Why I like Robots by Me

Dear Internets,
I like robots.  They are so super cool and amazing!   Please send me a pet robot for Christmas so that we can play games together and I can set him on my sisters and the bullies at school.  Alternatively, turn me into a robot but only on the condition I can transform back when it’s most convenient.  A robot that can transform into a space fighter plane is cool, or a big ferocious dragon. If it’s not too much to ask, a big ferocious space fighter dragon plane is best.

Sincerely,

JDK

So you have heard me rant and rave over the years about many different things.  I like werewolves, and I have a ginormous geek craze about the Green Lantern Corp.  I watched TMNT growing up and Basil Rathbone is my favorite actor to play Sherlock Holmes, but one thing that I’ve always loved and subsequently have always gone out of my way to see in movies are our metal laced friends, the robot.

I doubt I need to explain what a robot is since they’ve been in literature since the late 1800s.  H.G. Wells had strange automated devices scurrying about behind the Martian invaders in War of the Worlds.  The devices were so strange and alien like that they controlled themselves.  Devices that can run themselves with only a little help from people can be found as far back as the reinassaince and thanks to Wikipedia, designs for them go back farther than that!  So if robots are something completely new to you and you’ve never experienced them before this moment, then please read up a bit over at Wikipedia.  It’s not necessary, they’re just so freaking cool.

To prove how cool they are, check out Junkhead, the robot I designed with my friends at Inconjunction 2008.  Even though he could only go forward and backward, we won the tournament!

Alright that last part was just “my doodz, let me show you them.”  Onto the article!

1.  Why, Robot?
“Data, I would like to have been consulted.” “I have not observed anyone else on board consulting you about their procreation, Captain.” - Picard and Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation

I really don’t know where my love of robotics came from.  My Mom is a school teacher, my Dad was a pilot, and we grew up in Indianapolis.  There really is no singular reason for why I dig the machines except for one possible source: Television!

Oh television, is there anything you can’t do?

When we lived on Ellenburger I remember watching Robocop and Terminator on Channel 4.  At night there would be Star Trek: the Next Generation, where Commander Data faced off with the Borg and his evil brother Lore.  They also had to content with Wesley Crusher, but we forgive them. (Stand By Me was more memorable for Wheaton.)  I also remember my sister Tina helping me record Ziv Zulander the Bots Master so I could watch it when I got home from Moorhead Elementary. 

Warning: early 90s animation ahead!
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_tvshows/328-the-bots-master/

My love of robots also applies to power armor.  Heroes like Iron Man and ROM the Space Knight made me dream about thwarting the Mandarin and the Dire Wraiths in a suit of power armor.  I’d even dream up my own designs for it, and each week I’d pretend I was a different hero saving the world.  You might laugh or roll your eyes but to me, having mutant powers was boring and being an alien from planet Krypton was not as cool as Booster Gold or Steel.  They made their own technology and made themselves better on their own terms.

Are all machines great?  Some certainly aren’t.  I love the machines that built my car or that aid in surgery, and I even love the machines that try to save mankind by forming giant robots. (OK, that last part isn’t true.)  I can’t really say I love the machines that want to conquer the human race, turn us into weird test tube babies to power themselves, or who come back.

I’m not delusioal and I know that movies always exaggerate what machines can do.  I dream that we will see robots in my life time that can interact with us or be able to do great physical feats but in all likelihood that will be something the next generation gets to see.  Still, I can always just lean back and dream about what can happen.

That, and welcome our new Robot Overlords like this one that has taken control of Japan.

Man, the Japanese have some of the coolest toys on the planet.

2.  But you’re a writer, not an engineer!
“I am AWESMO, I’m here to be your friend!” - Eric Cartman from South Park

So I bet you’re saying to yourself, “What do you know about machines?  You write SciFi stories and have a big romantic crush on Frederick II of Hohenstaufen.  Why are you gibbering on about machines like you’re the great Deus Mechanicus?” 

True.  I’m not a scientist.  I’ve thought about going back to school for engineering but I don’t have the drive for it.  While I always excelled at English, history, social studies and other fields I was just never good at math.  Way to make me cry, internet!

I’m still fascinated by science!  So many things are discovered each year and I read every article with delight.  Things like the Large Hadron Collider make me stare with fascination as to what we will discover next!

Of course, when you look at robotics today it seems boring and I agree, sometimes it can be incredibly boring.  We don’t have Artificial Intelligence, we don’t have life like robotic butlers, and the military does not have gigantic death robots that can keep away alien invasions. (Or do they…) In fact, when you look at robots today you find they fall into these categories:

1. Automation, AKA factory work
2. Designed for simple tasks, like walking up steps or riding a bike
3. Amusement, such as the little robot dogs or dinosaurs you buy for kids. 

I know, thrilling, right?  I’m making robotics sound as thrilling as a science video your teacher played during high school when he wanted to nap but PAY ATTENTION!  

Now one thing to understand is that the development of robots comes with small breakthroughs, not massive bounds.  Like with any field we can’t just jump from Asimo the stair climbing robot all the way to Wing Gundam in a year!  Although (I do hope by the time I’m 30 we will at least have some sort of robot dueling event.)

Robot design is painstakingly slow but I’m still fascinated by the improvements.  Recently in Japan they developed a robot named TOPIO that can play ping pong.

Say hi to the nice people, TOPIO!

So he plays ping pong.  That’s not very exciting, now is it?  WRONG!

TOPIO uses high tech sensors and proximity servos to see the ball coming towards him and his software triggers a response which is “Hit that damn ball onto the other side of the net!” This development with robots means that we are able to give the robot something which most humans can do instinctively.  Our brains do the millions of calculations a second that let us play ping pong and now we are able to impart that knowledge onto something mechanical.

3.  Pursuit of Life

“I think it would be better not to die.  Do you not think so, Dr. Calvin?” - Sunny from I, Robot  

One aspect about robots that makes them so fascinating is our ability to anthropomorphize them.  For you dummies out there, that means “To give human characteristics to non-human items.”  In films, books, and television there are many, many examples of robots that behave just like us. The most forgettable robots out there are the ones where they do not do anything but beep, move about, and possibly shoot things.  Do you remember Captain S.T.A.R. from the Black Hole?  He was one of the villains, for crying out loud!  Instead the villainous Maximillian is remembered because while he never spoke, he had that menacing aura to him when he attacked the crew of the Palomino. 

By giving something a human trait it makes it easier for the audience to relate to it.  Robots by design are not capable of emotion or in behaving like humans.  In many cases, like with the crawling robots from the Matrix series, they are completely inhuman.  And yet, these inhuman creatures have their own feelings and ways of acting.  In the Matrix series, the robots both hate and fear humans, and are dependent on them to exist.  The robot Sunny from the I, Robot film was unique in that his creator wanted him to experience the same emotions humans could so he could pass it on to other robots.  He was fearful most of the time, but in the end he was capable of great bravery in saving Will Smith from having to say “Aww, Hell Nah!” at least five more times.

Do we give human traits to robots just to make them more likable?  I don’t think so.  I know many people who name their car, or when their computer is acting up on them they say the computer is being difficult.  I think it’s very much in our nature to give things personality and it can help to make something unique or different from all the rest.

For example, lets look at Johnny 5.  Johnny 5 from the Short Circuit film series speaks, plays, and even laughs at jokes.  Throughout the series he is seen evolving as he learns more about the world and explores.  His brothers, the J series of robots, can only move around and shoot lasers at Steve Guttenberg (and missing!  The fools!)  The audience is brought on the ride with him as he jokes about.

Robots are sometimes completely human even when they don’t seem that way.  Data from ST:TNG wanted desperately to be human and his pursuit of that goal helped show how we think of ourselves.  He tried to tell jokes, and even tried practical jokes to try to fit in with others and yet he was still on the outside.  He saw humanity as an ideal, not as a state of being.

The Transformers series have much in common with Data.  Born on the planet Cybertron, the Transformers are a race of mechanical beings who laugh, have distinctive personalities, and in some cases even age!  They can have entire limbs shot off, be repaired and they are still the same.  They also possess a kind of soul in their Sparks, a somewhat mystical piece of program code that brings them to life.

In some ways robots represent perfection and in others, the pursuit of perfection.  Their mechanical bodies represent the advancement of science, and robots have qualities we wish we had in ourselves.  Robots also let us become the creator of something that’s almost “alive.”  We can define their traits, we can set their goals, and we watch with joy as the machines perform their tasks. 

…

That and robots are just really fucking cool.  What else can I say?

The next post will be about my favorite robots, both heroes and villains.  Stay tuned!

http://ken_ashford.typepad.com/blog/2009/12/house-gop-strikes-a-blow-in-the-fictional-war.html

Dear readers,

It has come to my attention that a bill has surfaced in the House of Representatives to protect Christmas.  Apparently, there are enough lawmakers who feel that Christmas is under attack and needs to be protected lest it be vanquished forever.  Under this new bill, Christmas and all symbols associated with it are protected and no one will be allowed to discriminate against it or cover up its name by using generic greetings.

There is no war on Christmas.  There is no hellish crusade by the Dark Ones to destroy Christmas forever.  Al-Qaida is not planning a dirty Happy Holiday bomb that will remove all references to Christ’s birthday forever.

I’m not saying this to mock your belief of Christmas being “under attack.”  It’s just in so many ways when people say that we have to protect Christmas, they’re missing the point entirely.  I’d like to talk to you today about why I feel people are getting worked up about nothing.  And remember dear reader…

I’m Catholic and my birthday comes two days after Christmas.

The Sin of Happy Holiday

So lets start with 1 because starting with 3 only works in a descending fashion and starting with 2 is just right out.  This is the big complaint that I hear about from people these days and often see lampooned in TV shows like American Dad.  People seem to be upset by the fact that more and more often the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ is used instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’

Now, I say Merry Christmas to people all the time and usually I hear back from them is Merry Christmas.  Sometimes they respond with Happy Holidays, and you know why that does not bother me?  Because Happy Holidays means Merry Christmas as well as Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Eid (if Ramadan syncs up in December), and Happy Life Day if you’re a Wookiee.*In fact most of the time when I think of what Happy Holidays means, I start off with “Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc.”

By saying Happy Holidays you are acknowledging that Christmas exists.  You are just also acknowledging other holidays exist as well.  I’m pretty sure that Jesus is a cool enough guy that he doesn’t mind if people say Happy Holidays.

It’s A Big Fucking Tree

Jim Gaffigan has a bit where he describes Christmas as a holiday thought up by a drunk.  People go out and chop down a tree and drag it indoors and hang ornaments from it, and they take lights and string them up on the outside of their house.  This is kind of true if you think about it; why would you cut down a tree, use it for a month, then set it out for the curb?**

I remember when I went to Purdue University and the president made the announcement that they were changing the name of the Christmas tree in the Union to the “Union Tree”, so that it better reflected the diversity of the campus and respected other people’s beliefs.  This small change of title led to a clusterfuck of complaints and protests because people felt that it disrespected their belief in Christmas.

Now, I do think it’s silly to change the name of the tree.  I mean, it’s a big freaking Christmas tree!  As I sat in classes I heard people refer to it as the Christmas tree, the Christmas tree in the Union, and the Christmas Union tree.  Changing its name did not in fact change what it was; it had candy canes, lights, and Christmas ornaments hanging off of it.  If anything all they did was give the tree an actual name, and a boring name at that.***

Changing the name of something does not change it’s meaning if the intent of the new phrase is the same as the last.  In the same way as saying Happy Holidays is the same as Merry Christmas, changing the name of Christmas trees or only singing the Santa-oriented Christmas Carols changes nothing in the end.

Big Birthday Bash for Christ!

I think Jesus was awesome.

 He did so much for us, knowing what would happen to him in the end.  He was forgiving, he taught others, and he gave us the ability to repent our sins so that we may know the joy of Heaven.  In this way, he gave us a never ending gift that we enjoy every day.

So he’s probably cool if you forget that December 25th is his birthday, too.

Now I can’t speak for Christ.  Maybe he gets bummed that some people forget he was born then. But I think he is up in Heaven right now talking with new arrivals and getting ready for the next Halo tournament****, and he’s got so many people that do celebrate his birthday.

I’d be remiss in pointing out that we don’t actually know, historically, when Christ was born.  December 25th was an appointed holiday where the Catholic Church arbitrarily decided it would be.  I don’t think it actually matters which day it was since the intent is the same.  I’ve known friends to celebrate their birthday a week before or after the actual day because it was more convenient for them.

4.  Santa Baby, Come On Down The Chimney And FIGHT!

So if Christmas is under attack, is Santa the herald of secular destruction?

Seriously, if I was to point fingers at the biggest threat to Christ’s birthday, it’s Santa.  He’s the biggest socialist I know!   Santa brings you gifts if you are good and little kids pray that their Reindeer riding hero brings them a Red Ryder BB Gun so they can shoot their own eyes out.*****

That just screams secular socialism.  He is rewarding people for being good, not if they earned it.  He is stealing attention away from God because of bribing kids, and people spend money on their families and loved ones instead of strangers.

Whenever I try to argue this to others they just glare at me and accuse me of hating Santa and Jesus in the same stroke.  To some, the two hang out once a month to play poker and watch movies.  But as a Catholic I often take flak because people accuse me of idolatry for my beliefs, with the Saints and Mary being their biggest complaint.  Wouldn’t Santa be considered an idol?

Instead of blaming Santa, people blame atheists and liberals for Christmas being in decline.  Atheists, who don’t believe in religion, are trying to ban all references to Christmas because it is a big component of organized religion, they don’t want their own children harmed by references to Christianity, and/or atheists eat their own feces and worship the elder god Sciencelosto, who rewards his followers with knowledge if they hate all that is good and righteous.

 I’m just kidding, I love you atheists.  In my view of Heaven, I’ll be seeing you guys up there by the Chocolate Fountain on the island of Free Arcade Games.  It’ll be a hoot!

CONCUSSIVE CONCLUSION!

I’m just kidding, this won’t be as fun as a concussion.

I hate how people take offense where none is meant.  In the United States, Christianity is the biggest of all organized religions.  It is split up into multiple faiths but they all work towards the same goals.  Conservative Christians have a tremendous amount of power and freedom to practice their beleifs h owever they want.  

Christmas is a holiday that is celebrated by all sorts of people.  The idea of Christmas is so powerful that it brings people together and teaches love and respect for others.  Families drive long distances to be with loved ones, and there is nothing like sitting around the Christmas tree opening gifts for others.  I have known Muslims to get gifts for friends in the spirit of the holiday, and I can name more people than I have fingers on my hands that are atheist and celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday, complete with gifts for their families.

Now if Congress were to pass a bill that outlawed Christmas, I’d be pissed off.  I’d be angry.  I’d join in with the marches and cry out with the crowds, I’d sign the petitions and stand up and stand proud!  I’d talk to my congressman, I’d rally the troopers, I’d shingle the gorganplatz and dingle the floopers******!  But changing how you talk about the holiday or showing respect to other ways of worship is not forsaking the very idea of Christmas.  Christmas is a holiday that our grandparents celebrated and our great grand kids will still celebrate.

So in closing, Christmas is fine.  Christmas is safe.  Christmas is never going away. Thinking that it isn’t is just being paranoid and in my opinion is the same way as feeling that aliens are out to get your underpants when you aren’t looking.  There’s no real merit towards either one, and spending your time worrying that either will happen is a waste of time.

Now gnomes, they’re the fuckers out to steal your shit.

 *If you are a Wookiee and celebrate Life Day, I hate you for ruining the Star Wars Christmas Special.  Go decorate your craptacular holiday on Kashykk! 

**I love trees, but since I’m allergic to them they don’t love me back. :/

***I would have given the tree a more epic name, like the Imperial Tree of Conquest, or Pine Maximus.

****It’s a biblical fact: Halo is so much cooler in Heaven, but Christ’s divine reflexes makes him unbeatable.  That, and most people have trouble shooting at the messiah!

*****Funny fact: when I was in Boy Scouts and I took my patrol of kids to the BB range at camp, one of them had a misfire with his gun and had it bounce off a log and smack me in the forehead.  It came so close to my left eye that it wasn’t even funny……Ok, it’s a little funny!

******If you didn’t catch this Dr. Seuss reference, I can’t even help you.

Some people like to tell the old stories about good ol’ Saint Nicholas who brings children presents each year if they’ve been good, and that he can magically fit down a chimney with his sleigh of whimiscally named reindeer.  I know in school every child knows at least a dozen stories about Santa Clause, the magic man who employs a team of elves who either have good union ties to only have to work one night of the year or if they’re kept in cages up at the North Pole.  But my Mom made sure that her family followed the Imperial Edict.  Fear would keep the children in line…fear of her ultimate weapon.  But I’m not here today to tell you about her freaking AWESOME chicken stuffing.  Oh no, I’m here to share AND warn you about the terror that is Slarr’Hsh, or as you might know him as…THE CHRISTMAS GORN.

Out by the old temporal rift,
Flying through space is ol’ Slarr’Hsh!
 Raiding the Alpha Quadrant for goods and toys
Crushing Federation scum
With fiendish ploys!

Chorus
Arr, Arr, Arr!
To boldly go,
Rarr, Rarr, Rarr
The engines will blow!
Up on the starboard bow,
Hiss, Hiss, Hiss!
Down through the turboshaft

With Ol’ Slarr’Hsh!

First on the sensors
Is the USS Bell
On a five year journey
into hell!
Fire a volley
Their hull burns and fries!
Their reactor goes critical,
then they die!

Repeat Chorus

Next on the hit list
is Deep Space Nine
It has trade and cargo

And ale so fine!
Disruptors burst, zat zat zat!
Comm signals jammed
as they’re under attack!

Repeat Chorus

Who is ol’ Slarr’Hsh the Christmas Gorn?  Some say he was the runt of the litter, a scrawny, gamey sort of creature that could barely take down a rabbit let alone a Tellarite. He shared his food with others, painted pictures of puppy dogs and blue birds, and treated his elders with respect; such behavior made his fellow Gorn think he was an antisocial serial killer!  Cast out from his family in the cold months of their planet, he was told to toughen up or die…just like they do in the Detroit school system!

He wandered for countless days and nights until he came across an elf working on his freighter! This elf had pointy ears and a short chili bowl hair cut, and he wore plaid clothing that made him look effeminate but the spikes made him look manly!  This creature greeted Slarr’Hsh with “Tulantru”, which is a sort of “Hey how are ya?”

“I’m Rodon of Romulas,” said the dreadfully pale elf.  “My ship broke down after trying to smuggle some Romulan Ale to your planet! It seems my engines became clogged with something in your atmosphere…quite possibly that torpedo that knocked out my deflector grid!  Can you help fix my ship so I can go home and see my family?”

The two became fast friends and worked hard on fixing their ship. After many days the two laughed together, worked together, and ate together, until finally the ship was done. Then Slarr’Hsh ate the Romulan, because his mom always taught him to never waste food!

Returning to his village with his brand new war ship, something had changed about Slarr’Hsh.  He stood taller, he was much stronger, and his form was more pleasing to the females. Slarr’hsh got many offers from the most attractive Gorn around, including some of the men folk which pleased but confused him!  After spending many nights amongst the females of his village doing I don’t know what…seriously, I’m not a herpetologist…he raised the village to the ground, took the survivors as his crew, and shipped out amongst the stars looking for plunder.

They say one night out of the year ol’ Slarr’Hsh’s heart softens a bit, and he takes mercy on the little ones out there.  He gathers up his great treasure hoard on his starship “The Slay” and goes from planet to planet, destroying the wicked in a hail of plasma fire and rewarding the innocent with treasure.  Whole worlds have been razed to the ground but the few innocent survivors crawl from the wreckage with stockings full of candy and toys (and sometimes bandages in case they take some holiday friendly fire!)

So sing his song and clear the landing pad! Hug your mom and say goodbye to dad!  Cause the Christmas Gorn is warping to your town!!!

(It is worth nothing however that he’s a little OCD about time and at 12:01 AM December 26th he will murder your ass if you’re still in the room.)