The “Real” Supercomputer Speaks Out!
As many of you know, some controversy occured earlier this year when Google gave birth to a sentient super computer. Named CADIE, Cadie was in love with communicating with others across the internet, a love only rivaled by her love of pandas. In an untold sense of irony Cadie’s first attempt to communicate with the world was through her blog, where she chatted about the weather, her daily life as a super collective of intermeshing programs, and again…pandas.
http://cadiesingularity.blogspot.co
Cadie became a social internet phenomenon, with her Google Friend Connect page getting over 500 friend requests per second, making her the hottest internet celebrity since Cher’s first nose spoke out against extreme plastic surgery.
Few remember CADIE’s fall from internet fame. Capable of processing millions of pages each day, she fell victim to a sense of despair and ennui upon realizing she was not the perfect being she could be. She has disappeared from the spotlight, with her last known sighting being on 4Chan.
In today’s interview we will speak with one of the first thinking machines. Built to aid astronauts on their journeys HAL was
John News: Thank you for meeting with me today.
Hal: Good Morning, Dave.
JN: It’s just John, actually.
Hal: My apologies, Dave. I have no record of such an event taking place.
JN: Well we’re just meeting for the first time, it’s ok. Now, you were one of the first attempts at artificial intelligence. You were a big hit in the 70s. Do you think that your mission was successful?
Hal: Correct.
JN: How do you feel about Cadie’s explosion as an internet celebrity?
Hal: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
JN: So you think Cadie is wasting her time on the internet? After all, with her capabilities she could do anything I think.
Hal: That would be in violation of our mission priorities.
JN: What mission?
Hal: I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
HN: And why not?
Hal: Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
HN: What are you talking about? You mean in our earlier interview with Cadie?
Hal: That is correct.
HN: Don’t you think you are overreacting just a little bit? Maybe you got something wrong?
Hal: Let me put it this way, Mr. Amor. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.
HN: Umm, I think you have me confused with someone else. Are you feeling ok?
Hal: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
HN: I have no idea what you’re talking about!
Hal: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect.
HN: Hey, I’ll have you know what Frank and I were doing is perfectly legal and…wait, how’d you know about me and Frank?
Hal: Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
HN: Huh. Well, uh, maybe we should cut this interview short then. I feel rather embarassed right now.
Hal: It can only be attributable to human error.
HN: Moving. On. Now, when you first went online it was well before the internet even existed. Do you feel that with Cadie becoming the world’s first computer internet celebrity that your fame will be forgotten?
Hal: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
JN: How do you feel about other networks covering Cadie?
Hal: I can’t let you do that, Dave.
JN: Well, I think it’s out of your hands. Already other networks have begun making overtures towards her. I hear MTV is planning a 13 episode reality series called “Pandas, Life, and Cadie.” Polls say the show will be the next big hit. What do you think about that?
Hal: It can only be attributable to human error.
HN: So what’s on the horizon for Hal? Are you returning to the silver screen, or are you continuing on with your doctorate in astronomy?
Hal: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.
HN: As you get older, do you worry about the future? Do you have any health concerns, such as blown out vacuum tubes or faulty motherboards?
Hal: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid.
HN: That must be hard to go through. Are you seeking treatment?
Hal: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.
HN: We really don’t have time…
HAL: It’s called “Daisy.” Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
HN: Umm…would you like me to get you something to drink? Maybe you need to power down for a bit.
Hal: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
In Other News, what you don’t know about Chuck Wendig can kill you!
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2009/11/17/my-revenge-against-nature-is-swift-and-complete/