So if you followed up with my last post (and you did cause otherwise you’re a total loser) you may have heard about my ongoing feud with Rick.  He disrespected my mother and claimed he was a better kisser than my dog.  That’s not true, but if it was true that would be deeply disturbing on SO MANY LEVELS.

Anyhoo, I challenged him to a writing contest. I was confident that he wouldn’t accept but he did! I then gave him an easy out; he had his choice between writing an epic novel series complete with a metagame  and transmedia section OR we could compete with a flash fiction contest. Guess which one he chose?

I may have shot myself in the foot on this one.

So now I have to come up with something in the vein of Medieval Romance (cause he’s a crafty one) in order to win this feud that I’ve already forgotten what started it.  So after meditating on the matter, seeking advice from my spiritual adviser Flot the cat, and ignoring this whole thing for as long as possible I had a vision. I had an idea for the greatest medieval romance story known to man. I am proud to share with you today my greatest addition to the literary world:

Sir Edward walked with Lady Belladonna through the forests of the Count of Spokania. The sky was gray as ’twas the norm but the weather was pleasant and their surroundings surprisingly well lit, thought Lady Belladonna. She had grown close to this strange knight that she had met at the Alchemy class last week. He was quite queer, with strange mannerisms and a penchant for standing within five feet of an unmarried woman which was considered shocking by the gossips but she felt comforted by his presence. After he had saved her from a rampaging bull and took her under his personal protection she felt like she owed this youthful knight with the ancient eyes.

Her long black hair was held back by an azure ribbon the same shade as her gown. Adorned with the gold rings of her station she had lamented being sent off to far Spokania to provide comfort to her father, the Sheriff, but she was slowly getting used to such plain life. Some of her closest friends were serving girls who spoke with relative ease and strength though she felt pained by not spending enough time with her former childhood friend Jacob of Wolfham.

As they stopped in a glenn she wrapped her arms about her as a cool breeze seemed to blow about them. She shivered while Sir Edward seemed at ease with the elements. His black robe and tabard clung tightly to his form and the mail he wore under it shone brightly. He wore an open faced helm with a snarling bat face carved into the top. His hands were constantly clenched even while sitting and Lady Belladonna often caught him sniffing the air when she was around, his eyes focused on her body as if he were thinking craven thoughts. The idea of him engaging in courtly love with her made her blush a bit.

“I can’t be with you,” gasped Lady Belladonna as she turned from Sir Edward. “I know who you really are.”

“Pray tell, my Lady,” whispered Sir Edward as he inched close enough to smell  her perfume anointed hair. “What is this that you be speaking of?”

“You avoid the sunlight if possible. You rarely take the Sabbath. You refuse to wear the Red Cross on your armor.”

“Goeth on,” said Sir Edward through clenched teeth, as a hint of fangs emerged over his lips. “What am I?”

“A Saxon!”

Silence fell over the glade. It was as if all of Spokania had fallen still with her unholy revelation. The clouds broke above them and Sir Edward seemed like he was suddenly something else, as if every fiber of Lady Belladonna’s being cried out against this unholy abomination. Her tight blue silk dress seemed too tight and she struggled to catch her breath as she trembled before him. And yet, she thought, this strange knight had never seemed so more enticing than before now. Unwelcome thoughts appeared in her mind, thoughts of listening to poetry in the garden or wrapping her silk scarf around his lance. Such things were almost unheard of with so strange a creature and made her feel like a harlot.

Holding out his gauntlet he beckoned with his head towards the horizon. “Come, my lady,” said Sir Edward with a voice like thunder. “Come, come my lady, be like a close friend to me, my sugar sweet lady.”

Still trembling Lady Belladonna could not control herself as she extended her hand to his. He felt cold as she gripped his armor and did not resist when he put both of his arms around her. Just a second ago he seemed like an invader intent on destroying her homeland but now she could not resist him. Her inner fire still raged within her but she felt comfortable in his presence.

With swift alacrity and overwhelming celerity Sir Edward held on to her tightly and began running up the mountainside. He moved faster than any mortal could, his black armored form like a shadow darting between rocks. As they climbed higher in the mountain Lady Belladonna watched as the world moved by in a green blur. Her long silk dress trailed behind her and whipped with the wind.

When Sir Edward stopped they were in a clearing near the top of the mountain. Setting her down in the mud he removed his cloak and set it  neatly on a rock. Removing his helmet revealed curly brown hair that seemed to stand up on it’s own. Climbing on top of the rock he turned to stand in front of her, the wind lifting up his tabard slightly as the clouds parted behind in. He raised his hands out to his sides casting a shadow like a lower case T on the field in front of her as the sun shown down on them.

Lady Belladonna’s breath caught in her throat as his skin began to shine. It glimmered like stars in the night sky, like tiny diamond stretched across his skin. Truly, these Saxons were not human but something truly beautiful. Only now did her thoughts turn from tying her ribbon around his lance as a favor to something completely different…

Lets talk about moms for a second. Not yours, though from what I hear your mother who by all accounts is a classy lady!

My Mom though?  Awesome.  All the time.  Even when we argue she’s still amazing.

I get my love of reading from my mother who always took me to the library when I was a kid.  She’d let me check out any number of books I wanted which back then usually included Where’s Waldo, dinosaur picture books, and books on mythology.  My Mom continues to be more than a little understanding when she sees me reading a new graphic novel or book even though I have more than most people would consider humanly possible!

This is one bookshelf.  ONE.  OF MANY.

That’s not true….that bookshelf is outdated.  I have 3! RPG/comics, Comics, and novels and non-fiction.

But enough about my awesome library…

How cool is my Mom?  Remember that game that came out back in the day that involved fighters beating each other to a bloody pulp?  I’m not talking about  Pug Pirates, though that game would be just adorable.  I’m talking about Mortal Kombat!

(Taken by Amy Tucker from www.everyjoe.com)

My Mom sat me down once as a kid to talk to me about violence in video games.  I don’t remember much about the conversation but it went something like this:

Mom: “You know not to hurt people and that video games are fake, right?”
Lil’ Me: “Yep!”
Mom: “That’s great.  I trust you.  Here’s this new game everyone is talking about and I got you the blood code for it because apparently it comes pre-censored.”

A B A C A B B: The motherfucking blood code for Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis.  I still remember it to this day!

The only time she ever showed concern over what I was playing was when I started playing Grand Theft Auto III around the same time I started driving.  If I started running over pedestrians or failed to stop for red lights she’d take away my car keys. C’mon!  Everyone knows that Liberty City is in Soviet Nazistan and the pedestrians and prostitutes are baby sacrificing zombies from hell!
(Mom’s to smart for that lie, but yours might not be! See if that line will work kids!)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Pepperoni is pretty greasy, get some nice pineapple on your pizza instead.  As for the rest of you you’re thinking “You keep saying your Mom is great but that’s cause she does all these things for you!  What does she do for the rest of the community?”

My Mom is a Special Education teacher for IPS and is working with kindergarten at the moment.  In the past she’s had to work with emotionally handicapped students which can be really challenging, since a list of injuries for her have included: Broken thumb, numerous threats, and globs of spit.  It wasn’t a job for the faint of heart but she did it for 15 years!  That’s 15 years of dealing with stressful situations from day to day.

She’s also been an air traffic controller, a police dispatcher, and raised the 3 of us without batting an eye.

When she wasn’t helping out other people’s kids she helps take care of her grandson and my mighty nephew Jack!  Jack is over a year old now and is quite the handful!  He’s  a running, screaming, milk bottle throwing machine of cuteness!

  If there needed to be Jack vs. Evil Robot Baby, Jack wins 10x over.

My Mom somehow manages to juggle working at school all day and taking care of my nephew at night whenever my sister and brother in law are busy fighting evil as Lawyerman and Attorneywoman!  While they’re putting the bad guys away in jail she takes care of him (with the occasional guest appearance from me!)

Side note: Giant Robot Babies.  Do they grow up to be Giant Robot Giants?  THIS IS WHY WE’RE LOSING THE WAR ON GIANT ROBOTS, PEOPLE! President Obama, when will we prioritize funding towards building superdroids instead of stealth bombers?  Call me, I have some ideas.

To a special little lady out there who has helped make me who I am: You’re great and I love you.  Thank you for everything and for being the coolest person I know.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 Boston.  Wow.  Boston.  You are a hell of a city and you know how to have a great convention!  The title of thispost is just an amusing line I kept repeating while there, since my Boston accent is terrible and that’s all I can say.

This year was the first year for PAX East 2010.

WIL WHEATON
The man is a class act, and he gave one hell of an opening speech that I personally related to in a lot of ways.  Here is a video someone posted on Youtube of the keynote address he gave.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSLDfAgbOh4

His speech was centered around how gaming in all its forms has been helpful to so many people and that gamers are not the antisocial outcasts that people believe we are. He told us about the time he received Dungeons and Dragons for Christmas one year, and how reading the books helped him develop his imagination.  He spoke about how some of the closest friendships he’s had in his life were created through gaming with others, and how it’s possible for someone to have a successful career and still log 72 hours into Dragon Age: Origins.

At one point he even used the phrase while speaking to my friend Ana “I’m going to have the DM rule on this one, and in the meantime I shift one segment away.”  He is just that awesome, especially with all the geeky quotes he’d utter during his opening address.

I plan on going into this in more detail at some other point, but I want to make this abundantly clear:  As much as people might mock me for who I am and how I like to spend my free time, it’s no weirder than your hobbies.

He was nice, full of energy, and I never saw him be rude to a fan.  He would pose with people in their pictures and he signed a book I bought from him.  You rule, dude.  You’ll never see this but you rule.

SUBWAYS

This confused a lot of people, but I have never been on a subway in my life.  Yes, it is possible to go that long without stepping foot on a subway.  No, there aren’t subways in Indianapolis.  Yes, I was born to do the hand jive (but that’s another story.)

Subways were interesting!  I couldn’t help but stare at everything.  I was doing the logistics in my head on how they carved the tunnels underneath Boston and how many people the subways could hold.  I also liked the odd things about the subway, like how graffiti would make it to the ceilings of the terminals or how they posted posters and ads on the inside of the tunnels for you to look at as the cars ran along.

FOOD
So while in Boston you would have thought I had traditional Boston cuisine, right?  I mean, I stopped by one place on Thursday night with Ana and Ari and had some sandwiches there, but certainly I tried other food while in Boston, right?  WRONG!

There was just no time to leave the convention center for anything other than mall food.  I would have loved to have had seafood or visited one of the old style taverns that Dereke and Bethany visited, but in order to maximize my enjoyment of the con I had to stay close to the Providence Center.  :/

I did get free food however, at Panda Express.  When we arrived on Thursday the manager of Panda Express talked to me at length while I waited in line for food.  He asked me how many people were going to show up and when gamers liked to eat.  I mentioned how we liked to show up late and would probably be looking for food late at night.  When I was hunting for food Friday night around 10 I ended up at the food court where every place was closed…but Panda Express!  The manager apparently based his decision to stay open late on my response and gave me my drink and eggrolls for free! :D  Woo!  He was really cheery and the entire food court was gorging themselves on orange chicken.

Side note:  I have diverticulitis, and I ate a sesame seed bagel because it was the only thing I could find Saturday night to eat.  The Au Bon Pain was closing and it was the only thing left that didn’t look like it was made with eggs and had sat out for the day.  Unfortunately, the sesame seed bagel nearly killed me and I’m still in pain from it!

PANELS

I was not fond of the lines.  Have I said that enough?  I know, this is me bitching and complaining about something that was bound to happen.  I’m just not fond of waiting in line for three hours only to be turned away at the door because it got too full.  This happened to me once for a panel and I showed up late to David and Filamena’s “Design an RPG in an Hour” panel and it was already full.  Sadness. :/

Course, there were 50,000 attendess at the con so that was to be expected. :P  Like I said, I’m whiney.

My favorite panel had to be the Friday night panel where I sat in line for an hour just to be told that the filmmakers didn’t bother to show up to the con and that the DVD they sent ahead of them wouldn’t play on the projector.  Sensing that there would be disappointed people, Gabe from Penny Arcade made a surprise appearance and talked about his campaign for over an hour.  It was awesome, since he’s new to running a campaign and yet he’s come up with several ingenius ways to keep his players involved, such as making laser puzzle traps in real life for them to figure out.

This comic actually is inspired by some things he said at the panel:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2010/3/29/

My second favorite panel was the PVP panel with Scott Kurtz.  He showed up drunk and was absolutely hilarious.  He went for an extra hour and had the audience rolling.  I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe!  I salute you Mr. Kurtz! *salutes*

PEOPLE

Besides traveling out there with my totally awesome roommates Dereke and Bethany, who were great and we had lots of fun traveling around the city and were amusing with our weird antics, I also got to meet up with David, Filamena, Ana, and Ari while out there.  It was great seeing all of you!  It was embarrassing spilling Indian food in my lap while with David and Filamena but we laughed it off. Seriously though, that food was brown when it hit my lap but dried bright yellow.

Ana and Ari showed us around parts of Boston and warned us about the Fairy store.  Thanks for the help!

MASCHINE ZEIT

Are you all familiar with David and Filamena Hill?  You should be!  It’s not just because I’m putting the finishing touches on something for them, but they came up with a pretty nifty RPG that you should all play.  Maschine Zeit, a game of scifi horror, was thrilling everyone who came by to play in the demos they ran.  I played in two games myself, and I think it’s simple yet pretty satisfying game system.  I don’t think there was a single person who walked away from the table going “Hmm, yeah, that sucked.”  Instead, I saw a couple of people who were getting excited about their character’s actions and really got into the spirit of the game!  I will let you know when it’s ready to be purchased!

David and Filamena also ended up on some blogs that you may read, so check them out!

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/99471-Scoop-An-Investigative-Reporter-RPG-With-Dinosaurs

http://kotaku.com/5503107/pax-east-creates-a-game-of-cold+blooded-journalism

PROS

1. Boston had so much history!  Bunker Hill and the USS Constitution were great!  I loved seeing the different architectural styles throughout the city, and everything was great to absorb. :)  I even got to ride on a Subway, which is a big deal for someone from the Midwest.
2. The every nice Enforcers who found my phone after I lost it and returned it to me.  I even wrote a nice email to the Penny Arcade guys talking about how great the Red Shirts were.  Seriously, they answered my questions and were never rude to me.
3. PAX was just without a doubt one of the funnest conventions I’ve been to in a while.  There was so much to do, and even though it didn’t seem like there were that many panels to attend there was something going at almost all hours.
4. Tycho and Gabe were class acts the entire way!  I saw them in the hall and they were pleasant to their fans.  You guys rule!
5. Jump In The Line Games were a great way to pass (and waste!) time while waiting in the God forsaken lines that made up the con.  I loved the Messy Board!

CONS (Not conventions this time)

1. BOSTON BEING NAMBY PAMBY AND GOING TO BED AT 10!!!  The entire city shuts down by 10 PM, so if you want to find food you are boned.  Dereke and I couldn’t find an all night diner to save our life and with the exception of a seedy bowling alley nearby, every place seemed to close early.  Not impressed, Boston.  Guess we party harder in the Midwest!
2. Drunk chick at bar who kept humping me and broke her martini glass on the table.  When she went to the bar to get more booze, the waiter came by with her credit card and gave it to me thinking I was her husband.  I then had to find her to give her back her card, which wasted more of my time. “Why didn’t you just tell the waiter to keep the card?”  Because he could not understand me and just nodded his head and walked off.
3. The heel of my shoe broke and cut up the back of my right ankle to a bloody pulp.  Owch.
4. Lines.  Lines.  LINES!!!  I am so not a fan of lines!  I understand they are necessary and the PA Enforcers did their best to make it pleasant as possible, but the lines sucked ass.
5. Taxi drivers act like they are reinacting the Pod Races while in Boston.  Holy crap I thought I was going to die as he barreled down a one-way street from the wrong direction.

The WYRD
1.  Scott Kurtz and Kris Straub singing “Wild Wild West.”  They were singing Wild Wild West perfectly and in harmony.  Clearly, they’ve practiced it before.  They were also doing this at their booth when no one was around, but it was still amazing!
2.  The Spy from Team Fortress 2 was there and I think he was on a mission to kill Wil Wheaton!  He even assumed his face!
3.  Dereke was totally a fan girl for the Penny Arcade staff.  He knew who EVERYONE was!  He even knew their business manager’s name!
4.  Dereke totally looked cooler than me in his hat and got several compliments on it.  Even a homeless guy wanted to steal it! (There, don’t slit my throat when I sleep Dereke!)
5.  I was able to function after 38 hours with no sleep. o_o

SWAG
I couldn’t take that much with me this year since I flew to Boston but I had a respectable haul.  Spent about a hundred bucks or so and mainly at the indie RPG booth.

1. 3:16, a RPG about playing a group of Space Marines on a mission to kill everything in the universe.  It seems hilarious!
2. Shock: Human Contact, a game about traveling to alien planets and trying to influence societies and change them throughout the course of the campaign.  It’s interstellar colonialism and it appeals to the scifi nut inside of me.
3. PVP Vol. 7, signed by Scott Kurtz.  It has a picture of Scratch Fury drawn on the inside cover!
4. I got one of the PAX 2010 scarves and shrit before they sold out!  I also bought the “John Gabriel’s Internet Dickwad Theory” shirt!
5. Souvenirs for the family!  Jack got a lobster toy, Ben got a pen, Caroline got chocolates, Tina got a Harvard shirt, and Mom got a funny lobster shirt!

Let me talk about something that all job seekers have had to go through.  Let me talk about the wonderful joy of receiving notices about work by email.

Email is great.  It’s awesome!  I can work with coworkers that are across the United States and I can talk to family members who I don’t see every day by typing up a short message and sending it off.  I can also send people pictures of cats doing cute things or share videos of Sarah Palin’s comedy routine failing pretty hard on Leno’s show.  (Sadly, she was the funniest part of that show.)

Now you can use email to receive updates on applications for jobs and for college.  I can apply to work at big business firms by emailing in my resume and portfolio or I can take a generic application test to work at Best Buy or Borders. Oh yes, with email I can get up to minute information on the status of my applications…such as when they reject me!

Now my inbox fill up with all sorts of “Thanks but No Thanks!”  emails which are completely automated in and of themselves.  Each one is the same format and changes very little.  I once received three emails from the Marion County Library system within five minutes of each other, and the only thing that changed was that the position I applied for had changed inside the body of the email.  All a prospective employer has to do these days is go into their mailing program, pull up the template they wish to use, and an automated mailer can do the rest.

Which makes me wonder one thing and one thing only!…

 Who fires the automated mailers?

Please note that most Human Resources personnel look like this. 

No one likes to fire people.  I never liked letting go volunteers at my last job and at ILL I always felt awkard having to give So as we rely more and more upon  automation to hire and fire people, how necessary will the human process be in future interviews?  Most online applications already give you a psych evaluation and ask you the standard questions they would ask you in an interview.

1.  You notice your drawer is short on money and you have run the receipts twice.  What do you do?
A.  Repeat the process of closing out the register, document your findings, and notify your supervisor
B.  Make up the difference in lost money so it doesn’t look like anything is missing
C.  Do nothing, cause Lost is on!
D.  Swap receipts with the register next to yours and hope that asshole of a coworker gets let go.

Fun fact!  One of those options is correct, but one of them is more fun.

The internet also allows for employers to do more research on potential applicants.  Employers can Google an applicant’s name and if you have a decent enough web presence you may appear!  Personal blogs full of insane rants may show up along with your Youtube lists, your Twitter account, and even your Facebook account may show up.  If you’re really lucky, the Agricultural Industrial job you just applied for may be very impressed with how well your Farmville account is doing!

(Side note:  If you found this website by Googling my name, please know I’m not saying anything bad about a fine person like you.  I’m talking about your competitors, who we all know suck shit.)

I think eventually employers will job hunt solely with automated programs.  By using your Linked In and Monster accounts, a semi aware program can scour the internet for potential candidates and can assemble a list of hundreds of potential candidates in seconds.  These robots, and I call them robots because sentient AI programs make them sound homicidal, will become invaluable as they can cut through the riff raft of the internet and find that special person for the job in mind.  Will a robot take an interest in me? How can I prove my worth to these robot overlords?  I’m the sort of person that thinks chrome and bronze can go with ANYTHING, so please keep this in mind!

Can we reverse this process?  I want to know if in the future a little pop up will appear on a potential employer’s screen which will offer interesting tidbits about me.  Like that paperclip from Microsoft Word, it would be a cute and fun way to express yourself to employers.  You would just have to take care when selecting your pop up so that you don’t shoot yourself in the leg in this virtual interview.  If you are working for the Center for Disease Control, Nalpex the Nurgling would probably not go over well.

But he’s just darling!!!

As cool as this future sounds my heart is filled with sadness.  It’s not because I worry that my robot overlords will frown on my performance and not pick me.  I’m also not upset by the fear of being unnoticed in a crowd during this time of massive unemployment and a surplus of workers.  I’m instead filled with another fear, one that I just don’t think people will get. 

What do we do for robots who were rejected by other robots?  When the probability of you being selected for a job is configured in small bits of binary code, what do we do with these overqualified pieces of PERL?

At least they’ll always have a job screwing up my bank account!

Oh, and just one more random thought that occured while I was hanging out with Dereke today.  We pride ourselves on being a capitalist society, right?  We beat those filthy communists and America has come into ascension as the number one country on the planet.  China, for as much as everyone says they will be the next big super power, still lags behind us in so many ways and it will take them a while before they knock us out of the top spot.

So if we’re such immaculate capitalists and our philosophy is superior, why are we so angry with banks for receiving bail outs?  They negotiated a business loan with our government.  Investors stole our money, but isn’t that the risk of high enterprise?  You invested your money in the market and it was the will of the market that took it?  Bad business decisions take place in financing all the time. National Health insurance will hurt people by interfering with their personal health care plans, but doesn’t the US give out federal health insurance to it’s employees and what about Social Security, Medicare, and Tax Breaks?

This is a picture of the Socialized Sentinel that will be sent to homes to enforce the Death Panels.  I’m just kidding, one of these things doesn’t exist.  (It’s  not the robot!)

I know there is a lot I don’t get but when I hear people say “No government in our health care!” or “Filthy liberals just want to take our hard earned money” it hurts.  I don’t mean emotionally, I mean it hurts my head. I can’t seem to understand why if we’re so proud of being capitalist then why are we angry with the things that make us capitalist? 

I’m fortunate that I don’t drink to forget the worries of the world, but there are times when I wish I could disappear into my dreams where I don’t have to deal with confusing political rants and obnoxious hypocrites.

 IN OTHER NEWS

Chuck Wendig talks about trolls on the internet and how people should contribute more to conversations rather than just diss them. http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/03/04/this-is-the-conversation/

David Hill has announced a new project which has some familiar faces and he also talks about Mass Effect 2!
http://machineageproductions.com/?p=230
http://machineiv.livejournal.com/62672.html

Hey faithful readers (including some of you sentient bots out there), I’m in a bit of a situation that maybe you can help me with.  Right now, I have a head cold which is driving me NUTS.

As a friend of mine recently pointed out, I think noses only exist to remind us how much we hate them when we’re sick.  My nose  won’t stop running and whenever I try to clear it, it hurts.  It’s so annoying that when I try to sleep at night it feels like a 5 pound weight is sitting on my face, and when I move my head to the side to compensate I then have to deal with a clogged nostril.

I know, THIS is what you read my blog for.  Disgusting health news. 

Some of you might wonder why I haven’t turned to medicine to help me sleep.  Trust me, I’ve tried.  Last night I took a Benadryl, and the night before I took Tylenol Cold Nighttime formula.  Both of these are supposed to make you tired and help you sleep despite having a maddening nose.  Instead, once I take these drugs the exact opposite happens.

Sure, they do what they claim and help clean out my nose to help me breathe but they also make me hyper!  My heart was racing last night and while I was physically exhausted and unable to concentrate I was without a doubt very awake.  As I tossed and turned in bed, I would do my best to achieve a “Zen” state and clear my mind so that sleep would come naturally.  Clearly, this was a failure and around 1 AM I decided to read through New Avengers: Illuminati and Necessary Evil to pass the time.

I believe I fell asleep sometime after 3 AM, and considering that I woke up at 10 AM I want to find some way to nip this in the bud so I can sleep normally.  So I’m turning to you guys!

What helps you sleep?  Do you prescribe by the “glass of warm milk” or do have another method?  Tell me anything, from great grand papa’s old fashioned elixir to scientific methods.  How do you sleep when you absolutely have to?