It’s the end of Lost as we know it!  Soon we will no longer be Lost but still very confused as to what the hell happened in the past six years.  It’s been six years of confusing twists, weird explanations, and just the general feeling that manatees with volleyballs were responsible for picking out the plot.

This doesn’t mean the show has not been really amazing.

If I had to sum up the show, I’d sum it up as a sci fi mystery thriller with hints of comedy and suspense. Each season seemed designed to turn the show on it’s head, almost as if it was trying to taunt it’s own audience.  It was like the show was the TV version of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal, as the show was observed it then had to change. In layman’s terms, if the show was a person it would say this:

Audience: hooray!  I know what’s going on!  The Island was host to some big science experiment!
Show: FUCK YOU IT’S MAGIC
Audience: ……….
Show: Not just magic but magic Ghosts. Yeah, hows them apples?
Audience: OK, so the magic ghosts-
Show: Highlanders.
Audience: What??
Show: It’s the Highlanders now…HAVEN’T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION???

Fans of the show would agree with this.

But so many questions were left unanswered!  I mean, fuck…this show is having its series finale but leaving behind more questions than shows that end on cliffhangers.  Seriously, Heroes had a few questions behind when it ended but Lost is going to fill encyclopedias with unanswered questions and mythology.

Here are some of my biggest questions, and some possible answers will come after it.

1. What happened to Walt?  How did Linus know Walt would get rescued?
2. How did Hugo and Miles get their abilities?
3. Is it really magic, science fiction, or a bit of both? How did Jacob know the “spells” to grant powers to others?
4. What are Jacob’s powers?
5. What is the Man in Black’s real name and what is his history?
6. Why is Desmond in the parallel universe a big freaking dick?
7. How come no one else went into the Source and became separated from their body? Even on accident and with a guardian, there were years where no one guarded the Source and it was possible others could be created.
8. Who are the others the Man in Black was talking about? He wasn’t referring to the Others that lived on the island.

I am entertaining any answers you might have.
Spoilers Below…YOU WERE WARNED.

My final theory on the history of the island:

• The Source is a fragment from the creation of universe. It centered itself on the Island and mankind achieved sentience because of it. Sipping from the water gives you knowledge of everything and gives you immortality, which explains how Jacob and the Man in Black are able to manipulate events and see into the future.
• The reason physics on the island don’t conform with the rest of the world is because the Source is made up of strange quantum particles that change reality around them. Organic structures don’t decay on the island and some damage can be regenerated. The water causes people’s bodies to never get old.
• Jacob and the Man in Black were from some ancient Judeo Christian civilization.  They were from possibly 4000 B.C. though I don’t know how to date this accurately.
• After the separation of the Man in Black from his body, he became a spirit which manifested as an angry storm. He then became the representation of Baal and Apep to the civilizations that found him next.  When Egyptian explorers found the island he was confused with Apep (God of Destruction) and to appease him they built the massive statue of Taweret to appease him.  Man in Black uses the colonists who come afterwards to build the Temple, the Wheel, and the Ruins.
• Dharma Initiative learned about the island from records kept over the years from those who escaped the island and when it’s discovered they build the bases there. Their research sets up strange events throughout the world, such as the Bermuda Triangle.
• Man in Black influences each civilization that comes to the island to his own means, then eventually when they turn on him he destroys them whether in storm form or with corruption.  The Egyptian hieroglyphs of Anubis battling Apep show his battles.
• The Dharma Initiative is destroyed due to conflict with the Others who are the descendants of those who get lost on the Island. The Samurai was a businessman who became lost at sea after the death of his son, so he devotes himself towards alchemy and the pursuit of Bushido.
• The Dharma Initiative left the island when the majority of the base was killed off and Charles uses his outside resources to keep resources flowing to the island but keeps people from finding it.
• The Flash Sideways are just of a universe where the people get a better life. I have a theory that Jack is responsible for doing this after obtaining powers.

Oh Green Lantern…I love you but I’m probably going to make fun of you at least one more time before this is through.

No I’m not giving out free comics. There’s already a holiday dedicated to it on the first weekend of May. Perhaps you heard about it…

There’s never a more perfect time to get into comics, especially when they’re free. And that’s what I’m here to tell you about today. Lets look at that more understood method of storytelling, the comic!

I can already hear the excuses because I worked in a comic store for many years: Who reads comics?  I’m too mature for them. I read things off the Bestseller list or what Oprah recommends.

That’s just bologna. Millions of people across the world read comics, and many of them are adults. Comic books are a wildly diverse medium these days, featuring everything from classic spandex clad do-gooders fighting for God, Country and the Common man to worlds dominated by zombies who eat the good guys for breakfast…literally. 

Please note I’m not challenging the judgements of the mighty Oprah. Woe be to those who displease her.

Her gaze turns men to stone!

Recently my good friend and archnemesis Chuck Wendig asked for help with comics. Being a helpful sort of villain I obliged him with my baseball bat of good picks. As I rattled off my shortened list of comics I’d recommend, it got me thinking: Is there anyone else who is interested in comics? I used to make my living helping people spend their money wisely, so I’m here to offer my services to the internet!

Yay! I’m a 4 Color Prostitute! 

So lets get started by answering some fears people might have about comics.

I wouldn’t know where to start.

 Tackling the big one here. If you walk into your local comic store (or well stocked chain book store) you will notice the huge amount of comics there. There’s your Batman comics, your Superman, even your Green Lantern…for starters. Here’s a pic of one wall from Von’s Comics back when I worked there.

ONE wall.  One.  Of Four potential walls and that’s not including the rows of back issues we had.

Comics are pretty daunting especially if you are a complete novice to them. Some of them have over 80 years of history to them, and their back stories have been rewritten, retconned, or left in editorial nightmares for many years. (Looking at you, Hawkman.) This doesn’t include guest appearances in other comics, big cosmic events they may have taken part of, and character deaths. Just FYI: Get used to characters coming back to life frequently in comics if they were at all popular.

So how do we overcome this? Two ways come to mind. First, you can just dive in feet first and take it as a newbie and get it over with. This way everything is still a mystery and brand new to you and if you really get stuck, you can buy more issues to catch up on the story. For those of you who have to have the answers and want some prior knowledge to the comics, you can turn to our old standby and best friend the Internet for answers!

Comic fans *love* Wikipedia. I’m not making a broad generalization here; each Wednesday the comic book related entries are in a state of flux as fans hurry to update their favorite heroes page with what happened next. If Green Lantern is revealed to have an unhealthy fixation on squirrels it’ll appear.

Sometimes the Lantern IS a squirrel! (See? Told you it would happen!)

In the end it’s going to be best to go with what you think you will like. If you have fond memories of the Hulk comics from your childhood I recommend starting there. If a friend recommends a comic to you feel free to take them up on it. You are bound to find some comics you don’t like (Mine is the Boys) but eventually you will find something you love. 

Superheroes are boring!

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Err, sorry about that. That wasn’t fair. I was only kidding baby!

Truth be told, superhero comics can get pretty boring. There are only so many times you can watch Superman beat up Lex Luthor before it becomes old hat. The problem with superheroes is the same thing that can occur in other genres where they literally start to lose focus and their stories get repetitive. But fortunately those who aren’t interested in superheroes still have options with comics.

Comics weren’t always about guys in leotards fighting villains with doomsday devices. Some of the first comics included horror comics featuring Frankenstein and Dracula. Gritty detectives would have shoot outs with crooks by the docks and in space monsters would devour spaceships whole while their crew struggled to escape.

Would it surprise you that comic books were once considered so violent and pornographic that Congressional hearings were held to determine their effect on our nation’s youth? Comic books were held back for decades when the Comic Authority code was passed and comics became very formulaic and cartoonish. That’s a rant for another day though.

Every genre is available for comics these days. 

Horror: Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Science Fiction: Dan Dare by Garth Ennis
Comedy: Invincible by Robert Kirkman. K, this is a superhero comic but the comedy is the real center of this comic.
Philosophy: Action Philosophers! by Fred Van Lente. Seriously, if you need to study  for a Philosophy 101 class check out Action Philosophers! It’s funny and educational!

And yoooooou thought I was kidding! Where’s my $5?

I only like (Insert Writer Here.)

Fair enough. I’ve heard this one several times before.

I know some people who follow certain people religiously. They follow their favorite writer on twitter, they’re a fan of their Facebook page, and they own just about everything they’ve published. I do the same thing. I like Neil Gaiman and I find what he does interesting. The problem comes when I hear people who absolutely refuse to hear or read anything else.

I used to have a customer at Von’s who came in each week asking for the latest thing by Warren Ellis. He’d stand there and trash other comics, frequently pointing out how gay superhero comics covers were. If Warren Ellis wrote an article claiming the sky was neon pink instead of blue the guy would challenge people to honor duels defending that fact.

When I would try to show him something else he’d flat our reject it in favor of what he knew. No other writer could hold up compared to his favorite so why would he try?

While there is such a thing as comfort, this can stifle comics in my opinion. Warren Ellis is a fantastic writer! I have a hard time thinking of anything bad about the guy. But when I hear someone flat out deny the rest of the medium in favor of just one writer it annoys me.

So lets assume that Joe Schmoe prefers to read comics just by Garth Ennis. Garth Ennis is a guy who makes very action oriented, gritty comics. His version of the Punisher executes bad guys in a very messy, graphic style and his comic the Boys focuses on how flawed superheroes are, often making caricatures of famous pop icons and giving them some dirty secret like pedophilia or sex addiction.

For Joe, I’d recommend he try out Mark Millar for a while or Mark Waid.   Mark Millar did the popular Kick-Ass series, which delivers on the graphic violence Garth Ennis is known for and tells it’s own version of comic superheroes administering street justice. Waid’s series Irredeemable features a world where their version of Superman goes completely nuts and we’re introduced to what made him fall.

So there you go, true believers!  I just hope that some of you took something from this thing today. If you need any recommendations feel free to ask, I’ve read so many comics that I know more than a few good ones.

Leave your comments in the comment section if you want to know more about comics!  I’m always willing to help.  Get yourself to your local comic shop post haste!

Lets talk about moms for a second. Not yours, though from what I hear your mother who by all accounts is a classy lady!

My Mom though?  Awesome.  All the time.  Even when we argue she’s still amazing.

I get my love of reading from my mother who always took me to the library when I was a kid.  She’d let me check out any number of books I wanted which back then usually included Where’s Waldo, dinosaur picture books, and books on mythology.  My Mom continues to be more than a little understanding when she sees me reading a new graphic novel or book even though I have more than most people would consider humanly possible!

This is one bookshelf.  ONE.  OF MANY.

That’s not true….that bookshelf is outdated.  I have 3! RPG/comics, Comics, and novels and non-fiction.

But enough about my awesome library…

How cool is my Mom?  Remember that game that came out back in the day that involved fighters beating each other to a bloody pulp?  I’m not talking about  Pug Pirates, though that game would be just adorable.  I’m talking about Mortal Kombat!

(Taken by Amy Tucker from www.everyjoe.com)

My Mom sat me down once as a kid to talk to me about violence in video games.  I don’t remember much about the conversation but it went something like this:

Mom: “You know not to hurt people and that video games are fake, right?”
Lil’ Me: “Yep!”
Mom: “That’s great.  I trust you.  Here’s this new game everyone is talking about and I got you the blood code for it because apparently it comes pre-censored.”

A B A C A B B: The motherfucking blood code for Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis.  I still remember it to this day!

The only time she ever showed concern over what I was playing was when I started playing Grand Theft Auto III around the same time I started driving.  If I started running over pedestrians or failed to stop for red lights she’d take away my car keys. C’mon!  Everyone knows that Liberty City is in Soviet Nazistan and the pedestrians and prostitutes are baby sacrificing zombies from hell!
(Mom’s to smart for that lie, but yours might not be! See if that line will work kids!)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Pepperoni is pretty greasy, get some nice pineapple on your pizza instead.  As for the rest of you you’re thinking “You keep saying your Mom is great but that’s cause she does all these things for you!  What does she do for the rest of the community?”

My Mom is a Special Education teacher for IPS and is working with kindergarten at the moment.  In the past she’s had to work with emotionally handicapped students which can be really challenging, since a list of injuries for her have included: Broken thumb, numerous threats, and globs of spit.  It wasn’t a job for the faint of heart but she did it for 15 years!  That’s 15 years of dealing with stressful situations from day to day.

She’s also been an air traffic controller, a police dispatcher, and raised the 3 of us without batting an eye.

When she wasn’t helping out other people’s kids she helps take care of her grandson and my mighty nephew Jack!  Jack is over a year old now and is quite the handful!  He’s  a running, screaming, milk bottle throwing machine of cuteness!

  If there needed to be Jack vs. Evil Robot Baby, Jack wins 10x over.

My Mom somehow manages to juggle working at school all day and taking care of my nephew at night whenever my sister and brother in law are busy fighting evil as Lawyerman and Attorneywoman!  While they’re putting the bad guys away in jail she takes care of him (with the occasional guest appearance from me!)

Side note: Giant Robot Babies.  Do they grow up to be Giant Robot Giants?  THIS IS WHY WE’RE LOSING THE WAR ON GIANT ROBOTS, PEOPLE! President Obama, when will we prioritize funding towards building superdroids instead of stealth bombers?  Call me, I have some ideas.

To a special little lady out there who has helped make me who I am: You’re great and I love you.  Thank you for everything and for being the coolest person I know.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!