So Chuck Wendig has an amazing contest going right now.  Each day Chuck checks the analytics for his website and finds out what search phrases people have used to find his site.  Most recently, someone used the weirdest phrase in the world.

“My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser”

Since uncovering the phrase Chuck is determined to make it the next great Internet meme.  Apart from posting it on Fark and hoping it takes off form there he came up with a brilliant idea!  He’s asking people to write flash fiction or come up with something creative centered around that phrase!  It can be an Internet Meme, a poem, or a batshit crazy story.  More details right here!

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/13/my-beard-come-so-fat-i-wanna-do-laser-the-goddamn-contest-and-the-effing-t-shirt/

So what did I do?  Well…I’m a little drunk.  I started drinking some cider while watching Deadliest Warrior (shut up, I like it!) and hit upon the idea of a Saturday morning Kid’s TV show adapted from Japan.  So I present the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors in this week’s adventure, Rage of the Digital Raven! Enjoy!

BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD!  LASER!  BEARD, LASER! BEARD, LASER! BEARD (Beard) LASER (Laser) BEARD BEARD LASER LASER, BEARD BEARD LASER LASER,

BEARD.

LASER.

GO!!!

Am hellsten Tag!

in der dunkelsten Nacht!

kein Übel entgeht meinem Anblick!

lassen Sie die, die evil’ anbeten’s konnte!

passen Sie meine Energie auf!

Beard Laser s-Licht!

Last Time on Beard Laser Go!

Our incredible team of teenage ne’er do wells was hot on the pursuit of the evil Monochrome and his mutated avian monstrosity the Digital Raven! But with only 10 minutes of Energastic Power remaining in their Battle Rigs, can the Lumberjack Lightning Warriors defeat the vile Monochrome before he drains all the color in the world?

Lt. Boone chewed on the toothpick in his mouth like it was the cool thing to do as his Battle Rig navigated the dark tunnels of the Peruvian Underworld. Over 30 feet long his Lion Rig leapt from wall to wall as wicked cool lights blazed from it’s eye sockets. Thumbing up his cowboy hat he stared at the blinking lights on his console with disgust.

“Nothing! We’ve been down here almost an hour and we haven’t found diggity squat!”

Crawling around the corner was the dainty form of Tasha’s Chihuahua Rig. While small and covered with sparkling gemstones it could reflect laser fire and it’s twin linked chain guns could tear a man in half. Her cockpit was full of pictures and stuffed animals that did little to interfere with how Rig handled.

“Gee guys,” said Tasha as she stared at an oversized digital clock nervously. “I’m worried about us running out of power down here. We’ve only got a little bit of Energastic Power left in our Rigs!”

“What’s wrong little girl, scared?” echoed a voice in the darkness. Scuttling in the shadows was the terrifying form of the Buku-Battle Rig. A combination of a velociraptor, a fox, and a giant octopus the Buku-Battle Rig was as terrifying as its driver. Martin brushed back his bangs as he lit up a clove cigarette then closed his eyes with pleasure.

“Afraid something in the dark will get you?”

The massive Wolfgang Rig bounded down the hull, it’s sleek hull covered in numerous gun ports. As it bounded into the air and hung for 30 seconds, it’s pint sized driver cheered loudly through the tunnel.

“I’m not!” shouted Jimmy enthusiastically.  Jimmy laughed as his Rig landed on the ground and sent dust everywhere. Bounding again he was dancing in circles around the Lion Rig must to Boone’s irritation.

“I wanna do Laser!” said Jimmy.

“No, we’re not”, replied Lt. Boone as he gripped the controls tightly. “Stay in attack formation.”

“I wanna do laser!” shouted Jimmy, his hand inching closer and closer to the big red button on his dashboard. “That new beard we’ve got is so phat, I wanna do laser!”

“Holy Mars,” uttered Tasha as she struggled to bring her Rig under control. “We’re barely holding on here and you want to do laser mode? Are you crazy?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Good, now get into formation and we’ll fight our way to the surface while we still have pow-”

A massive explosion sent the Lion Rig crashing to the ground. All the other Rigs reflexively posed. A loud flapping noise could be heard throughout the tunnel as a sinister yet familiar high pitched laughter echoed around them.

“Pity you’re showing common sense when it’s just too late!”

Rising from a pit in the ground roared a monstrous beast. It’s jet black armored scales and furiously blazing red eyes caused the Lightning Lumberjacks to back up with fear. With a massive shrill shriek, the Digital Raven rocketed down the hall scattering everyone about. It arched up to the ceiling of the tunnel which seemed impossibly high and from a tiny saddle on its neck the villainous Monochrome in his white and black checkered suit grinned down at our heroes.

“I’d like to thank you for saving me the time it would take to dig your own graves!” The Digital Raven shrieked again and began pounding the ground with massive sonic blasts, causing the tunnel to shake violently.

“Team?” Boone bled a little bit from his mouth. This often happens when you chew on toothpicks carelessly in life or death situations. Word to your mothers, kids.

“Ready!” they shouted in unison.

“Go Laser.”

The four Rigs began to fold and compress into strange shapes that seemed in opposite to their original designs. The Buku-Battle Rig folded in half and and the tentacles slithered around to form a belt as it became the pants. The Chihuaha lengthened and split on both sides, the tiny head of the canine becoming five fingered hands. The Wolfgang seemed to roll into a sphere twice, first as a smaller ball but then as a much bigger one!  The other parts connected to it as the wolf face flattened to become the chest piece.

Finally, the Lion Rig shrank just a bit and looked like a massive man’s head with a thick, burly beard. It was the type of beard you grow when you have shit to do and the skills to do it. Like a mechanic Moore, when the Rigs joined together the whole form glowed with energy. A long wood cutting axe slipped out of nowhere into it’s hand and blazed with fire, lighting up the hallway.

Massive tendrils formed on the face and their ends widened into massive gun ports. Each terrifying curl became it’s own rail cannon, and smoke whisped out of it’s ears. From behind the Great Lumber-Rig glowed the sun, causing Monochrome and the Digital Raven to reel with terror at it’s majesty.

As one the entire team put their hands on a massive button that sprung out of nowhere in their cockpit. Each one grinned at each other as they pushed down in unison, their battle cry causing Monochrome to pee a little in fear.

“BEARD LASER GO!”

In Other News…

I HATE VUVUZELAS!

I have nothing against national pride.  Hell, I’m from the United States where everyone proudly says they are of one ethnicity or the other when the appropriate holiday comes up. But the vuvuzela is as enrapturing as a bee sting and as pleasant to listen to as Rush Limbaugh’s sex talk with Michael Moore!

http://thedailywh.at/post/703105640/animated-gif-of-the-day-dammit-gimli-reddit