Good morning, folks. Today is the 4th of July, which in the United States is the day we celebrate our independence from England. For many Americans, we get together with our families and enjoy good old fashioned American junk food while watching things blow up in the sky. (Like Star Wars!) But what does our independence really mean? Do people really know the story of America’s founding or do they just assume some movie will tell them? (Like Star Wars!) I’ll give you today the true history of the United States of America.
The United States of America started off on the continent of Old Columbia, named after their discoverer the great sage Christopher Columbus. In the 15th and 16th centuries colonists from across the world settled there, even coming from far off lands like Holland, England, France, and New Neptune to settle her shores. The Colonies were formed, each formed after an astrological sign that best reflected their disposition. When John Smith pointed out how unfair it was for his colony to be called Cancer (as he sensed it would some day become something tragic), they changed their names to the 14 Colonies we know today.
- Furste! (A colony reknowned for showing up early but never contributing to the conversation afterwards)
- Virginia
- Virgnia 2
- Kingdom of North Carolina
- Soviet Republik of Carolina
- Boston
- Bawstin’ (Boston’s louder, more fun neighbor.)
- Rhodes Island
And a few others who I think everyone is familiar with.
As the Colonies prospered, King George looked from his ancient draconic throne and grew angry that he was not receiving proper tribute. After having just emerged from a brutal civil war between those demanding democracy in England and the Deatheaters, King George wished to expand his influence amongst the colonies and receive more proper tribute so that he might evolve from Colossal to Ancient. But how could he expand his power to a land so far removed from his own?
But King George had something up his sleeve, or rather it was on top of his head. A long kept secret of the Line of Old Saxon Kings was the truth behind their unholy power. Ancient Druids gathered together the mightiest magics and dragons England had to offer during the Battle of Hastings and constructed the most enduring relic in England today: the Magna Carta. Often misrepresented as some dusty document, the Magna Carta is actually the crown that gives one of royal blood access to the vast undead armies of England.
Sho’ nuff.
With the Magna Carta to bolster their ranks, the British were able to keep a stranglehold on America’s resources and keep us occupied. The Redcoats, named so for their often bloody and worn garments the undead soldiers wore, were brutal enforces and incapable of rational thought. They massacred brave colonists for opposing modest taxes on common goods and often cheated at cards.
Not one to be kept down the American people met in secret to discuss ways to gain our independence. George Washington and other members of the Heliopic Order of Beech Teeth met in Masonic temples to commune with their clerics to see what could be done. The Hierophant told young Washington that he saw him leading a vast army against the Redcoats but that the cost would be dear. Imbued with righteous power after having recently multiclassed into Divine Avenger, Washington formed his group from the best and brightest bold adventurers New England had to offer. He chose,
Thomas Jefferson, Bard and renowned poet. With his faerie dragon familiar Mitzi they were adept at confounding the King’s Troll Man.
Benjamin Franklin, Inventor, Politician, Philosopher, and dashing Rogue. He was adept at charming women as he was at picking up new skill points. Washington considered his wise counsel quite a feat which bolstered his abilities in combat. (Combat tactics.)
Samuel Adams, Dwarf Brewer and Viking Warrior. Descended from the proud people of Adamnadin, Samuel would enter combat while singing proud sagas of his people and swinging his double headed axe. He often butted heads with Franklin who he considered “A Yankee dandy like an elf.”
Betsy Ross, renowned seamstress and source of emotional support for Washington. While no one had heard of someone who weaved magic before (3rd party supplement), they welcomed her counsel and she was instrumental in making the Ward Shields that would later become the US flag.
As Washington led his band of adventurers on many battles across the United States, the British won the battles of Bunker Hill with their impressive Zerg Rush technique. This technique was inspired by Lord Admiral Hemington Zerg, a battle hardened commander who equipped his Undead Overlords with extended eyestalks to increase their range. Anxious to end the surveillance of his home base and eliminate their advantage, the commander of the Terran forces gave his famous quote “Don’t shoot until you see the Wights or their Eyes.”
The war would go back and forth between General George Washington (who had just maxed out his Leadership skill tree) and General Cornwallis, a man often played by actors who play villains. I’m not trying to judge but if you think about it, he was played by the same guy who was General Fromme in Valkyrie. Washington and Cornwallis would fight back and forth for several years, as they commanded dozens of individual movements and their soldiers had to march across difficult terrain which knocked 2 inches off their march ability. (This isn’t counting Impassible terrain and the slow Dwarf units.) Cornwallis showed the cheesiness of the Gunline special ability while Washington refused to play into Cornwallis hand and used a variant of the Infiltration rule and skirmishers to piss him off.
Cornwallis himself said this after one lengthy battle where after two days of constant shelling he emerged the victor:
“In truth the Rebels fight like rabble, and their militia is in shambles. My men scatter them easily on the field while we fight to maintain order in the colonies. I would like to give one credit of honor to my opponent however, as he is a proper gentleman and maintains himself with the proper conduct of an officer. That being said if he could stop with the atrocious American practice of “teabagging”, this might truly be a just and proper affair rather than some messy fragfest.”
Cornwallis, for all his credit, overreached himself after the beginning of his campaign. After cashing in his cards (Cards being an efficient way to communicate with Britain that you needed more troops, cavalry, and cannons), he went on a massive streak of victories across the American territories. Despite the advantage of the defenders his incredible luck prevailed and he surged across the Colonies. Unfortunately he overextended himself and when France (White player) and Spain (Yellow player) lent Washington their own cards, Washington was able to lead a counterattack against the vastly overextended Cornwallis. Military historians point to the fact that while uniting America under one rule seems like an efficient means the fact it is linked to Central America, Norway, and Asia means it’s a real bitch to hold in multiplayer.
Washington emerged the victor at Yorktown and crushed Cornwallis. Despite calling upon his fell allies the Hessian Prince, Vlad the Impaler and Solomon Grundy, Washington was revealed to be one of the Lost Sons of Erin and burned with holy light. Cut off from the source of his powers Cornwallis fell to his knees and offered the same vorpal blade that he had used to kill Washington’s father to his opponent, begging him to save his honor and take his life. Washington was merciful to his opponent however, as it was against the Path he had set out upon since Character Generation and was not eager to give up on Humanity yet. Cornwallis was sent home with his tail between his legs while Washington stayed and helped establish a new nation.
And that is the story of the 4th of July. Always remember the sacrifices that our forefathers made and celebrate the pain and suffering they went to by having a second helping of hot dogs or nachos tonight. High five someone who was in the armed forces because their history of sacrifice, bravery, and skilled camping and sniping skills are what have led us through the most grueling death matches.
GOD BLESS THE USA!!!