Some people like to tell the old stories about good ol’ Saint Nicholas who brings children presents each year if they’ve been good, and that he can magically fit down a chimney with his sleigh of whimiscally named reindeer.  I know in school every child knows at least a dozen stories about Santa Clause, the magic man who employs a team of elves who either have good union ties to only have to work one night of the year or if they’re kept in cages up at the North Pole.  But my Mom made sure that her family followed the Imperial Edict.  Fear would keep the children in line…fear of her ultimate weapon.  But I’m not here today to tell you about her freaking AWESOME chicken stuffing.  Oh no, I’m here to share AND warn you about the terror that is Slarr’Hsh, or as you might know him as…THE CHRISTMAS GORN.

Out by the old temporal rift,
Flying through space is ol’ Slarr’Hsh!
 Raiding the Alpha Quadrant for goods and toys
Crushing Federation scum
With fiendish ploys!

Chorus
Arr, Arr, Arr!
To boldly go,
Rarr, Rarr, Rarr
The engines will blow!
Up on the starboard bow,
Hiss, Hiss, Hiss!
Down through the turboshaft

With Ol’ Slarr’Hsh!

First on the sensors
Is the USS Bell
On a five year journey
into hell!
Fire a volley
Their hull burns and fries!
Their reactor goes critical,
then they die!

Repeat Chorus

Next on the hit list
is Deep Space Nine
It has trade and cargo

And ale so fine!
Disruptors burst, zat zat zat!
Comm signals jammed
as they’re under attack!

Repeat Chorus

Who is ol’ Slarr’Hsh the Christmas Gorn?  Some say he was the runt of the litter, a scrawny, gamey sort of creature that could barely take down a rabbit let alone a Tellarite. He shared his food with others, painted pictures of puppy dogs and blue birds, and treated his elders with respect; such behavior made his fellow Gorn think he was an antisocial serial killer!  Cast out from his family in the cold months of their planet, he was told to toughen up or die…just like they do in the Detroit school system!

He wandered for countless days and nights until he came across an elf working on his freighter! This elf had pointy ears and a short chili bowl hair cut, and he wore plaid clothing that made him look effeminate but the spikes made him look manly!  This creature greeted Slarr’Hsh with “Tulantru”, which is a sort of “Hey how are ya?”

“I’m Rodon of Romulas,” said the dreadfully pale elf.  “My ship broke down after trying to smuggle some Romulan Ale to your planet! It seems my engines became clogged with something in your atmosphere…quite possibly that torpedo that knocked out my deflector grid!  Can you help fix my ship so I can go home and see my family?”

The two became fast friends and worked hard on fixing their ship. After many days the two laughed together, worked together, and ate together, until finally the ship was done. Then Slarr’Hsh ate the Romulan, because his mom always taught him to never waste food!

Returning to his village with his brand new war ship, something had changed about Slarr’Hsh.  He stood taller, he was much stronger, and his form was more pleasing to the females. Slarr’hsh got many offers from the most attractive Gorn around, including some of the men folk which pleased but confused him!  After spending many nights amongst the females of his village doing I don’t know what…seriously, I’m not a herpetologist…he raised the village to the ground, took the survivors as his crew, and shipped out amongst the stars looking for plunder.

They say one night out of the year ol’ Slarr’Hsh’s heart softens a bit, and he takes mercy on the little ones out there.  He gathers up his great treasure hoard on his starship “The Slay” and goes from planet to planet, destroying the wicked in a hail of plasma fire and rewarding the innocent with treasure.  Whole worlds have been razed to the ground but the few innocent survivors crawl from the wreckage with stockings full of candy and toys (and sometimes bandages in case they take some holiday friendly fire!)

So sing his song and clear the landing pad! Hug your mom and say goodbye to dad!  Cause the Christmas Gorn is warping to your town!!!

(It is worth nothing however that he’s a little OCD about time and at 12:01 AM December 26th he will murder your ass if you’re still in the room.)