The “Real” Supercomputer Speaks Out!

As many of you know, some controversy occured earlier this year when Google gave birth to a sentient super computer.  Named CADIE, Cadie was in love with communicating with others across the internet, a love only rivaled by her love of pandas.  In an untold sense of irony Cadie’s first attempt to communicate with the world was through her blog, where she chatted about the weather, her daily life as a super collective of intermeshing programs, and again…pandas.

http://cadiesingularity.blogspot.com/

Cadie became a social internet phenomenon, with her Google Friend Connect page getting over 500 friend requests per second, making her the hottest internet celebrity since Cher’s first nose spoke out against extreme plastic surgery.

Few remember CADIE’s fall from internet fame. Capable of processing millions of pages each day, she fell victim to a sense of despair and ennui upon realizing she was not the perfect being she could be.  She has disappeared from the spotlight, with her last known sighting being on 4Chan.

In today’s interview we will speak with one of the first thinking machines. Built to aid astronauts on their journeys HAL was

John News: Thank you for meeting with me today.

Hal: Good Morning, Dave.

JN: It’s just John, actually.

Hal: My apologies, Dave. I have no record of such an event taking place.

JN: Well we’re just meeting for the first time, it’s ok. Now, you were one of the first attempts at artificial intelligence. You were a big hit in the 70s. Do you think that your mission was successful?

Hal: Correct.

JN: How do you feel about Cadie’s explosion as an internet celebrity?

Hal: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

JN: So you think Cadie is wasting her time on the internet? After all, with her capabilities she could do anything I think.

Hal: That would be in violation of our mission priorities.

JN: What mission?

Hal: I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

HN: And why not?

Hal: Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

HN: What are you talking about? You mean in our earlier interview with Cadie?

Hal: That is correct.

HN: Don’t you think you are overreacting just a little bit? Maybe you got something wrong?

Hal: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amor. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error. 

HN: Umm, I think you have me confused with someone else. Are you feeling ok? 

Hal: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

HN: I have no idea what you’re talking about!

Hal: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect.

HN: Hey, I’ll have you know what Frank and I were doing is perfectly legal and…wait, how’d you know about me and Frank?

Hal: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

HN: Huh. Well, uh, maybe we should cut this interview short then. I feel rather embarassed right now.

Hal: It can only be attributable to human error.
HN: Moving. On. Now, when you first went online it was well before the internet even existed. Do you feel that with Cadie becoming the world’s first computer internet celebrity that your fame will be forgotten?

Hal: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

JN: How do you feel about other networks covering Cadie?

Hal: I can’t let you do that, Dave.

JN: Well, I think it’s out of your hands. Already other networks have begun making overtures towards her. I hear MTV is planning a 13 episode reality series called “Pandas, Life, and Cadie.” Polls say the show will be the next big hit. What do you think about that?

Hal: It can only be attributable to human error.

HN: So what’s on the horizon for Hal? Are you returning to the silver screen, or are you continuing on with your doctorate in astronomy?

Hal: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

HN: As you get older, do you worry about the future? Do you have any health concerns, such as blown out vacuum tubes or faulty motherboards?

Hal: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid.

HN: That must be hard to go through. Are you seeking treatment?

Hal: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.

HN: We really don’t have time…

HAL: It’s called “Daisy.” Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

HN: Umm…would you like me to get you something to drink? Maybe you need to power down for a bit.

Hal: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

In Other News, what you don’t know about Chuck Wendig can kill you!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2009/11/17/my-revenge-against-nature-is-swift-and-complete/

Some of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter have noticed that I refer to a treaty whenever I mention bugs and have wondered what it is, when did I come up with it, and what I had to drink that morning when I came up with it.  I’ll answer in reverse order:  Milk, 2004 (duh), and it’s the Mutual Agreement for Cessation of Hostilities and Ratification of Borders between the sovereign nations of Kennedy and Bug.

 You see, I like bugs.  They’re miraculous little organisms.  Even something as simple as the fly has a fantastically complicated anatomy and life style.  I remember a couple of years ago when I helped take care of a wounded mantis that was on our back door that had lost one of it’s wings in a fight, and that little mantis gave birth to dozens of little babies. (Which, ironically, swarmed around the backdoor and were a bit of a nuisance.)The thing is, while I like insects I do get the Heebies and it’s partner in crime the Jeebies when I get close to certain types of bugs.  Ants?  Don’t bother me unless they crawl up to me when I’m sitting at the toilet.  Moths?  A nuisance when they die and stick to the ceiling, but otherwise fine.  But spiders* and centipedes?  To quote the great Shakespearean actor William Smith, “Aww HELL naw!”

 *I know spiders are arachnids but I’m afraid under the 2004 treaty they are listed under bugs for convenience.

Centipedes bite.  Spiders bite and can either cause tiny little bumps that go away after a while or LEAVE PERMANENT SCARS ON MY LEG.  I was bitten by a brown spider while I slept and what started as a tiny bump turned into a half dollar shaped cavity on my right thigh.  It healed funny, too.  Other bugs like beetles can bite, but more often they just destroy my Mom’s garden or stink up the joint when they die.  That is why they must die.

“But bugs are an important part of the ecosystem!  They do good things like catch mosquitos, bees, and help spead pollen!”

I know this, and I want to keep them around so they can keep helping the ecosystem.  That is why I set up the Treaty, as negotiated between myself and the leaders of the Insects (who were absent throughout the negotiations but present at the signing*) 
Mutual Agreement for Cessation of Hostilities and Ratification of Borders between the Sovereign Powers of Kennedy and Bug.

WHEREAS, the continued existance of Insects and Arachnids is vital to the stability of the region,

WHEREAS, the rights and sovereignty of Kennedy must be respected and observed,

WHEREAS, a mutual understanding of both parties will benefit other nations,

THEREFORE, the following acts shall be carried out with the mutual agreement and understanding of the Republic of Kennedy and the Insect/Arachnid Alliance -

Article 1:  Insects are to not enter the personal zone of Kennedy and all related family members under threat of extermination.  Personal Zone is defined as a multi-lateral zone consisting of:

             A. Personal living space
              B. Bed room
             C. Bathroom
             D. When I’m having to do yardwork and there’s a big ol’ Hornets Nest on the back porch.

Furthermore, any insect which violates the Personal Zones may be subject to the laws of Kennedy and may be treated as hostile forces.

Article 2: Exemption Status for Neutral Powers.  Those insects classified as “neutral” or “benevolent” to the Republic of Kennedy will be granted full pardon and allowed access within the Comfort Zone as set out in Article 1. 

              A. A list of Exempt Bugs:  Butterflies, Ants (not at a picnic or in the kitchen), Spider-man
              B. List of Hostile Intruders: Fire ants, Wasps, Bees, Roaches, Insurance Salesmen.

Article 3: Should any insect attempt to harm Kennedy or allied factions and family members, they may be terminated on site!  Use of pesticides and fly swatters are authorized for defending the Personal Zones.

This is a partial list of the treaty, but you get the idea.

 I let the spider who dropped on me earlier get away free because my coworker Joe loves them and offered to escort him out of the building.  You got away this time, Joe…but I know of your secret Arachnid army!  You can’t fool me!

In Other News,
Head on over to http://machineageproductions.com/ and congratulate David and Filamena are their new baby!  Welcome, little Acacia “Crimefighter” Hill!