So if you followed up with my last post (and you did cause otherwise you’re a total loser) you may have heard about my ongoing feud with Rick.  He disrespected my mother and claimed he was a better kisser than my dog.  That’s not true, but if it was true that would be deeply disturbing on SO MANY LEVELS.

Anyhoo, I challenged him to a writing contest. I was confident that he wouldn’t accept but he did! I then gave him an easy out; he had his choice between writing an epic novel series complete with a metagame  and transmedia section OR we could compete with a flash fiction contest. Guess which one he chose?

I may have shot myself in the foot on this one.

So now I have to come up with something in the vein of Medieval Romance (cause he’s a crafty one) in order to win this feud that I’ve already forgotten what started it.  So after meditating on the matter, seeking advice from my spiritual adviser Flot the cat, and ignoring this whole thing for as long as possible I had a vision. I had an idea for the greatest medieval romance story known to man. I am proud to share with you today my greatest addition to the literary world:

Sir Edward walked with Lady Belladonna through the forests of the Count of Spokania. The sky was gray as ’twas the norm but the weather was pleasant and their surroundings surprisingly well lit, thought Lady Belladonna. She had grown close to this strange knight that she had met at the Alchemy class last week. He was quite queer, with strange mannerisms and a penchant for standing within five feet of an unmarried woman which was considered shocking by the gossips but she felt comforted by his presence. After he had saved her from a rampaging bull and took her under his personal protection she felt like she owed this youthful knight with the ancient eyes.

Her long black hair was held back by an azure ribbon the same shade as her gown. Adorned with the gold rings of her station she had lamented being sent off to far Spokania to provide comfort to her father, the Sheriff, but she was slowly getting used to such plain life. Some of her closest friends were serving girls who spoke with relative ease and strength though she felt pained by not spending enough time with her former childhood friend Jacob of Wolfham.

As they stopped in a glenn she wrapped her arms about her as a cool breeze seemed to blow about them. She shivered while Sir Edward seemed at ease with the elements. His black robe and tabard clung tightly to his form and the mail he wore under it shone brightly. He wore an open faced helm with a snarling bat face carved into the top. His hands were constantly clenched even while sitting and Lady Belladonna often caught him sniffing the air when she was around, his eyes focused on her body as if he were thinking craven thoughts. The idea of him engaging in courtly love with her made her blush a bit.

“I can’t be with you,” gasped Lady Belladonna as she turned from Sir Edward. “I know who you really are.”

“Pray tell, my Lady,” whispered Sir Edward as he inched close enough to smell  her perfume anointed hair. “What is this that you be speaking of?”

“You avoid the sunlight if possible. You rarely take the Sabbath. You refuse to wear the Red Cross on your armor.”

“Goeth on,” said Sir Edward through clenched teeth, as a hint of fangs emerged over his lips. “What am I?”

“A Saxon!”

Silence fell over the glade. It was as if all of Spokania had fallen still with her unholy revelation. The clouds broke above them and Sir Edward seemed like he was suddenly something else, as if every fiber of Lady Belladonna’s being cried out against this unholy abomination. Her tight blue silk dress seemed too tight and she struggled to catch her breath as she trembled before him. And yet, she thought, this strange knight had never seemed so more enticing than before now. Unwelcome thoughts appeared in her mind, thoughts of listening to poetry in the garden or wrapping her silk scarf around his lance. Such things were almost unheard of with so strange a creature and made her feel like a harlot.

Holding out his gauntlet he beckoned with his head towards the horizon. “Come, my lady,” said Sir Edward with a voice like thunder. “Come, come my lady, be like a close friend to me, my sugar sweet lady.”

Still trembling Lady Belladonna could not control herself as she extended her hand to his. He felt cold as she gripped his armor and did not resist when he put both of his arms around her. Just a second ago he seemed like an invader intent on destroying her homeland but now she could not resist him. Her inner fire still raged within her but she felt comfortable in his presence.

With swift alacrity and overwhelming celerity Sir Edward held on to her tightly and began running up the mountainside. He moved faster than any mortal could, his black armored form like a shadow darting between rocks. As they climbed higher in the mountain Lady Belladonna watched as the world moved by in a green blur. Her long silk dress trailed behind her and whipped with the wind.

When Sir Edward stopped they were in a clearing near the top of the mountain. Setting her down in the mud he removed his cloak and set it  neatly on a rock. Removing his helmet revealed curly brown hair that seemed to stand up on it’s own. Climbing on top of the rock he turned to stand in front of her, the wind lifting up his tabard slightly as the clouds parted behind in. He raised his hands out to his sides casting a shadow like a lower case T on the field in front of her as the sun shown down on them.

Lady Belladonna’s breath caught in her throat as his skin began to shine. It glimmered like stars in the night sky, like tiny diamond stretched across his skin. Truly, these Saxons were not human but something truly beautiful. Only now did her thoughts turn from tying her ribbon around his lance as a favor to something completely different…

Uh oh.  I upset someone.  ON THE INTERNET. 

My dear friend and colleague Rick Carroll posted something about lightning this morning on twitter and I felt compelled to correct him. I mean, if anyone here is an expert on lightning it’s me!  I recently had the misfortune of getting Zeus’ wrath after we got back from vacation earlier this month and had lightning blow out all the electronics in our house.

Didn’t I tell you all about that?  It’s been no easy task dealing with insurance companies in the aftermath of it.  Lightning struck a tree in our neighbor’s yard which then arced into our fence.  The train of destruction is as follows and reads like a Family Circus strip. 

1. From the tree into the fence where it tried to weld our fence shut.
2. Through the fence to the gutter where it knocked off the drain spout and went into the gutters.
3. Through the metal gutter guard into our roof, knocking off shingles and popping the top vent. It also warped some metal.
4. Part of the lightning hit our phone line which was spliced with the cable line because of Comcast’s Triple Play package (I’ll rant about them later)
5. Went into the cable line and into our house frying every electronic on the first floor and popping nearly all the fuses.
   

Some of my friends said “Why didn’t you use surge protectors? They would have stopped the lightning cold!” Ha ha, no. No how much your average surge protector can stop? It can stop a fuse blowing or a short circuit. Not only do they not stop lightning but lightning fried out our surge protectors as well as the power supply to the 360.  

Come to think of it, I think Rick was teasing me because he was the one who sent the lightning bolt!  He must have stolen one of Zeus’ lightning bolts and tried to nail our house but missed because he’s a horrible person shot!

Oh it’s ON! I challenge you to a writing contest good sir! Are you game?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION!

Or How I Learned To Stop Caring And Shoot My Gun.

 I beat Red Dead Redemption the other night, and let me tell you: This game was something different.

You take on the role of John Marston, a notorious outlaw who is blackmailed by the US government into trying to take down former members of your old gang.  After being left for dead outside of Fort Mercer you are taken in by the MacFarlanes who tend to your wounds and set you on your path that takes you through the beautiful mesa of New Austin, down into the troubled times of Mexico, and back north into West Elizabeth where you take haven in the city of Blackwater.

The game is good, no doubts there. The graphics blew me away once I started playing the game. Everything from trail dust hugging your legs to grass swaying in the breeze makes you feel like you are in the Old West. Animals scamper about as you go hunting and towns have that old fashioned feel to them.

When it comes to the missions, they all seemed to blend in after a while but they still had a fun if simple premise; shoot the bad guys dead. It was fun sneaking into hideouts or Mexican army bases but some of the other missions usually involved “Ride to Point A While Listening To Boring Monologues Then Shoot Crap.”  I liked some of the minigames though so these are just minor complaints.  The Dead Eye system made hunting too simplistic but was absolutely necessary for gun fights.

Gunfights gunfights gunfights. The game really appeals to the wild west nuts and those who crave violence. With at least 6 types of weapons to choose from you can customize what weapons you take with you into a fight.  Certain outfits either granted you camouflage against a certain group or gave you bonuses as well.  I admit, it was satisfying to shoot from the distance with my Elephant Gun, switching out for my Mauser as I assaulted the base, then pulling out the Semi Auto Shotgun for close quarters.

Some of the little things in the game were great but were balanced out by equally aggravating things.  I loved playing Texas Hold ‘Em and Blackjack in the saloons to raise money!  Hunting was also a pretty ingenious way to test a player’s skills by having challenges in the game required by killing certain creatures. I also learned how to play Liar’s Dice which I’m dying to play in person with someone now. On the other hand, the Ranching missions were a PAIN IN THE ASS.  I’m an outlaw who brings vigilantes to justice and I’m an expert gambler, why do I need to learn how to drive cattle? What was to be gained by playing Horseshoes to give me the final piece I needed for my outfits? Why would you give me certain outfits in the game but lock me out of changing clothes towards the end?

One major problem I had was the inconsistent dialogue. In Grand Theft Auto you overhear lots of people talking as you walk down the street and the radio helps fill you in on gaps in the game.  There was something to be said for listening to some good music as you drive ten minutes across the map to your destination. In RDR, the game has a beautiful soundtrack that lets you know when certain events are happening. It changes to a quick racing sort of music when you see outlaws make off with a wagon or the lively tunes in the saloon in Armadillo help with the poker games. Everywhere else though it’s quiet  VERY quiet.

The game gets sort of haunting in fact while you creep along in the dark trying to sneak into an outlaw camp or if you’re just sitting and waiting for a deer to run by. When there is music, it is either the same generic riding music or it only plays as long as the encounter lasts. If I shoot the outlaw, the music starts over again or goes to silence.  The same monotonous music got to me especially since I know the game has a great soundtrack because it came as a free download when I preordered it. Also, while the saloon in Armadillo had piano music none of the other bars did so the games there are filled with the same dialogue that repeats over and over again. (Like the racist guy who keeps saying Sure as Shootin’. I wanted to throw down my cards and plug him right there!)

Another problem comes from glitches. I have yet to see the humorous Cougar Man or Amazing Chinese Acrobat, but I have encountered a few weird ones.

• My horse phased into a bridge so that half of him was dangling below it and the other half was stuck on top. 
• Hit a man with dynamite and knocked him down. He then got back up and started running away!
• Bear Rump. A Bear was fused with a tree so that only his butt was sticking out. It reminded me of Winnie the Pooh except this guy was roaring and trying to hit me!
• Jumped over a small rock and my horse died suddenly as if it had fallen and impacted something.
• As long as I’m locked on to someone in Dead Eye Mode and keep moving, even if I run by a tree and Marston holds his gun up in the air the bullets go straight up and into my target.  SEEKER BULLETS!

 Overall the game gets a solid 4 1/2 out of 5. Amusing antics, beautiful graphics, and fun missions make this a near solid win. If they could fix some of the errors and simplify dueling I think it would definitely kick ass.

So Chuck Wendig has an amazing contest going right now.  Each day Chuck checks the analytics for his website and finds out what search phrases people have used to find his site.  Most recently, someone used the weirdest phrase in the world.

“My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser”

Since uncovering the phrase Chuck is determined to make it the next great Internet meme.  Apart from posting it on Fark and hoping it takes off form there he came up with a brilliant idea!  He’s asking people to write flash fiction or come up with something creative centered around that phrase!  It can be an Internet Meme, a poem, or a batshit crazy story.  More details right here!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/13/my-beard-come-so-fat-i-wanna-do-laser-the-goddamn-contest-and-the-effing-t-shirt/

So what did I do?  Well…I’m a little drunk.  I started drinking some cider while watching Deadliest Warrior (shut up, I like it!) and hit upon the idea of a Saturday morning Kid’s TV show adapted from Japan.  So I present the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors in this week’s adventure, Rage of the Digital Raven! Enjoy!

BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD, LASER! BEARD, LASER! BEARD (Beard) LASER (Laser) BEARD BEARD LASER LASER, BEARD BEARD LASER LASER,

BEARD.

LASER.

GO!!!

Am hellsten Tag!

in der dunkelsten Nacht!

kein Übel entgeht meinem Anblick!

lassen Sie die, die evil’ anbeten’s konnte!

passen Sie meine Energie auf!

Beard Laser s-Licht!

Last Time on Beard Laser Go!

Our incredible team of teenage ne’er do wells was hot on the pursuit of the evil Monochrome and his mutated avian monstrosity the Digital Raven! But with only 10 minutes of Energastic Power remaining in their Battle Rigs, can the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors defeat the vile Monochrome before he drains all the color in the world?

Lt. Boone chewed on the toothpick in his mouth like it was the cool thing to do as his Battle Rig navigated the dark tunnels of the Peruvian Underworld. Over 30 feet long his Lion Rig leapt from wall to wall as wicked cool lights blazed from it’s eye sockets. Thumbing up his cowboy hat he stared at the blinking lights on his console with disgust.

“Nothing! We’ve been down here almost an hour and we haven’t found diggity squat!”

Crawling around the corner was the dainty form of Tasha’s Chihuahua Rig. While small and covered with sparkling gemstones it could reflect laser fire and it’s twin linked chain guns could tear a man in half. Her cockpit was full of pictures and stuffed animals that did little to interfere with how Rig handled.

“Gee guys,” said Tasha as she stared at an oversized digital clock nervously. “I’m worried about us running out of power down here. We’ve only got a little bit of Energastic Power left in our Rigs!”

“What’s wrong little girl, scared?” echoed a voice in the darkness. Scuttling in the shadows was the terrifying form of the Buku-Battle Rig. A combination of a velociraptor, a fox, and a giant octopus the Buku-Battle Rig was as terrifying as its driver. Martin brushed back his bangs as he lit up a clove cigarette then closed his eyes with pleasure.

“Afraid something in the dark will get you?”

The massive Wolfgang Rig bounded down the hull, it’s sleek hull covered in numerous gun ports. As it bounded into the air and hung for 30 seconds, it’s pint sized driver cheered loudly through the tunnel.

“I’m not!” shouted Jimmy enthusiastically.  Jimmy laughed as his Rig landed on the ground and sent dust everywhere. Bounding again he was dancing in circles around the Lion Rig must to Boone’s irritation.

“I wanna do Laser!” said Jimmy.

“No, we’re not”, replied Lt. Boone as he gripped the controls tightly. “Stay in attack formation.”

“I wanna do laser!” shouted Jimmy, his hand inching closer and closer to the big red button on his dashboard. “That new beard we’ve got is so phat, I wanna do laser!”

“Holy Mars,” uttered Tasha as she struggled to bring her Rig under control. “We’re barely holding on here and you want to do laser mode? Are you crazy?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Good, now get into formation and we’ll fight our way to the surface while we still have pow-”

A massive explosion sent the Lion Rig crashing to the ground. All the other Rigs reflexively posed. A loud flapping noise could be heard throughout the tunnel as a sinister yet familiar high pitched laughter echoed around them.

“Pity you’re showing common sense when it’s just too late!”

Rising from a pit in the ground roared a monstrous beast. It’s jet black armored scales and furiously blazing red eyes caused the Lightning Lumberjacks to back up with fear. With a massive shrill shriek, the Digital Raven rocketed down the hall scattering everyone about. It arched up to the ceiling of the tunnel which seemed impossibly high and from a tiny saddle on its neck the villainous Monochrome in his white and black checkered suit grinned down at our heroes.

“I’d like to thank you for saving me the time it would take to dig your own graves!” The Digital Raven shrieked again and began pounding the ground with massive sonic blasts, causing the tunnel to shake violently.

“Team?” Boone bled a little bit from his mouth. This often happens when you chew on toothpicks carelessly in life or death situations. Word to your mothers, kids.

“Ready!” they shouted in unison.

“Go Laser.”

The four Rigs began to fold and compress into strange shapes that seemed in opposite to their original designs. The Buku-Battle Rig folded in half and and the tentacles slithered around to form a belt as it became the pants. The Chihuaha lengthened and split on both sides, the tiny head of the canine becoming five fingered hands. The Wolfgang seemed to roll into a sphere twice, first as a smaller ball but then as a much bigger one!  The other parts connected to it as the wolf face flattened to become the chest piece.

Finally, the Lion Rig shrank just a bit and looked like a massive man’s head with a thick, burly beard. It was the type of beard you grow when you have shit to do and the skills to do it. Like a mechanic Moore, when the Rigs joined together the whole form glowed with energy. A long wood cutting axe slipped out of nowhere into it’s hand and blazed with fire, lighting up the hallway.

Massive tendrils formed on the face and their ends widened into massive gun ports. Each terrifying curl became it’s own rail cannon, and smoke whisped out of it’s ears. From behind the Great Lumber-Rig glowed the sun, causing Monochrome and the Digital Raven to reel with terror at it’s majesty.

As one the entire team put their hands on a massive button that sprung out of nowhere in their cockpit. Each one grinned at each other as they pushed down in unison, their battle cry causing Monochrome to pee a little in fear.

“BEARD LASER GO!”

In Other News…

I HATE VUVUZELAS!

I have nothing against national pride.  Hell, I’m from the United States where everyone proudly says they are of one ethnicity or the other when the appropriate holiday comes up. But the vuvuzela is as enrapturing as a bee sting and as pleasant to listen to as Rush Limbaugh’s sex talk with Michael Moore!

http://thedailywh.at/post/703105640/animated-gif-of-the-day-dammit-gimli-reddit