http://ken_ashford.typepad.com/blog/2009/12/house-gop-strikes-a-blow-in-the-fictional-war.html

Dear readers,

It has come to my attention that a bill has surfaced in the House of Representatives to protect Christmas.  Apparently, there are enough lawmakers who feel that Christmas is under attack and needs to be protected lest it be vanquished forever.  Under this new bill, Christmas and all symbols associated with it are protected and no one will be allowed to discriminate against it or cover up its name by using generic greetings.

There is no war on Christmas.  There is no hellish crusade by the Dark Ones to destroy Christmas forever.  Al-Qaida is not planning a dirty Happy Holiday bomb that will remove all references to Christ’s birthday forever.

I’m not saying this to mock your belief of Christmas being “under attack.”  It’s just in so many ways when people say that we have to protect Christmas, they’re missing the point entirely.  I’d like to talk to you today about why I feel people are getting worked up about nothing.  And remember dear reader…

I’m Catholic and my birthday comes two days after Christmas.

The Sin of Happy Holiday

So lets start with 1 because starting with 3 only works in a descending fashion and starting with 2 is just right out.  This is the big complaint that I hear about from people these days and often see lampooned in TV shows like American Dad.  People seem to be upset by the fact that more and more often the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ is used instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’

Now, I say Merry Christmas to people all the time and usually I hear back from them is Merry Christmas.  Sometimes they respond with Happy Holidays, and you know why that does not bother me?  Because Happy Holidays means Merry Christmas as well as Happy Kwanzaa, Blessed Eid (if Ramadan syncs up in December), and Happy Life Day if you’re a Wookiee.*In fact most of the time when I think of what Happy Holidays means, I start off with “Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc.”

By saying Happy Holidays you are acknowledging that Christmas exists.  You are just also acknowledging other holidays exist as well.  I’m pretty sure that Jesus is a cool enough guy that he doesn’t mind if people say Happy Holidays.

It’s A Big Fucking Tree

Jim Gaffigan has a bit where he describes Christmas as a holiday thought up by a drunk.  People go out and chop down a tree and drag it indoors and hang ornaments from it, and they take lights and string them up on the outside of their house.  This is kind of true if you think about it; why would you cut down a tree, use it for a month, then set it out for the curb?**

I remember when I went to Purdue University and the president made the announcement that they were changing the name of the Christmas tree in the Union to the “Union Tree”, so that it better reflected the diversity of the campus and respected other people’s beliefs.  This small change of title led to a clusterfuck of complaints and protests because people felt that it disrespected their belief in Christmas.

Now, I do think it’s silly to change the name of the tree.  I mean, it’s a big freaking Christmas tree!  As I sat in classes I heard people refer to it as the Christmas tree, the Christmas tree in the Union, and the Christmas Union tree.  Changing its name did not in fact change what it was; it had candy canes, lights, and Christmas ornaments hanging off of it.  If anything all they did was give the tree an actual name, and a boring name at that.***

Changing the name of something does not change it’s meaning if the intent of the new phrase is the same as the last.  In the same way as saying Happy Holidays is the same as Merry Christmas, changing the name of Christmas trees or only singing the Santa-oriented Christmas Carols changes nothing in the end.

Big Birthday Bash for Christ!

I think Jesus was awesome.

 He did so much for us, knowing what would happen to him in the end.  He was forgiving, he taught others, and he gave us the ability to repent our sins so that we may know the joy of Heaven.  In this way, he gave us a never ending gift that we enjoy every day.

So he’s probably cool if you forget that December 25th is his birthday, too.

Now I can’t speak for Christ.  Maybe he gets bummed that some people forget he was born then. But I think he is up in Heaven right now talking with new arrivals and getting ready for the next Halo tournament****, and he’s got so many people that do celebrate his birthday.

I’d be remiss in pointing out that we don’t actually know, historically, when Christ was born.  December 25th was an appointed holiday where the Catholic Church arbitrarily decided it would be.  I don’t think it actually matters which day it was since the intent is the same.  I’ve known friends to celebrate their birthday a week before or after the actual day because it was more convenient for them.

4.  Santa Baby, Come On Down The Chimney And FIGHT!

So if Christmas is under attack, is Santa the herald of secular destruction?

Seriously, if I was to point fingers at the biggest threat to Christ’s birthday, it’s Santa.  He’s the biggest socialist I know!   Santa brings you gifts if you are good and little kids pray that their Reindeer riding hero brings them a Red Ryder BB Gun so they can shoot their own eyes out.*****

That just screams secular socialism.  He is rewarding people for being good, not if they earned it.  He is stealing attention away from God because of bribing kids, and people spend money on their families and loved ones instead of strangers.

Whenever I try to argue this to others they just glare at me and accuse me of hating Santa and Jesus in the same stroke.  To some, the two hang out once a month to play poker and watch movies.  But as a Catholic I often take flak because people accuse me of idolatry for my beliefs, with the Saints and Mary being their biggest complaint.  Wouldn’t Santa be considered an idol?

Instead of blaming Santa, people blame atheists and liberals for Christmas being in decline.  Atheists, who don’t believe in religion, are trying to ban all references to Christmas because it is a big component of organized religion, they don’t want their own children harmed by references to Christianity, and/or atheists eat their own feces and worship the elder god Sciencelosto, who rewards his followers with knowledge if they hate all that is good and righteous.

 I’m just kidding, I love you atheists.  In my view of Heaven, I’ll be seeing you guys up there by the Chocolate Fountain on the island of Free Arcade Games.  It’ll be a hoot!

CONCUSSIVE CONCLUSION!

I’m just kidding, this won’t be as fun as a concussion.

I hate how people take offense where none is meant.  In the United States, Christianity is the biggest of all organized religions.  It is split up into multiple faiths but they all work towards the same goals.  Conservative Christians have a tremendous amount of power and freedom to practice their beleifs h owever they want.  

Christmas is a holiday that is celebrated by all sorts of people.  The idea of Christmas is so powerful that it brings people together and teaches love and respect for others.  Families drive long distances to be with loved ones, and there is nothing like sitting around the Christmas tree opening gifts for others.  I have known Muslims to get gifts for friends in the spirit of the holiday, and I can name more people than I have fingers on my hands that are atheist and celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday, complete with gifts for their families.

Now if Congress were to pass a bill that outlawed Christmas, I’d be pissed off.  I’d be angry.  I’d join in with the marches and cry out with the crowds, I’d sign the petitions and stand up and stand proud!  I’d talk to my congressman, I’d rally the troopers, I’d shingle the gorganplatz and dingle the floopers******!  But changing how you talk about the holiday or showing respect to other ways of worship is not forsaking the very idea of Christmas.  Christmas is a holiday that our grandparents celebrated and our great grand kids will still celebrate.

So in closing, Christmas is fine.  Christmas is safe.  Christmas is never going away. Thinking that it isn’t is just being paranoid and in my opinion is the same way as feeling that aliens are out to get your underpants when you aren’t looking.  There’s no real merit towards either one, and spending your time worrying that either will happen is a waste of time.

Now gnomes, they’re the fuckers out to steal your shit.

 *If you are a Wookiee and celebrate Life Day, I hate you for ruining the Star Wars Christmas Special.  Go decorate your craptacular holiday on Kashykk! 

**I love trees, but since I’m allergic to them they don’t love me back. :/

***I would have given the tree a more epic name, like the Imperial Tree of Conquest, or Pine Maximus.

****It’s a biblical fact: Halo is so much cooler in Heaven, but Christ’s divine reflexes makes him unbeatable.  That, and most people have trouble shooting at the messiah!

*****Funny fact: when I was in Boy Scouts and I took my patrol of kids to the BB range at camp, one of them had a misfire with his gun and had it bounce off a log and smack me in the forehead.  It came so close to my left eye that it wasn’t even funny……Ok, it’s a little funny!

******If you didn’t catch this Dr. Seuss reference, I can’t even help you.