It’s almost that time of year, folks. It’s that time of year when the streets of our fair city are filled with strange people wearing weird costumes and t-shirts with ridiculous phrases. (It’s a Rat Flail!) They speak in code and carry strange polyhedrons on their person. They hold elaborate free form plays in crowded hotel suites and thousands converge on the Indianapolis Convention Center in search of swag, treasure, and the chance to find that issue of Dragon Magazine that had the chick with the chainmail bikini. That’s right…It’s almost time for Gen Con. 

I know what you’re thinking…”Oh no, not that again!” “What’s Gen Con?” “Whoa whoa whoa…you mentioned bikinis?”

The answer is Yes, I’m about to tell you, and shame on you. Google is your friend.

Gen Con is one of the largest gaming conventions in the United States. Dedicated to Role Playing Games (RPGs), Collectible Card Games (CCGs), and Wicked Tarrasque Fights (WTF), it’s a four day convention of epic nerd proportions. Attracting over 28,000 people from all walks of life it’s quite exciting. It can also be really overwhelming if you are not prepared for it.

That’s where I come in! For years I’ve posted entries on my other blog talking about Indianapolis and Gen Con and I decided to offer some friendly advice on what to do while you’re here. I’m here to give you the skinny on Gen Con, some info about downtown Indy, and some old fashioned common sense for while you’re visiting.

The Con Itself

Lets start with some history. Gen Con was originally held in Lake Geneva Wisconsin, home to the legendary Gary Gygax. It was small then, only having 100 attendees who were mainly members of the  International Federation of Wargamers. The name Gen Con comes from “Geneva Convention”, and the shortened version of the name has been used ever since.

The con has grown steadily over the years. It outgrew it’s home of Lake Geneva and was held in Milwaukee for many years. In 2003 Gen Con had outgrown it’s location yet again and moved to Indianapolis where it has been ever since. The con has changed greatly since it’s early days, where board games, wargames, and the first iterations of Dungeons and Dragons were it’s mainstay. Now you can find everything from video games to live action dungeons!

What’s the appeal? Gen Con certainly is a different sort of convention than what many people are used to. I had to attend a convention once for work where we spent the days attending panels on Group Management and Inspiring Our Peers; I would have given my left arm to have left and wandered a dealer’s room or played a round of Nuclear War instead of awkward meet and greets where you pretend to discuss what you “learned that day.”

Gen Con is a lot of fun though and has done it’s best to branch out. If you love board games, their are ready to play demos in the Exhibition Hall (Dealer’s Room) as well as tournaments you can take part in. (There’s even an Apple to Apples tournament if I remember correctly.)

Don’t like gaming as much? Perhaps you want to meet and greet with celebrities or attend workshops that deal with things you are interested in? How about these celebrities to hold you over!

Felicia Day, of The Guild and Doctor Horrible Fame. She’s hilarious and an amazing singer. Wil Wheaton, who plays the “Evil Wil Wheaton” on Big Bang Theory and a supporter of geeks everywhere.

 As for workshops, Gen Con has just about everything you can ask for. From workshops on making actual chainmail, art sessions where you can learn to improve your fantasy art, to writing workshops which touch upon the important skills and fun thrills of being a writer, Gen Con tries to offer something for every member of the family.

Would you like to know more? Click here for the Gen Con event catalog! 

In Ze Indy Indeed!

…I’ve got nothing on that title. I needed one, so I went with the first thing in my mind which was a stereotypical Frenchman. Sue me!

(Please don’t, I’m poor.)

 So many of you reading this have probably never been to Indy before. For those that have you might not realize all that our city has to offer. Let me tell you about Indianapolis.

Indianapolis has done it’s best to be as family friendly and fun as possible. With the largest zoo in the state you can stop by and see our White Rhinos and as of this summer the Cheetah exhibit! (Did you know they may technically be canines? Weird.)

Downtown is almost home to the Indiana State History Museum and the Eiteljorg Art Museum. Showcasing Indiana history and some of the best Native American art in my opinion, they’re great places to take the family and take in some culture. On the Circle you’ll find the Indiana War Memorial, cateloging Indiana’s involvement in every US conflict.

 Located just around the corner from the convention center is Circle Center Mall! Circle Center not only has great places for shopping but has a large food court, many restaurants for those looking for a bite to eat. The Circle Center Theater on the top floor of the mall usually has specials and shows geeky movies during the con. Last year I caught the midnight showing of Serenity while at the con.  How can you say no?

My favorite places to eat downtown during the con are as follows:

The Ram is a popular bar downtown that caters to the Gen Con crowd. They run a special menu during the convention which includes their incredibly tasty Ram Chips as well as their equally fantastic hamburgers. They are also a microbrewery and showcase new beers at the event. I remember when Privateer Press hosted the bar during the convention. I miss me some Khadoran Ale!

The Palomino. You want to take your princess out for a nice meal? Maybe your knight’s been especially patient during the con. The Palomino is a nice place to go and eat downtown. It’s menu is a mix of Italian and Continental but the food is great if you don’t mind the wait!

The Claddach Pub is my personal favorite while downtown. An Irish pub, I’ve lost many a braincell and flat out abused my liver while there. It does tend to get crowded but some of the best friends who I have no idea who they were at the time were found there. The beer is great and the Jameson Steak is 2d4. (2d4? Two die four? Get it? It’s a gaming article!) 

Asian Ciao.  Asian Ciao is Asian Ciao.  It has bourbon chicken.  Look, bitch all you want but if you’re in a hurry and need to stuff your face Asian Ciao has cheap bourbon chicken.

There are also plenty of CVS style stores and liquor stores downtown to cater to your needs. Make sure to check with your hotel concierge or search Google Maps for the closest one to you!

Now to end on a serious note but something really important…

 It’s Safety Centaur Time!

Hi folks! I’m the Safety Centaur! I’m here to give you helpful tips on how not to hurt yourself and enjoy your time at Gen Con!

What? You don’t want to be lectured to like you’re a kid and I’m not a licensed mascot? Touche, but with the fact that some people end up hurt every year while downtown  and the fact I’ve seen people been taken advantage of means I’m going to do it anyways. 

I’ll start with the touchy issue first: Indianapolis like many large cities has a homeless problem. At almost every street corner you can find war veterans, single mothers, and homeless men asking for money. In years past I have warned people away from providing money to them because of safety issues. I’ve also had a change of heart on the subject and have given money to them anyways. It’s a serious issue for which I have no real answer.

But what’s important to realize is that the people asking you for money aren’t some Random Encounter put in to make the adventure more interesting. They’re real people, which means like real people there’s a ton of things to  consider. Some of them really do need the money and without the help of telepathy it’s hard to tell who really needs the money to feed their kids and who is looking for their next fix.

If you are uncomfortable with the panhandlers I recommend walking with friends and ignore them. If they step in your path do your best to walk around them and if they get aggressive do not be afraid to seek assistance. If you wish to help them, remember that they can use more than just money and some really appreciate cool drinks on a hot day or food. If you do give them money, be careful about flashing any large amounts of money around on the street as that can attract the wrong attention.

(For the record despite working for United Way I want to reiterate I am not a trained social worker, so please treat that last paragraph as advice.)

DRINKING! Lots of people are going to do it. Hell, ther are going to be parties every night while at Gen Con. Depending on where you go you might find flavorful theme drink specials at some bars or if you are really lucky you might get into the White Wolf party where there is an Open Bar.

Now we’re adults here. I’m not telling you not to drink. But drink safely when you do. Seriously.

Cabs can be found on every street near the bars downtown, and while cabs can be expensive here is something you should consider: Indianapolis is struggling in this economy. While I respect our local police department I do know that they are in a pinch and are being extra vigilant in monitoring cars on the road. Most of the time this involves writing up tickets to people but they will crackdown on drunk drivers. Drunk driving is also a pet peeve of mine. 

If you plan on drinking, either walk from your room to the bar or drink locally. Arrange for a ride to pick you up or see if a friend can give you crash space. Call a cab if you’re drunk. Anything is better than the alternative and I know people who get pulled over by the police or crash their car and regret it.

Health! I know people who burn out pretty quickly at the con. They tend to not sleep or don’t drink enough water and they end up crashing hard with no energy after two days. You’re going to be around thousands of other people who will be carrying germs from their hometowns to the convention. In other words…take care of yourself dummy!

Drink water regularly and try to get some rest. While it might seem lame taking a break while at Gen Con you should listen to your body. Make sure you pack snacks if you’re going to events that take place during times you regularly eat, and bath regularly.  Like, seriously? Bath regularly. I hate smelling like ass at the con so I shower every morning and change clothes a lot.

I hope I was helpful to you in some way! Remember, Gen Con can be one of the best events of the year. I know I’m going to have fun so I really hope you all have as much fun as me!

SHAMELESS PLUGS

“Buy My Book!  Buy My Book!  Buy My Book!” - Jay Sherman from the Critic

….seriously, buy my book (that I worked on)

Maschine Zeit is going to be on sale at the con!  It’s a Science Fiction/Horror RPG set in abandoned space stations. It will be at the Indie Press Revolution booth! We will have flash drives, copies of the book, and other swag. While there I also recommend games like 3:16 or SHOCK! Try something different, gamers!

WoD: Mirrors will be at the White Wolf booth. I’ve heard so many great things about this book that I am crazy mad that I can’t find it locally. Chuck Wendig pretty much convinced me if I don’t buy this book my head will explode and ever since then I’ve had migraines. Would it satiate you Chuck if I say the magic phrase, “My beard is so fat I wanna do laser?”

Want to buy some great art? Check out Chris Dunn’s art booth in the Artist Gallery! He’s amazing and has done great pieces featuring famous movie monsters as well as character portraits. Make sure to stop by and see what he’s got!

Have something at Gen Con and want to share it with the world? Leave a comment and I’ll make sure to post it here! I’m a giving sort of person.

See you in Indy! 

(I apologize about the format of this entry, for some reason Wordpress is not letting me change the color of the font or it’s layout without breaking the entry.)

First, take in the above photo. Lets check the CRITERIA OF COOL SHIT to see where it falls on there:

• Werewolves fighting Vampires? Check! (Bonus for not being Twilight)
• Pyramids in the background with a full moon? Check!
• Half serpent vampire coming up to a werewolf with Egyptian paraphernalia? Check!

In short, this picture is indeed, in layman’s terms, Cool Shit.This picture comes from Werewolf: the Apocalypse, an “RPG of Savage Horror” from White Wolf Publishing. It’s was published in the 90s after the release of Vampire: the Masquerade and featured tribes of Werewolves fighting the demonic hosts of the Wyrm and the Weaver in a never ending battle doomed to end in fire. In other words, you get to be a werewolf that wields three foot blades of fury.

Also, some Werewolves use big ass silver swords in addition to their claws. But Why am I bringing up Werewolf: the Apocalypse? Why would I bring up the game people love to hate or tend to love too much? Cause I really God damn miss it. W:tA was one of the first RPGs I ever played.

My best friend picked up the book at the local comic shop and he was the first to become obsessed with it. We were sitting around the gaming table one night when he tried to introduce us to something new. I believe the pitch went something like this…

Him: Hey, you guys want to play Werewolf: the Apocalypse?Us: I dunno, that sounds dumb. What sort of werewolf can I play?Him: Dude, you can play as a WEREWOLF.Us:…..can I play a werecat instead? Or a wereshark?Him: I don’t have the books for those, but you can play as a Wendigo or a stealthy kungfu warrior.Us: SOLD!He ran our first game but I soon took over and ran a game for three years. I ran a game for almost the entirety of high school, and had three separate chronicles. It was one of the first games I ever ran and it gave me some of the best memories. I still miss those guys as well.

Was it a perfect setting? Not really. I think what drew me most to it was that it reminded me of a lot of movies I watched when I was a teenager. It was a game that reflected the 90s in a sense; you could play werewolves with long pony tails or dreadlocks who wielded overly long swords that cut muscular demon princes in half. It’s setting reflected some of the weird existentialism that the 90s seemed to offer.  You traversed the Umbra, a great shadowy realm where echos of fallen cities sat alongside pocket dimensions full of winged bird creatures. It was almost a superhero game when you think about it. At the drop of a hat you could turn into a giant muscular killing machine that fought guys who belched hellfire and were covered in scales.

The game also had an interesting metaplot. The game’s story revolved around the werewolves (or Garou) being the chosen warriors of Gaia. You fought against the forces of the Wyrm and tried to preserve the natural balance while asserting dominance. Each book added something new to the metaplot, such as when Sam Haight and Blacktooth first appeared as big menacing foes that threatened to turn the world on it’s heel to their eventual defeat. BTW, kudos to the WW staff for working with the players and leaving Blacktooth’s downfall something that could be worked into a campaign.

Back then I thought all of this was cool and I admit, part of me still does. What part of giant sword wielding werewolf doesn’t sound cool? But certain other aspects are dated, and no longer appeal to me. The complicated storyline was full of plot holes unless you could afford each and every book and at times it took turns that didn’t appeal to me. Villains were introduced that just seemed to be world enders and yet they were hard to work into the average campaign. Finally, the “We must all work together for Gaia” storyline locked players in. While intertribal conflicts could still occur it still became a game of “Gaia is the world, you must fight monsters until you die, and believing anything different is just impossible.”

Still, I’m nostalgic for the way things were. I even admit I liked the game. I reread the old Tribebooks and smile when I remember some random tidbit I forgot about the setting. I still have my favorite Tribes and wonder which was cooler, a Shadowlord Philodox or a Ratkin Twitcher.

For all it’s faults the game was entertaining and I remember when my players cheered and high fived each other when they defeated Alzagor and drove his spirit from Earth, when they actually showed fear when the Scottish Get of Fenris King Sweet Tooth declared war on them, or their intrigue into the mystery of the Spirit Shards of Charon. Good memories, good memories indeed.  

In Other News…

Chuck Wendig has a good point about movie theaters.   Movie theaters sound like the place where you can go spend an evening watching a movie on an enormous screen in comfort and with great food to eat. The reality is as different as night and day.

I live on the Eastside of Indy, where going to see a movie in a crowded theater is literally more a pain in the ass. Besides the seats which frequently give you a pain in the ass because they’re cut up or worn down, it’s really hard to enjoy a movie when the audience is talking amongst itself. I live five minutes from the Washington Square Theater but my main issue with seeing a new movie there is the noise. Seriously, the fucking noise.

You know the signs that say to turn off your cell phones, to talk amongst yourselves in a soft voice, and to be considerate of others? They do not apply there. When I went to see the Wolfman, an old woman kept talking loudly to people who called her on her cell phone. A mother brought her three young children who started screaming in fear during the trailers before the movie. While we sat off on our own in the theater a trio of men sat behind us reeking of cigarettes and between spilling their sodas down the aisle on our feet, talking over the movie so that they could hear each other, and laughing inappropriately during the film.

“But that’s just one movie,” you might say. “You should not judge a theater by one bad experience!” Unfortunately, I”ve had too many movies where I’ve had to deal with crap. Push, Avatar, one of the Star Trek showings, etc.

Do I go to some other side of town? Will that let me escape the noisy theater goers here on the Eastside? No! Unfortunately, I’ve had the same experience everywhere else. Watching Push while I had a head cold at the theater downtown was a treat when the rowdy group of teens in the back started a food fight. Driving all the way to the theater in Castleton was nice when all the reasonable movie times for when I wanted to see Avatar were sold out. And I won’t even go into detail about the time I tried to see a movie and the woman at the concessions stand decided to get on her soapbox and complain about my “Free Comic Book Day” t-shirt (a noble cause worth arguing against if there ever was one. Or not.)

I like going to Landmark out in Keystone but the problem is the price, the drive, and the fact that few people want to go with me. It’s a small but really nice independent theater that has the luxury of having a bar inside the theater so you can enjoy a drink when you watch a film. It lacks the convenience of other theaters however and I’m not convinced I won’t run into a bad time there at some point in the future.

Will I still see movies at theaters? Yeah. I love seeing them so much. I like going with friends to see the latest release even if the audience gets loud. I’ve had some really good experiences as well, especially if I can go really early on a weekday to see a film or if I wait until the movie is at the end of its run. I just hate how for something that should be considered a luxury usually turns out to be a pain in the ass. It’s a $9 ticket to mediocrity, with $15 of stale or poor food added on top. 

This Just In…

Gen Con is upon us. In two weeks I will be attending the Geekiest Place on Earth, here in my hometown of Indianapolis. Gen Con is one of the largest gaming conventions in the US and for 5 days I’ll be hanging out with fellow geeks, playing the latest in RPGs and video games, and relaxing with my friends. Is anyone else going? What are you looking forward to this year? 

Hello loyal readers, it’s me, your mighty ruler. I hope you are all well or at least well enough to continue serving the Crown.

I’ve got a problem.

My laptop died. It was my faithful friend for 4 years but hardware errors did it in. It cracked along the hinges and  with time the cracks caused the hinges to break off and the screen to fail. I can’t take it in to be fixed as no one wants to do hardware repairs on plastic frames and the place where I bought it was Circuit City. In short, it’s royally fucked.

I do have some money in my savings, though my savings has diminished a bit with having to renew my registration, pay for repairs on our house after the lightning strike,  replace things fried in the lightning strike, etc etc etc Shenanigans Veritas Fidelis.

Now I need to replace my laptop as I need a portable computer. My first thought was a netbook but the screen is too small. People have noticed the incredibly thick laser goggles I wear on my face that are otherwise called MY GLASSES. I need a decent sized screen so I can increase the size of print. I can read 12 point alright, but sometimes I really need 14 point when it’s late at night and I’m tired. I don’t want a desktop replacement sized screen however because that’s just really freaking big.

So a basic laptop is what I’m looking at. I want something with good memory and a large hard drive, but I don’t need something that’s a top of the line gaming laptop. I need a laptop for work so it needs to be able to have Word, a pdf reader, a web browser, and possibly a chat client open at the same time without slowing down. This is especially true for the pdf reader as I’m sick of having to wait for pages to load as I read pdfs. I do have a bunch that I read for fun but all too often I’m doing research or helping proofread something and need to be able to read it with some ease.

Has anyone heard of Asus before? I have never heard of it, but they seem to have the best prices for what I’m looking at. Asus appears to be a Taiwanese company that’s known for rugged computers but I’m not sure I want to pay for a company I’m not familiar with. I’ve also heard rumors that the fans inside the laptops tend to fail and this can melt the graphics card, but I read this in a comment on the internet. Does anyone have any credible evidence on this? I don’t want to diss the brand based on someone’s bad experience.

Right now, this laptop seems to be what I want. It’s either this one or it’s $700 Sony one that’s available at Best Buy as well.

A friend recommended www.ibuypower.com but they seem to be geared mainly towards gaming laptops. I don’t need something that strong or that expensive.

Finally, I really need something for the long term. I can’t afford replacing my core technology that often and I like to use things until they absolutely die (like my last laptop!) I would like it to be reliable and something that I can repair easily. I’m not one to take my laptop in to the store when the first little malfunction occurs as I’m a little skilled at debugging and fixing issues. It would be nice though if I had the option to take the laptop in for repairs.

Enough about that, lets talk about the most important issue on the Internet last week. The issue wasn’t whether one country can own a date (suck it Canada, we do!) or if the growing strife between Republicans and Democrats will disenfranchise yet another generation of Americans and only deepen civil strife within our nation. No, I’m afraid the biggest disaster facing the Internet last week was whether one woman deserved to wear pants.

 Wonder Woman is getting some new clothes and a new storyline with them. For her 600th issue, DC is launching Wonder Woman in a new storyline that I will even admit is pretty bold. Spoilers below, though I guess you’ll need to read them anyways to understand my argument.

Wonder Woman is going through a radical change. The Greek Gods are withdrawing their support of Themoscyra, their home island. By withdrawing their support this allows some unknown opponent to alter their timeline and erase them from history, scattering a few lone survivors across the planet and changing their identities. Wonder Woman will have to struggle to find her place in a world that doesn’t remember her for what she was and she must tackle the mystery of who did this to her people.

Is it the bold storyline that’s causing people to get upset? I admit, it’s not my cup of tea but it might be cool. I think it sounds like an alternate history for the character that’s better suited for Elseworlds but I’m not really a Wonder Woman fan. I’ll give the new story a shot. But people aren’t just upset by the storyline. They’re angry over the fact she has PANTS.

Wonder Woman has had the same iconic costume since her inception, with only a few notable changes to it. The biggest change to her costume was in the 70s when she was depowered and made into a super spy, but her powers and costume were later returned to her. In her signature one piece leotard, she is Linda Carter’s most well known role.

I get how it’s a signature look to her. Superman has the blue costume with the red underpants on the outside. Batman has the cape and cowl. The Tick is dressed as a big blue whatchamacallit. So naturally when people think of Wonder Woman’s new clothes they get upset because something is different.

I’ve read comics for a long time so I remember when everyone changed costumes. Batman was replaced with a crime fighting psycopath in power armor, Superman’s powers were changed and he had a blue suit to contain his new electric form, and Green Lantern had a suit of metal armor with huge shoulder pads.  Wonder Woman is just going through a natural evolution of the character and as you can tell, I like it.

It just seems more natural to me. I didn’t mind the character’s old outfit, but the new one makes more sense on so many levels. Not only does it cover more of her body, but she seems more modern. She’s still the same Amazon warrior of myth but now her clothes better reflect her time. People who claim she is somehow losing her sexuality by covering up more are just wrong or weird.

My only real complaint is the jacket. I remember the late 80s and 90s where Captain America, the Black Knight, Animal Man, and others had jackets. They could sit around and look cool in their spiffy new jackets which they never bothered store shit in the 20 pockets they had. As you can tell those jackets never lasted, and I’m not sure the jacket with shoulder pads will last on her. 

And that’s it for me rambling.  G’night all!

Good morning, folks. Today is the 4th of July, which in the United States is the day we celebrate our independence from England. For many Americans, we get together with our families and enjoy good old fashioned American junk food while watching things blow up in the sky. (Like Star Wars!) But what does our independence really mean? Do people really know the story of America’s founding or do they just assume some movie will tell them? (Like Star Wars!) I’ll give you today the true history of the United States of America.

 The United States of America started off on the continent of Old Columbia, named after their discoverer the great sage Christopher Columbus. In the 15th and 16th centuries colonists from across the world settled there, even coming from far off lands like Holland, England, France, and New Neptune to settle her shores. The Colonies were formed, each formed after an astrological sign that best reflected their disposition. When John Smith pointed out how unfair it was for his colony to be called Cancer (as he sensed it would some day become something tragic), they changed their names to the 14 Colonies we know today.

1. Furste! (A colony reknowned for showing up early but never contributing to the conversation afterwards)
   
2. Virginia
3. Virgnia 2
4. Kingdom of North Carolina
   
5. Soviet Republik of Carolina
6. Boston
7.  Bawstin’ (Boston’s louder, more fun neighbor.)
   
8. Rhodes Island
   

And a few others who I think everyone is familiar with.
As the Colonies prospered, King George looked from his ancient draconic throne and grew angry that he was not receiving proper tribute. After having just emerged from a brutal civil war between those demanding democracy in England and the Deatheaters, King George wished to expand his influence amongst the colonies and receive more proper tribute so that he might evolve from Colossal to Ancient. But how could he expand his power to a land so far removed from his own?
But King George had something up his sleeve, or rather it was on top of his head. A long kept secret of the Line of Old Saxon Kings was the truth behind their unholy power. Ancient Druids gathered together the mightiest magics and dragons England had to offer during the Battle of Hastings and constructed the most enduring relic in England today: the Magna Carta. Often misrepresented as some dusty document, the Magna Carta is actually the crown that gives one of royal blood access to the vast undead armies of England. 

Sho’ nuff.

With the Magna Carta to bolster their ranks, the British were able to keep a stranglehold on America’s resources and keep us occupied. The Redcoats, named so for their often bloody and worn garments the undead soldiers wore, were brutal enforces and incapable of rational thought. They massacred brave colonists for opposing modest taxes on common goods and often cheated at cards.

Not one to be kept down the American people met in secret to discuss ways to gain our independence. George Washington and other members of the Heliopic Order of Beech Teeth met in Masonic temples to commune with their clerics to see what could be done. The Hierophant told young Washington that he saw him leading a vast army against the Redcoats but that the cost would be dear. Imbued with righteous power after having recently multiclassed into Divine Avenger, Washington formed his group from the best and brightest bold adventurers New England had to offer. He chose,

Thomas Jefferson, Bard and renowned poet. With his faerie dragon familiar Mitzi they were adept at confounding the King’s Troll Man.

Benjamin Franklin, Inventor, Politician, Philosopher, and dashing Rogue. He was adept at charming women as he was at picking up new skill points. Washington considered his wise counsel quite a feat which bolstered his abilities in combat. (Combat tactics.)

Samuel Adams, Dwarf Brewer and Viking Warrior. Descended from the proud people of Adamnadin, Samuel would enter combat while singing proud sagas of his people and swinging his double headed axe. He often butted heads with Franklin who he considered “A Yankee dandy like an elf.”

 Betsy Ross, renowned seamstress and source of emotional support for Washington. While no one had heard of someone who weaved magic before (3rd party supplement), they welcomed her counsel and she was instrumental in making the Ward Shields that would later become the US flag.

As Washington led his band of adventurers on many battles across the United States, the British won the battles of Bunker Hill with their impressive Zerg Rush technique. This technique was inspired by Lord Admiral Hemington Zerg, a battle hardened commander who equipped his Undead Overlords with extended eyestalks to increase their range. Anxious to end the surveillance of his home base and eliminate their advantage, the commander of the Terran forces gave his famous quote “Don’t shoot until you see the Wights or their Eyes.”

The war would go back and forth between General George Washington (who had just maxed out his Leadership skill tree) and General Cornwallis, a man often played by actors who play villains. I’m not trying to judge but if you think about it, he was played by the same guy who was General Fromme in Valkyrie. Washington and Cornwallis would fight back and forth for several years, as they commanded dozens of individual movements and their soldiers had to march across difficult terrain which knocked 2 inches off their march ability. (This isn’t counting Impassible terrain and the slow Dwarf units.) Cornwallis showed the cheesiness of the Gunline special ability while Washington refused to play into Cornwallis hand and used a variant of the Infiltration rule and skirmishers to piss him off.

Cornwallis himself said this after one lengthy battle where after two days of constant shelling he emerged the victor:

“In truth the Rebels fight like rabble, and their militia is in shambles. My men scatter them easily on the field while we fight to maintain order in the colonies. I would like to give one credit of honor to my opponent however, as he is a proper gentleman and maintains himself with the proper conduct of an officer. That being said if he could stop with the atrocious American practice of “teabagging”, this might truly be a just and proper affair rather than some messy fragfest.”

Cornwallis, for all his credit, overreached himself after the beginning of his campaign. After cashing in his cards (Cards being an efficient way to communicate with Britain that you needed more troops, cavalry, and cannons), he went on a massive streak of victories across the American territories. Despite the advantage of the defenders his incredible luck prevailed and he surged across the Colonies. Unfortunately he overextended himself and when France (White player) and Spain (Yellow player) lent Washington their own cards, Washington was able to lead a counterattack against the vastly overextended Cornwallis. Military historians point to the fact that while uniting America under one rule seems like an efficient means the fact it is linked to Central America, Norway, and Asia means it’s a real bitch to hold in multiplayer.

Washington emerged the victor at Yorktown and crushed Cornwallis. Despite calling upon his fell allies the Hessian Prince, Vlad the Impaler and Solomon Grundy, Washington was revealed to be one of the Lost Sons of Erin and burned with holy light. Cut off from the source of his powers Cornwallis fell to his knees and offered the same vorpal blade that he had used to kill Washington’s father to his opponent, begging him to save his honor and take his life. Washington was merciful to his opponent however, as it was against the Path he had set out upon since Character Generation and was not eager to give up on Humanity yet. Cornwallis was sent home with his tail between his legs while Washington stayed and helped establish a new nation.

And that is the story of the 4th of July. Always remember the sacrifices that our forefathers made and celebrate the pain and suffering they went to by having a second helping of hot dogs or nachos tonight. High five someone who was in the armed forces because their history of sacrifice, bravery, and skilled camping and sniping skills are what have led us through the most grueling death matches.

GOD BLESS THE USA!!!