s powers?
5. What is the Man in Black’s real name and what is his history?
6. Why is Desmond in the parallel universe a big freaking dick?
7. How come no one else went into the Source and became separated from their body? Even on accident and with a guardian, there were years where no one guarded the Source and it was possible others could be created.
8. Who are the others the Man in Black was talking about? He wasn’t referring to the Others that lived on the island.

I am entertaining any answers you might have.
Spoilers Below…YOU WERE WARNED.

My final theory on the history of the island:

• The Source is a fragment from the creation of universe. It centered itself on the Island and mankind achieved sentience because of it. Sipping from the water gives you knowledge of everything and gives you immortality, which explains how Jacob and the Man in Black are able to manipulate events and see into the future.
• The reason physics on the island don’t conform with the rest of the world is because the Source is made up of strange quantum particles that change reality around them. Organic structures don’t decay on the island and some damage can be regenerated. The water causes people’s bodies to never get old.
• Jacob and the Man in Black were from some ancient Judeo Christian civilization.  They were from possibly 4000 B.C. though I don’t know how to date this accurately.
• After the separation of the Man in Black from his body, he became a spirit which manifested as an angry storm. He then became the representation of Baal and Apep to the civilizations that found him next.  When Egyptian explorers found the island he was confused with Apep (God of Destruction) and to appease him they built the massive statue of Taweret to appease him.  Man in Black uses the colonists who come afterwards to build the Temple, the Wheel, and the Ruins.
• Dharma Initiative learned about the island from records kept over the years from those who escaped the island and when it’s discovered they build the bases there. Their research sets up strange events throughout the world, such as the Bermuda Triangle.
• Man in Black influences each civilization that comes to the island to his own means, then eventually when they turn on him he destroys them whether in storm form or with corruption.  The Egyptian hieroglyphs of Anubis battling Apep show his battles.
• The Dharma Initiative is destroyed due to conflict with the Others who are the descendants of those who get lost on the Island. The Samurai was a businessman who became lost at sea after the death of his son, so he devotes himself towards alchemy and the pursuit of Bushido.
• The Dharma Initiative left the island when the majority of the base was killed off and Charles uses his outside resources to keep resources flowing to the island but keeps people from finding it.
• The Flash Sideways are just of a universe where the people get a better life. I have a theory that Jack is responsible for doing this after obtaining powers.

Oh Green Lantern…I love you but I’m probably going to make fun of you at least one more time before this is through.

No I’m not giving out free comics. There’s already a holiday dedicated to it on the first weekend of May. Perhaps you heard about it…

There’s never a more perfect time to get into comics, especially when they’re free. And that’s what I’m here to tell you about today. Lets look at that more understood method of storytelling, the comic!

I can already hear the excuses because I worked in a comic store for many years: Who reads comics?  I’m too mature for them. I read things off the Bestseller list or what Oprah recommends.

That’s just bologna. Millions of people across the world read comics, and many of them are adults. Comic books are a wildly diverse medium these days, featuring everything from classic spandex clad do-gooders fighting for God, Country and the Common man to worlds dominated by zombies who eat the good guys for breakfast…literally. 

Please note I’m not challenging the judgements of the mighty Oprah. Woe be to those who displease her.

Her gaze turns men to stone!

Recently my good friend and archnemesis Chuck Wendig asked for help with comics. Being a helpful sort of villain I obliged him with my baseball bat of good picks. As I rattled off my shortened list of comics I’d recommend, it got me thinking: Is there anyone else who is interested in comics? I used to make my living helping people spend their money wisely, so I’m here to offer my services to the internet!

Yay! I’m a 4 Color Prostitute! 

So lets get started by answering some fears people might have about comics.

I wouldn’t know where to start.

 Tackling the big one here. If you walk into your local comic store (or well stocked chain book store) you will notice the huge amount of comics there. There’s your Batman comics, your Superman, even your Green Lantern…for starters. Here’s a pic of one wall from Von’s Comics back when I worked there.

ONE wall.  One.  Of Four potential walls and that’s not including the rows of back issues we had.

Comics are pretty daunting especially if you are a complete novice to them. Some of them have over 80 years of history to them, and their back stories have been rewritten, retconned, or left in editorial nightmares for many years. (Looking at you, Hawkman.) This doesn’t include guest appearances in other comics, big cosmic events they may have taken part of, and character deaths. Just FYI: Get used to characters coming back to life frequently in comics if they were at all popular.

So how do we overcome this? Two ways come to mind. First, you can just dive in feet first and take it as a newbie and get it over with. This way everything is still a mystery and brand new to you and if you really get stuck, you can buy more issues to catch up on the story. For those of you who have to have the answers and want some prior knowledge to the comics, you can turn to our old standby and best friend the Internet for answers!

Comic fans *love* Wikipedia. I’m not making a broad generalization here; each Wednesday the comic book related entries are in a state of flux as fans hurry to update their favorite heroes page with what happened next. If Green Lantern is revealed to have an unhealthy fixation on squirrels it’ll appear.

Sometimes the Lantern IS a squirrel! (See? Told you it would happen!)

In the end it’s going to be best to go with what you think you will like. If you have fond memories of the Hulk comics from your childhood I recommend starting there. If a friend recommends a comic to you feel free to take them up on it. You are bound to find some comics you don’t like (Mine is the Boys) but eventually you will find something you love. 

Superheroes are boring!

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Err, sorry about that. That wasn’t fair. I was only kidding baby!

Truth be told, superhero comics can get pretty boring. There are only so many times you can watch Superman beat up Lex Luthor before it becomes old hat. The problem with superheroes is the same thing that can occur in other genres where they literally start to lose focus and their stories get repetitive. But fortunately those who aren’t interested in superheroes still have options with comics.

Comics weren’t always about guys in leotards fighting villains with doomsday devices. Some of the first comics included horror comics featuring Frankenstein and Dracula. Gritty detectives would have shoot outs with crooks by the docks and in space monsters would devour spaceships whole while their crew struggled to escape.

Would it surprise you that comic books were once considered so violent and pornographic that Congressional hearings were held to determine their effect on our nation’s youth? Comic books were held back for decades when the Comic Authority code was passed and comics became very formulaic and cartoonish. That’s a rant for another day though.

Every genre is available for comics these days. 

Horror: Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Science Fiction: Dan Dare by Garth Ennis
Comedy: Invincible by Robert Kirkman. K, this is a superhero comic but the comedy is the real center of this comic.
Philosophy: Action Philosophers! by Fred Van Lente. Seriously, if you need to study  for a Philosophy 101 class check out Action Philosophers! It’s funny and educational!

And yoooooou thought I was kidding! Where’s my $5?

I only like (Insert Writer Here.)

Fair enough. I’ve heard this one several times before.

I know some people who follow certain people religiously. They follow their favorite writer on twitter, they’re a fan of their Facebook page, and they own just about everything they’ve published. I do the same thing. I like Neil Gaiman and I find what he does interesting. The problem comes when I hear people who absolutely refuse to hear or read anything else.

I used to have a customer at Von’s who came in each week asking for the latest thing by Warren Ellis. He’d stand there and trash other comics, frequently pointing out how gay superhero comics covers were. If Warren Ellis wrote an article claiming the sky was neon pink instead of blue the guy would challenge people to honor duels defending that fact.

When I would try to show him something else he’d flat our reject it in favor of what he knew. No other writer could hold up compared to his favorite so why would he try?

While there is such a thing as comfort, this can stifle comics in my opinion. Warren Ellis is a fantastic writer! I have a hard time thinking of anything bad about the guy. But when I hear someone flat out deny the rest of the medium in favor of just one writer it annoys me.

So lets assume that Joe Schmoe prefers to read comics just by Garth Ennis. Garth Ennis is a guy who makes very action oriented, gritty comics. His version of the Punisher executes bad guys in a very messy, graphic style and his comic the Boys focuses on how flawed superheroes are, often making caricatures of famous pop icons and giving them some dirty secret like pedophilia or sex addiction.

For Joe, I’d recommend he try out Mark Millar for a while or Mark Waid.   Mark Millar did the popular Kick-Ass series, which delivers on the graphic violence Garth Ennis is known for and tells it’s own version of comic superheroes administering street justice. Waid’s series Irredeemable features a world where their version of Superman goes completely nuts and we’re introduced to what made him fall.

So there you go, true believers!  I just hope that some of you took something from this thing today. If you need any recommendations feel free to ask, I’ve read so many comics that I know more than a few good ones.

Leave your comments in the comment section if you want to know more about comics!  I’m always willing to help.  Get yourself to your local comic shop post haste!

This next bit was taken from “WhyRPeopleSoStupid”, a member of Fark.com who created these.  I love Fark…it’s one of the best places to find out about the news.  People submit news headlines with funny titles and then let people chat about it in a reasonable and logical manner on their forums.

If you believed that last part, you’re probably going to believe these are true.  Behold….JESUS WITH DINOSAURS!

Don’t dinosaurs make everything better?

Take Transformers.  Transformers has giant robots that can turn into other machines.  If Optimus Prime has to race to the dam to fight Megatron, he turns into a kick ass semi truck and drives there.  If Starscream wants to unleash the fury on some unsuspecting oil refinery workers, he turns into an F-15 fighter.

Sadly, they missed a spot while assaulting the refinery and this monster would continue to derail Robot vs. Robot carnage with his “feelings” and “soul.”

As a kid I wanted to be Spike if only to rally the Autobots to my side to conquer the world.  True story.  But I’m moving off point here…

Dinosaurs make everything better!  Take the pope.  He’s pious, controls the world’s church, and has the obligation of being the Bishop of Rome in addition to wearing that big hat of his.  But if you combine him with reptillian DNA and you get…THE SPACE POPE!  He’s a pope who rules space.  Space!  That’s a whole lot of papal obligations to be responsible for!

If you didn’t get that last reference without a picture, you really need to watch more Futurama.  There’s no excuse for having not seen it, it’s been on TV for the last 10 years on 3 different networks and they show the same 75 episodes.

So with Transformers, the writers must have sat around their Tonka Tuff offices and thought how they could make a show here giant robots that turn into machines that sometimes combined to make other machines cooler!  (What a mouthful!)  I imagine the meeting went something like this…

Writer A:  Man, how are we going to top Giant Robot Car and Giant Robot Plane?
Writer B: Giant Robot Ape?
Writer A: *violently slaps B* That will never catch on…until the 90s…but regardless!
Writer C:  How about Giant Robot Insects?
Writer A: Did that, made them kinda weak with those voices of them.
Writer B:  how about Giant Robot Dinosaurs?
Writer A:  I know!  How about Giant Robot Dinosaurs?
Writer B: …you always steal my ideas!

True story, Writer B would grow up to be both weird and if reports are to be believed, he turned into Stewart Wilson.  He doesn’t read this blog, I’m in the clear!

So now we have Giant Robot Dinosaurs, or Dinobots since that’s cooler.  The Dinobots are huge, kick ass, and wield fire swords as they slaughter their enemies.  They are too cool for guns, instead shooting fire out of their mouths to wage war on the Decepticons.

If they had a flaw it would be that they aren’t the brightest bots in the box.  Grimlock is unable to use proper grammar when he speaks and is fond of petting Petro-Rabbits.  Swoop, for all his firepower as a JET POWERED PTERODACTYL, is repeatedly being bashed into the ground or knocked out by random punches.  Do they let this lack of intelligence hold them back?  Hell no!  Like America, they never admit that they’re wrong.  People who were sworded and set on fire probably deserved it in their opinion, and in Grimlock’s mind he is the real MFing Tyrannosaurus, sway backed and all!

He Grimlock, Bad Ass!

Things Improved By Dinosaurs:

Jurassic Park - Without dinosaurs, this movie is essentially “Samuel Jackson gets Eaten By a Shark” and we all know how that ended.
Conspiracy Theories - If a conspiracy theory doesn’t invoke either dinosaurs or the reptillians it’s probably boring to me.  I don’t want to hear how pharaohs were taught arcane pseudoscience by aliens unless those aliens were from the Draco constellation!
Godzilla - If Godzilla wasn’t a mutated dinosaur, he’d probably have to settle for being a giant bear and giant bears aren’t that funny.  Would a radioactive Teddy Ruckspin destroy Tokyo?  He would, but not in that slick of a style.
XKCD - If Randall from XKCD wasn’t afraid of velociraptors sneaking in and devouring his precious “math” and “brain”, would he be inspired to create his many funny strips?  www.xkcd.com

Street Sharks - They added dinosaurs who didn’t chew up the streets when they fought crime.  (God I’m old, when did this come out?)

In Other News,

The next post will be about Aliens in the Mass Effect Universe as well as a long overdue talk about people’s favorite aliens.  Stay tuned!  Or…clicked.  Stay clicked?

The next post is about what would be an appropriate response to staying on this blog!

Let me start off by saying that while I am mad about the circumstances of my 360 breaking down, the customer service at Microsoft was full of shit.

Lets start with their automated menu which kept trying to direct me to go online to make a repair ticket.  I can’t make a repair ticket because it kept saying my 360 was already registered but wouldn’t you know, the automated menu just keep treating me like I’m an idiot and saying “You should go online to our website and make your ticket there!”  When I finally managed to get a hold of someone (a feat made possible I believe by almost yelling at the menu), I got someone whose accent was so thick it really was hard to understand them at times.

I gave him my information and explained to him how I couldn’t create my own repair bill because it claimed my system was already registered.  The technician refused to help me at first, stating what I had just told him:  That my xbox was already registered.  I asked him who registered it but not only could he not give me that information but his computer went down, prompting this exchange.

“So you can’t tell me who registered my Xbox or when they did it, but you’re saying that you can’t register my system because your computer is down?”

“That is correct, sir.”

“How am I to get my 360 repaired?”

“You need the receipt and proof of ownership before I can process your repair.”

“….I received this 360 as a Christmas gift.  I don’t have the receipt and I’ve been the only owner of it for years.  No one has used my 360 or even borrowed it at all.  How can someone else have registered my 360?”

“Well we need proof of ownership such as the serial number.”

“…I just gave you the serial number!  That’s how you knew it was already registered in the system!”

“Oh….umm….can you give me the serial number again?”

“(number)”

“It still says it’s registered to someone else, sir.”

NO.  FUCKING.  WAY.

“This is intolerable, you’re saying I can’t fix my 360 at all?”

“Well you can make a request to change ownership of the 360 to yourself.”

“Why would I change it?  I own it!  Alright, fine.  Can we change ownership of the 360 to myself?”

“Sure…all you had to do was ask and I could have helped you do it.”

I bit back my anger because after being at the dentist all morning I really just wanted it fixed.  So I sat, and waited, and calmly recited my info to him and just when he is about to finish up…

“Uh oh, my computer is down again so I’ll have to put you on hold, and when you come back I’ll need you to recite your information for me again.”

It’s then that I pondered whether I have offended God at some point, and I kick myself for having to babysit yesterday and not being able to go to Ash Wednesday.  I’m still doing Lent however, but I just forgot to attend services.  Then I remember that God is probably off fighting Space Godzilla with Mothra somewhere, and if anything we’re buds so I doubt he’d do this to me.  I briefly consider sacrificing Aaron Dembski Bowden to the Devil instead, but then I remembered that even the Devil has standards and won’t put up with his tomfoolery.
(BTW, he’s got books out.  Hop on over to Black Library and check them out!  I believe Soul Hunter is out now, or is it Helsreach?)

When he comes back and I recite my information TWICE (cause wouldn’t you know, his computer crashed again while we were talking) we are about to check out.

“Please note that with service fees are $122.99, with a warranty extension fee of 29.99″

“Wait a minute, why did you advertise that it’s just $99.99 on your site?”

“It’s $99.99 for a console that’s 3 years old.”

“My console is 3 years old.”

“No, yours is MORE than 3 years old.”

“No, it’s 3 years and two months old.”

“Yes.”

“I’m lost.  My console is 3 years old!”

“No, you said it was 3 years and 2 weeks.”

“Wait, explain this:  How can it be free if it’s less than 3 years old,$99.99 for a console that’s 3 years old exactly, but 122.99 if it’s after 3 years?”

They then tripped over themselves verbally for a minute before they responded back to me.

“I’m sorry, I meant to say “With tax and service fees, it’s $122.99.”

“Regardless?  It’s just $122.99?”

“Well it could have been $199.99 if it was older than 3 years.”

“That makes little to no sense to me.”

“That’s our rules, sir.”

He didn’t get the joke he just made but at that point I just started laughing hard.  I can definitely see how their business operates under the guise of “Our rules make little to no sense.”

I chose in the end to get it repaired because buying a new 360 is out of my means at the moment and I don’t want to invest $250 dollars in a system that I may trade in 2012 when new systems come out. (They’re almost due when you think about it.)

Finally, when my nightmare is over and I can stop wracking up half an hour in lost minutes on my cell phone, the unspeakable happens.

“I can’t give you a repair number, sir.  My computer is saying your 360 is already registered.”

….

Dear Microsoft,

Let me be clear, I’m a fan.  I still have my original Xbox and I remember selling my PS2 to get the Xbox.  There were a bunch of games that I couldn’t switch over to the Xbox, like Amplitude or Kessen, and I was sad that I couldn’t play them anymore.  Still, I have stuck with you even though the Playstation 3 is out and has Blue Ray capacitiy and some really nifty games for it.  I like the 360 more than the Wii even though the Wii has better party games.  I want to love the 360 and can spend many nights shooting space mutants or raiding apocalyptic wastelands with it.

But lately it feels like you don’t like me.  You built your consoles from cheap parts with a bunch of unofficial rules attached to it.  Don’t prop up your 360 on it’s side or you risk burning the disc.  Don’t move the 360 when in use or you burn the disc.  Either pay $60 for our rechargeable batteries or gobble up disposable ones for the controller.  Your peripherals aren’t cheap, and lately some of the games you’ve been releasing are just poorly thought out.

Where is the love, Microsoft?  Am I just a quick lay to you, where you offer something shiny and awesome looking (Bioshock 2) but after taking my money you’d rather not look me in the eyes afterwards?  I remember when I was excited about the cool shit you had coming out for the Xbox and Xbox 360.  Now after having my console flat out die on me and putting me through a 3 ring circus with your poorly trained customer support I have to say I can get my kicks elsewhere.  I understand these things happen and some consoles just die from hardware failure.  What kills me is that when you know I’d be upset and I want to get things fixed ASAP you send me to a third party company who clearly aren’t being supported enough if their own computers die every 10 minutes.  Aren’t you supposed to be experts with computers?

I can go elsewhere, you know.  I can read books, I can go for hikes, or I could stick with the misanthropic sort of thing and stay in doors taping funny slogans to my cat for entertainment.  It’s not ideal but IT COULD HAPPEN.  Of course I”m kidding, since not only do I read (and write!) books, hike around the Wabash, or tape funny slogans to my cat (she has it coming) but I have other systems I can enjoy.  I’ve got the Nintendo Wii and I’ve been aching to break out my N64 and play me some Rogue Squadron.

Maybe I could even try my PC and maybe they’ll treat me better!  After all, with my PC I can…oh shit, you got me there too.  Crafty buggers, aren’t you?

With much rage and contempt,

John the Great.

P.S.  When I used to play with my Wii I’d think about you, but lately I play with my Wii and I think about the Playstation 3.